Week 5 Roundup. (And fuck Norv Turner).
Yeah, that’s what the fuck I’m talking about. An absolutely horrible week of boring ass games was capped off with the mighty Bears slapping the Packers around Lambeau. (What, a 7-point win when you force 5 turnovers and the other team commits 12 penalites isn’t a slap? Fuck you.)
The only thing that could of made this weekend any better was if the Cubs got shut down by Livan Hernandez. Oh, that happened? Oops.
Anyway, here’s a roundup of the
stellar rather crappy Week 5 NFL games.
Tennessee 20, Atlanta 13–This would have been a great matchup of running QBs if the dog murderer hadn’t gotten caught. Damn the man. Anyway, the Titans turned the ball over 5 times and that still wasn’t enough for the Falcons to pull out the road win. With the score tied at 13 late in the third quarter, Titan
Pacman Jones Vincent Fuller intercepted a Joey Harrington pass and ran 76 yards for a touchdown. Tennessee would have been my suicide pool pick had that fucking asswipe Norv Turner not shit the bed in week 4. Seriously, I’m thinking of renaming this blog ‘Fuck Norv Turner.’ Dot com. Or org. I don’t know.
Jacksonville 17, Kansas City 7–So week one, Tennessee runs for almost 300 runs on Jacksonville. Now, in week 5, with Larry Johnson, the Chiefs run for 10 yards. 10 fucking yards? How bad is the Chief offensive line. Folks, if you play fantasy football, and you have LJ: trade him for whatever you can get now. Or wait until he has a somewhat decent game. Because that team just sucks. I cannot believe they beat the Chargers last week. THATS how bad of a coach Norv Turner is. Seriously, fuck Norv Turner.
Arizona 34, St. Louis 31–A lot of talk around the blogosphere about the Cardinals being the team to beat in the NFC West. Folks, the Rams offense is absolutely atrocious and it scored 31 on these guys. Brian Leonard went over 100 yards. That dude didn’t even start for Rutgers at halfback last year. Rutgers. The Cardinals will be lucky to win 8 games. But that might be good enough to make the playoffs.
New England 34, Cleveland 17–I know this is going to sound stupid, but after this game I have more respect for the Browns than I did going in. I’m not saying they are going to challenge Pittsburgh in the AFC North, but they almost covered the spread. That’s more than we can say for the other Patriot opponents this year. There must be something wrong with Tom Brady because he had 16 incompletions. What a suckbag. (He also had 3 touchdowns and almost 300 yards passing).
Carolina 16, New Orleans 13–The Saints are really, really bad. Marques Colston is having a really bad sophomore campaign. Reggie Bush is a solid weapon, but without someone to spell him while running between the tackles, he’s just not going to be as effective. Also, Drew Brees is really pressing. He had another 2 picks, including one to ex-Bear Chris Harris. Although they won the game, the Panthers had a rough day as Jake Delhomme is feared out for the season. So, basically, the Bucs won the NFC South because David Carr is just gross.
NY Giants 35, NY Jets 24–This might be one of the most entertaining games of the day, as the Giants came back from a ten-point third quarter deficit to blow out the Jets. Plaxico Burress is an absolute monster, with the talent to really dominate if he would stay interested throughout the season. The Giants also may have found something in the backfield, as the one-two punch of Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward looked great. But what really came across in this game was that Chad Pennington is no longer an NFL quarterback. He’s a solid backup, thats all. Chad had five interceptions in the last two weeks, and each was an absolutely horrible throw. Pennington has bad arm strength, so he has to make concise, smart passes. If he’s not doing so, he’s a weak armed Rex Grossman.
Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 0–The Seahawks avenged their Super Bowl XL loss by thrashing the Steeler defense to the tune of 144 total yards and just over 19 minutes of possession in the shutout loss. Willie Parker and the basket shitter combined for 160 yards rushing and Ben Roethlisberger had a very smart, efficient day (18-for-22, 1 touchdown, 0 interceptions).
Washington 34, Detroit 3–Seriously, this Lions team beat the Bears? They scored 34 in the 4th quarter last week? Christ, the Bears suck. Anyway, Mark Sellers put on a damn highlight show by catching a touchdown pass and absolutely obliterating Lions safety Kenoy Kennedy on another reception. Jason Campbell is rounding into a solid quarterback, and with his improved play and a strong defense, the Redskins definitely look like the Cowboys’ only real competition in the division.
Houston 22, Miami 19–Dude, Kris Brown is a fucking beast. He went 5-for-5, including a game-winning 57 yarder to win the game. Tell me who should be player of the week other than Kris? I mean, ECUM’s favorite basket shitter only had 2 touchdowns. I am naming Kris Brown ECUM’s favorite kicker, from this day forward. This motherfucker scored 16 points by himself! Yeah, Kris! Get some!
Indianapolis 33, Tampa Bay 14–This is how good the AFC is. The Colts didn’t have their starting running back or wide receiver. They were playing the best team in the NFC South. And they won by 19. Christ. I think the New England-Indianapolis game in a few weeks might be the best sporting event in the history of the world. Anything less than a 48-45 OT game will be a letdown. Anyway, the dude thats always in those commercials had 253 yards passing and 2 touchdowns, and Kenton Keith came in for my fantasy starter Joseph Addai and put up 158 total yards and 2 scores. Kenton Keith: 27 fantasy points.
San Diego 41, Denver 3–The Broncos are dead, folks. Think about it: Denver has been good or great almost every year since John Elway was playing. Since the mid-80s, I can’t think of a really bad Broncos team. This might be it. Sure, the Chargers were playing for their season. But 41-3 at Invesco? Wow. Norv did manage to hold LT scoreless again, and guys who had the number one pick in their fantasy drafts will continue to convert to voodoo just to stick pins in a miniature Norv in order to get LT some fucking red zone touches.
Baltimore 9, San Francisco 7–No one wants to read about this game. What a shitfest.
Chicago 27, Green Bay 20–Hey, I’ll take it. But I haven’t seen a team just give away a game like the Packers did yesterday. They had five turnovers. 12 penalties. The Packers playcalling was absolutely horrible. The Bears scored to make it 20-17, and on the ensuing possession the Packers run three times in the middle of the line and punt. Also, why didn’t the Packers just run that little slant about 44 times? The Bears couldn’t stop it unless Tillman stripped the ball. And that two-minute drill was really bad. Me thinks Mike McCarthy sucks as a coach. And the Bears still only won by a score. But again, it doesn’t count less than a 45 point win, so fuck it. Lets take on the Vikes next week, get back to .500, and cruise into the Philly game.