Archive for November 2007

HHY’s Week 11 picks

November 14, 2007

I’m putting these up a day early since I’ll be away from a computer for most of the remainder of the week. However, Friday’s hot chick will be put up tomorrow.

After two straight sub-.500 weeks, I’m looking to make mad moves this week. Nothing less than 10 covers.

Season: 69-65-10

Arizona (+3) over Cincinnati
Green Bay (-9.5) over Carolina
Cleveland (-2.5) over Baltimore
Indianapolis (-14.5) over Kansas City
Philadelphia (-10) over Miami
New Orleans (pk) over Houston
Oakland (+5.5) over Minnesota
San Diego (+3) over Jacksonville
Tampa Bay (-3) over Atlanta
Detroit (+3) over NY Giants
Pittsburgh (-9.5) over NY Jets
Washington (+11.5) over Dallas
St. Louis (-2.5) over San Francisco
Seattle (-6) over Chicago
New England (-15.5) over Buffalo
Tennessee (+2.5) over Denver


week 10 recap

November 12, 2007

I am somewhat bitter about this week’s games. Mostly because of fantasy football. I’m in five leagues this year, which is about three too many, even for a fantasy geek like me.

In my most important league, I lost to one of the worst teams because Shane Graham kicked seven fucking field goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–Marvin Lewis has Graham on his fantasy team, and its starting to piss me off.

In my second most important league, I am fighting for a playoff spot and was virtually tied with the best team in the league going into Sunday night. I had Manning and Addai, he had the SD defense. Easy win, right? No, of course not. Of course the douchbag would throw six picks and Darren Sproles would return two kicks for touchdowns in the first fucking ten minutes.

Here are the games:

Green Bay 34, Minnesota 0–I think its time to start seriously considering Brett Favre for NFL MVP. Tom Brady and Randy Moss are getting all the publicity, but look at what Favre is doing with almost no help from the running game: 67.2 completion percentage, 2757 pass yards, 16 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, passer rating of just over 96. Keep in mind this team is one fluke loss to the Bears away from being undefeated. I think I would vote for Favre as MVP at this point. Meanwhile, Purple Jesus hurt his knee. If its serious, expect fire and brimstone to rain down on Wisconsin.

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13–Can we just combine these two teams and call them the Jacksonsee Jagans? They both have shitty quarterbacks, no receivers, a plodding/boring running game, and decent defenses. Both will probably make the playoffs or at least contend until Week 17, and both will do nothing once they make the postseason. Watching the Titans gives me a headache. They’re fucking boring as shit. I’d rather watch the Madden simulation of this game than the actual game.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11–Seriously, does anyone give a shit about the AFC West? Do you realize that if the Raiders had held on yesterday and if Viniateri had hit the field goal at the end of the Chargers-Colts game, Oakland would have been one game out of first? I know thats a combination of ‘ifs’ that didn’t happen, but lord–Oakland’s best offensive player is Justin Fargas. Anyway, the Broncos tie the Chiefs for second place in the division despite getting waxed seven days ago by the fucking Lions. Hooray.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10–The NFL is one pathetic shitbox, I tell ya. This game was 10-2 before Marshawn Lynch scored and then added a two-point conversion to tie it up. A field goal by…..whoever the Bills kicker is won it. Lynch is quietly putting up an outstanding rookie season and is a nearly a lock for AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year. If not for Purple Jesus, Lynch would be getting more publciity. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have a real shot at 0-16. Take a gander at their remaining schedule: at Philadelphia, at Pittsburgh, NY Jets, at Buffalo, Baltimore, at New England, Cincinnati. They should be the underdog in every one of those games, and really only have a decent shot of beating the Jets, Ravens, and maybe Bengals.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29–Look out for the Lou! Somewhere, Nelly weeps in relief while Everyones On Steroids pats him on the back. I’m going to make a bold prediction–by Christmas, the Rams will have at least 5 wins. Shit, they way teams in the NFC West play, they could end up 8-8 and win the fucking division.

Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 28–The Steelers escaped in the game of the day, as ECUM’s adopted team blew a two-minute drill and Phil Dawson came up just short on a 53-yarder which would have tied it. Josh Cribbs cemented himself as the second best return man in football with two sick runs. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is quietly putting up a huge season. He’s having the second best season by a quarterback in the AFC (yes, better than Manning), and was doing so with Santonio Holmes as his number one receiver until last week.

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25–Well, Joe Gibbs is officially senile. Up 22-20 with four minutes left, the Redskins had a third and goal from the Eagle seven. Gibbs decides to run a draw and settle for the field goal, even though his quarterback was having his best game of the season and a touchdown would of cemented the win. The Eagles score two touchdowns in the next two minutes and stay alive–barely–in the NFC playoff picture. Also, this just in–Brian Westbrook is going to step on you en route to eating your brains. What a beast.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13–Wow. How shitty do you have to be to lose to Atlanta at home? The Panthers are now 0-4 at home, and thats good enough to be one game out of the division lead. This league seriously blows. Also, the first time I have Steve Smith, and he suddenly blows asshole. I think it has to do with the fact the Panthers are starting Earl Morral at quarterback, but still. Oh, and there was an Alge Crumpler sighting.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7–Kids, lets look at this. I want all of our readers (yes, all four of you) to think about Brian Billick and his offensive genius here for a minute. He was hired by the Ravens to take over as head coach before the 1999 season. This was after he was offensive coordinator in Minnesota and the Vikings were the most explosive team of the previous year. (Meanwhile, no one mentioned at the time that this explosiveness was 50 percent ‘Throw a jump ball to that Moss kid’). He goes to Baltimore, and within two years, wins a Super Bowl. But he did it because he had arguably the most dominant defense of the past 30 years. Since 2002, the Ravens have continuously sucked offensively, and now have hit their low point: 14 points and 11 turnovers in a 6-day span. They almost got shutout by the Bengals. The Bengals, man. Here are the scores of the Bengals opponents this year: 20, 51, 24, 34, 27, 31, 24, 33, 7. The two low scores, 20 and 7, are both Baltimore. So now–how shitty of a coach is Brian Billick?

Chicago 17, Oakland 6–Watching this game literally got me sick. I had body aches and headaches, and I just wanted it to be over so that I could go on with my Sunday night. Sexy Rexy got back in there and made it real damn sexy, almost too sexy for his own good. Cedric Benson dominated perhaps the worst run defense in all of football to the tune of 2.7 yards per carry. All in all, this was probably the least enjoyable Bears win I’ve ever experienced. Good times.

Dallas 31, NY Giants 20–And the second annual New York Giants’ second half collapse has begun! Yippee! Can we just cancel the rest of the season and have Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC Championship and New England and Indianapolis play for the AFC Championship? Oh, here come the Pittsburgh fans: ‘What about us? We can beat those teams! Wah, wah wah!’ Shut up. I hate you.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21–Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out. In other news, Kurt Warner proved that God loves him more than Jon Kitna, and after the game he celebrated the win by watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’ while drinking the blood of a thousand Jews.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21–You know how shitty of a coach Norv Turner is? His team was at home, playing a HUGE game against a team coming off the biggest game of their season (obvious letdown). His opponent was missing a Hall of Fame receiver, Pro Bowl tight end, and starting left tackle. During the game, his opponent lost their starting right tackle and number one defensive player to injury. The opponent’s signal caller, perhaps the best of all time, threw six fucking interceptions. His team scored 23 points in the first 17 minutes and led 23-0 early. And the only reason Norv didn’t lose is because the best kicker of all time missed a chip shot by an inch. He’s the worst coach in the league, and Joe Gibbs, Brian Billick, Brad Childress, and rest of the shitty coaches fraternity owe him a debt of gratitude for taking the cake, week in and week out.

Friday’s Hot Chick

November 9, 2007

Laetitia Casta. She’s Italian.

HHY’s week 10 picks

November 7, 2007

Somewhat bad week last week, but still over .500.

And to Everyones on Steroids, who started talking smack about his Week 9 picks Monday: Pick against the spread and then talk to me, slappy.

Season: 63-58-9

Cleveland (+9.5) over Pittsburgh
Green Bay (-5.5) over Minnesota
Washington (-3) over Philadelphia
Tennessee (-1.5) over Jacksonville
Carolina (-4) over Atlanta
Kansas City (-1.5) over Denver
Buffalo (-3) over Miami
St. Louis (+11.5) over New Orleans
Baltimore (-4) over Cincinnati
Chicago (-3) over Oakland
Dallas (-1.5) over NY Giants
Detroit (+1) over Arizona
Indianapolis (-3.5) over San Diego
Seattle (-10) over San Francisco

Again, I pick a lot of favorites, but I feel good about it this week.

week 9 roundup

November 5, 2007

What a week. Lets get right to it.

Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16–When people think back about week 9 of the 2007 NFL season, they’ll think of one man–Warrick Dunn. The Falcons proved just how shitty the Niners are by winning AND covering the spread against everyone’s favorite preseason sleeper. Alex Smith continued on the Tim Couch career path with 139 yards passing and 3 interceptions.

Buffalo 33, Cincinnati 21–Marshawn Lynch is solid, and it don’t get no better than solid. Lynch ran for over 150 yards and a score, and added a touchdown pass to lead the Bills to the win. The Bengals continued to show absolutely no heart on defense, but it will be funny now to see them win thier next four games without Chad Johnson, leading to his eventual off-season trade.

Detroit 44, Denver 7–Count me in the camp of all the people who thought the Lions were a paper champ; they definitely are one of the NFC’s top 5 teams. The only problem with that distinction is that it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t still suck, in the greater scheme of things. At 6-2, Detroit now faces a ridiculous remaining schedule, but only needs to win about half of their remaining 8 to make the playoffs. For the second straight week, the Broncos failed to consistently get the right number of people on the field on defense as Mike Shanahan continues his push for Bill Cowher’s seat on CBS’ NFL Today in 2008.

Tennessee 20, Carolina 7–I could write the same shit every week about the Titans: bad offense, ugly but effective running game, stellar defense, boring win. That being said, I think David Carr is the worst starting quarterback in the NFL. Somewhere in Houston, the Texans’ offensive lineman for the past three years are screaming “SEE, IT WASN’T US! THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG WHO SITS THERE, HOLDING THE BALL TOO LONG!” Carr, who was sacked 7 times yesterday, agrees. ‘I am a douchebag,’ he said in a conference call.

Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22–OK, I admit it: what Favre is doing this year is pretty fucking awesome. He is more accurate this year than he was in the previous three or four, and his receivers are maturing. This, combined with a solid defense, has almost assured the Packers of a playoff spot. I must give some props to Troy Aikman and Joe Buck (begrudgingly), as they didn’t feel the need to stroke Favre throughout the game. When he made a good pass, they called it as such. When he made a mistake, they called it as such. It was refreshing not to hear that Favre’s end of first half interception was the fault of the offensive line who allowed the Chief’s defensive lineman to raise his hand into the passing lane.

Minnesota 35, San Diego 17–Lets see, not much happened in this game. Tavaris Jackson got hurt…..thats huge. LT scored a touchdown; man, he’s a beast. Lets see. What else……
Seriously…..296 yards? 3 touchdowns? 250 yards in the second half?!?! Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus, and we must all go to church before the games next Sunday and bow in the general direction of Palestine, Texas, the birthplace of Purple Jesus. How would you like to be the Chargers’ Antonio Cromarite? He makes an absolutely beautiful play, a 109 yard missed field goal return, a record that will never be broken…..and you’re a damn afterthought. Meanwhile, Norv continues to find a way to do the least possible with one of the five most talented teams in the league.

New Orleans 41, Jacksonville 24–The Saints are back, ready to be exciting and throw a bunch of passes en route to a NFC South division title and a first round playoff loss to the Giants, Lions, or Redskins. I admire the fact that Drew Brees goes from playing absolutely horribly to 445 yards, but does anyone honestly think the Saints are going any further than the first, maybe second round. They have no defense at all. Meanwhile, Jack Del Rio should just quit. Christ, man… build your team around running the ball and defense, and against the worst defensive team in the NFC you run for 88 total yards and give up 41 points?

Washington 23, NY Jets 20–Anyone in a pinch for fantasy football running back help should just pick up any free agents who play the Jets for the rest of the year. Man, they suck. Has any coach gone from star of the future to retard in one year like Eric Mangini? 1-8? Christ. On the bright side for the Jets, Kellen Clemens looked decent against a strong defense with absolutely no help from the Jet running game. Imagine where the Jets would be if they had sat Pennington before, you know, the season was done.

Tampa Bay 17, Arizona 10–I’d rather watch a snuff film than write about this piece of shit. Apparently the Bucs had the ball for like 45 minutes and managed 17 points against the fucking Cardinals’ defense. Way to go Gruden. You sure are an offensive mastermind.

Cleveland 33, Seattle 30–ECUM is adopting the Cleveland Browns for the remainder of 2007. HHY’s Bears are 3-5 and have about a 2 percent chance of making the playoffs. EOS’s Rams are 0-8 and…….well……might win a game. So I’m adopting the Browns. They’re exciting, they have a cool and ugly color scheme, they play in front of rabid fans, and although they probably won’t make the playoffs because they are in the AFC, at least they’ll be playing meaningful games down the stretch. Plus, I have Braylon Edwards on my most important fantasy team, and he’s a killer. Meanwhile, Mike Holmgren continues to challenge Mike Shanahan for title of ‘Most Retarded Coach to Have Participated in Super Bowl 32.’

Houston 24, Oakland 17–The Texans ran for 178 yards. The Raiders have one of the worst run defenses in football, if not the worst. Gertrude, take a letter!
Dear Cedric Benson,
If you do not absolutely murder the Raiders next week to the tune of a minimum of 100 yards and a touchdown, I want you to jump in a vat of acid.

New England 24, Indianapolis 20–Apparently I underestimated the Colts defense. The front four was able to get a lot of pressure on Brady, and held every receiver but Moss down for most of the game. But when it came down to it, the Patriots made plays when they had to. Thats all I’m going to write, because if you didn’t watch at least part of this game, the chances you’re one of the few people who read this blog is slim.

Dallas 35, Philadelphia 17–The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, the Eagles are done. Tony Romo had a great game, Donovan McNabb did not. Simple as that. Marion Barber continued to run as if when he gets tackled, a gang of herpes-infested zombies will rape his mother. Seriously, he’s like that kid who was bigger than the rest of us that we grew up with who took the pickup game way too seriously. Someone started talking smack to him, then suddenly he’s getting angry and just killing people every time he took the ball. Then kids started going home. Thats what the Eagles defense was yesterday–the kids that go home after getting killed by the big dude.

dont believe the (over)hype (talk)

November 2, 2007

It became ‘funny’ or ‘clever’ to make the ‘Did you hear the Patriots-Colts are playing’ joke about 10 days ago. Which means it stopped being funny about nine days ago.

Yes, this game has been hyped more than any game this season, by far. Its being televised in about 99 percent of homes in the country. If you enjoy NFL football, you’ll be watching this game. I’d even argue that more people will watch this game than a few playoff games later this season.

But this game deserves the hype. Its impossible to be overhyped. I started thinking about watching this game after the Patriots beat the crap out of Dallas. That was like a month ago. The NFL has been around for about 90 years. NEVER have two undefeated teams played this late in the season. These two teams have combined for four of the last six titles. New England is 8-0 and have scored 34 or more points in every game. They have won every game by a minimum of 17 points. Their quarterback has 30 touchdowns and 2 interceptions. Meanwhile, Indianapolis is the defending world champion and 7-0. They haven’t lost a game since just after Thanksgiving, 2006. In the last two weeks, the Colts have outscored Jacksonville and Carolina–two teams who would be in the playoffs if they started today–60-14. Both of those games were road games.

This has never happened before. So how can it be overhyped?

Here’s my preview:

Colts offense vs. Patriots defense: I think the Indianpolis offense gets a small advantage here, but that advantage is minimal, especially since Marvin Harrison is questionable, and if he does play–it will be his first game in almost a month. However, if there are any questions about this New England team, its on the defensive side. They’ve only given up 127 points, but solid offenses (Dallas, Cleveland) have performed relatively well against them. That might be because they really haven’t had to be at their best yet; the offense has been so dominant that the defense, while playing well, has been on cruise control. Mike Vrabel and the defense crushed Washington, but Peyton Manning is better than Jason Campbell. Slight edge–Indianapolis

Patriots offense vs. Colts defense: Let me first say that I greatly respect Dwight Freeney, Robert Mathis, Bob Sanders and the rest of the Colts defense. At this time last year, they were horrid and seen as the achilles heel of the team. An argument could be made now that they are a top-five defensive unit. They’re giving up just over 14 points per game, and since Sanders’ return late last year they have been stellar. But they haven’t seen what they are going to see Sunday. The Patriots’ offense is the best I’ve seen since the 1994 49ers or the 1999 Rams, and by the end of the year, it may be the best of all time. The offensive line has been absolutely dominant, and we all know the passing game, when given time, is literally unstoppable. How different is the New England receiving corps from last year’s AFC runner-up? Last year, the team’s leading receiver had just over 60 catches. He didn’t even make the team this year. Edge–New England

Prediction: Even though they are undefeated and at home, the only chance the Colts have is if they get some pressure on Brady. Freeney and Mathis are a huge key; if they can get to Brady a few times, or at the very least make Brady throw within a second or two of getting the snap, Indy has a chance. But I don’t see it happening.

All year, the Patriots have been running up the score, leaving Brady and the crew in the game up 40 with 8 minutes left, throwing jump balls to Moss late in a dominant win. Outside of maybe the Jets, who do the Patriots hate more than the Colts? No one. The Colts are a great team, and at home, they’ll get a boost. But that boost will disappear as soon as the Pats drive down the field to score their first touchdown. I honestly think the serious talk about New England being the best team of all time starts Sunday night.
New England 45, Indianapolis 21

friday’s hot chick

November 2, 2007

Hey guys….there’s a new gal in my office that looks exactly like a dark haired Erin Andrews. Seriously. Its really exciting.

(*–your definition of ‘exciting’ may differ from mine, because I am a married dude who hasn’t had any strange since 2003.)

Anyway, she’s not the hot chick of the day. This week’s Friday Hot Chick, in honor of the greatest sporting event ever played–this week’s Pats-Colts game, is Gisele Bundchen.

I joke about wanting Brady’s knees to explode. I actually want them to go undefeated so that the 72 Dolphins will die in anonymity. Fucking jerkoffs cheering on the sideline on 12/2/85. Lucky ass Dan Marino. Who bounces a touchdown pass off someone’s helmet? Honestly?

Enjoy the Brazilian hottie.