week 9 roundup
What a week. Lets get right to it.
Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16–When people think back about week 9 of the 2007 NFL season, they’ll think of one man–Warrick Dunn. The Falcons proved just how shitty the Niners are by winning AND covering the spread against everyone’s favorite preseason sleeper. Alex Smith continued on the Tim Couch career path with 139 yards passing and 3 interceptions.
Buffalo 33, Cincinnati 21–Marshawn Lynch is solid, and it don’t get no better than solid. Lynch ran for over 150 yards and a score, and added a touchdown pass to lead the Bills to the win. The Bengals continued to show absolutely no heart on defense, but it will be funny now to see them win thier next four games without Chad Johnson, leading to his eventual off-season trade.
Detroit 44, Denver 7–Count me in the camp of all the people who thought the Lions were a paper champ; they definitely are one of the NFC’s top 5 teams. The only problem with that distinction is that it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t still suck, in the greater scheme of things. At 6-2, Detroit now faces a ridiculous remaining schedule, but only needs to win about half of their remaining 8 to make the playoffs. For the second straight week, the Broncos failed to consistently get the right number of people on the field on defense as Mike Shanahan continues his push for Bill Cowher’s seat on CBS’ NFL Today in 2008.
Tennessee 20, Carolina 7–I could write the same shit every week about the Titans: bad offense, ugly but effective running game, stellar defense, boring win. That being said, I think David Carr is the worst starting quarterback in the NFL. Somewhere in Houston, the Texans’ offensive lineman for the past three years are screaming “SEE, IT WASN’T US! THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG WHO SITS THERE, HOLDING THE BALL TOO LONG!” Carr, who was sacked 7 times yesterday, agrees. ‘I am a douchebag,’ he said in a conference call.
Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22–OK, I admit it: what Favre is doing this year is pretty fucking awesome. He is more accurate this year than he was in the previous three or four, and his receivers are maturing. This, combined with a solid defense, has almost assured the Packers of a playoff spot. I must give some props to Troy Aikman and Joe Buck (begrudgingly), as they didn’t feel the need to stroke Favre throughout the game. When he made a good pass, they called it as such. When he made a mistake, they called it as such. It was refreshing not to hear that Favre’s end of first half interception was the fault of the offensive line who allowed the Chief’s defensive lineman to raise his hand into the passing lane.
Minnesota 35, San Diego 17–Lets see, not much happened in this game. Tavaris Jackson got hurt…..thats huge. LT scored a touchdown; man, he’s a beast. Lets see. What else……
……HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Seriously…..296 yards? 3 touchdowns? 250 yards in the second half?!?! Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus, and we must all go to church before the games next Sunday and bow in the general direction of Palestine, Texas, the birthplace of Purple Jesus. How would you like to be the Chargers’ Antonio Cromarite? He makes an absolutely beautiful play, a 109 yard missed field goal return, a record that will never be broken…..and you’re a damn afterthought. Meanwhile, Norv continues to find a way to do the least possible with one of the five most talented teams in the league.
New Orleans 41, Jacksonville 24–The Saints are back, ready to be exciting and throw a bunch of passes en route to a NFC South division title and a first round playoff loss to the Giants, Lions, or Redskins. I admire the fact that Drew Brees goes from playing absolutely horribly to 445 yards, but does anyone honestly think the Saints are going any further than the first, maybe second round. They have no defense at all. Meanwhile, Jack Del Rio should just quit. Christ, man…..you build your team around running the ball and defense, and against the worst defensive team in the NFC you run for 88 total yards and give up 41 points?
Washington 23, NY Jets 20–Anyone in a pinch for fantasy football running back help should just pick up any free agents who play the Jets for the rest of the year. Man, they suck. Has any coach gone from star of the future to retard in one year like Eric Mangini? 1-8? Christ. On the bright side for the Jets, Kellen Clemens looked decent against a strong defense with absolutely no help from the Jet running game. Imagine where the Jets would be if they had sat Pennington before, you know, the season was done.
Tampa Bay 17, Arizona 10–I’d rather watch a snuff film than write about this piece of shit. Apparently the Bucs had the ball for like 45 minutes and managed 17 points against the fucking Cardinals’ defense. Way to go Gruden. You sure are an offensive mastermind.
Cleveland 33, Seattle 30–ECUM is adopting the Cleveland Browns for the remainder of 2007. HHY’s Bears are 3-5 and have about a 2 percent chance of making the playoffs. EOS’s Rams are 0-8 and…….well……might win a game. So I’m adopting the Browns. They’re exciting, they have a cool and ugly color scheme, they play in front of rabid fans, and although they probably won’t make the playoffs because they are in the AFC, at least they’ll be playing meaningful games down the stretch. Plus, I have Braylon Edwards on my most important fantasy team, and he’s a killer. Meanwhile, Mike Holmgren continues to challenge Mike Shanahan for title of ‘Most Retarded Coach to Have Participated in Super Bowl 32.’
Houston 24, Oakland 17–The Texans ran for 178 yards. The Raiders have one of the worst run defenses in football, if not the worst. Gertrude, take a letter!
Dear Cedric Benson,
If you do not absolutely murder the Raiders next week to the tune of a minimum of 100 yards and a touchdown, I want you to jump in a vat of acid.
New England 24, Indianapolis 20–Apparently I underestimated the Colts defense. The front four was able to get a lot of pressure on Brady, and held every receiver but Moss down for most of the game. But when it came down to it, the Patriots made plays when they had to. Thats all I’m going to write, because if you didn’t watch at least part of this game, the chances you’re one of the few people who read this blog is slim.
Dallas 35, Philadelphia 17–The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, the Eagles are done. Tony Romo had a great game, Donovan McNabb did not. Simple as that. Marion Barber continued to run as if when he gets tackled, a gang of herpes-infested zombies will rape his mother. Seriously, he’s like that kid who was bigger than the rest of us that we grew up with who took the pickup game way too seriously. Someone started talking smack to him, then suddenly he’s getting angry and just killing people every time he took the ball. Then kids started going home. Thats what the Eagles defense was yesterday–the kids that go home after getting killed by the big dude.