Archive for December 2007

fridays hot chick

December 28, 2007

I had a hard time choosing today’s hottie. I try not to choose someone too obvious or someone I have mentioned in other articles.

I’ve been watching a lot of ‘King of Queens’ reruns lately. And Leah Remini was pretty hot. Then she gained a lot of weight because she got pregnant, and she wasn’t very hot. But after she had the baby, there was a period there were her boobs were fucking huge but the rest of the weight was pretty much gone. That was sweet.

I’ve heard Leah in interviews and she’s kind of bitchy and ridiculous, much like her character on the show. She’s also big into Scientology, so she’s obviously a nutjob. But she’s your Friday hot chick, and if you don’t like it, go google someone else on your own time.

  • Where ya goin with dat hand dere?
  • That cannot be comfortable
  • She played Stacy Karosi back in the day
  • These poses are nice

This is a particularly shitty version of the Hot Chick. Sorry.

HHY picks, week 17

December 27, 2007

Since this week’s games is a complete pile of shit, I’m really glad I’ll be extending the picks section to the playoffs. 

Season: 113-116-11

New England (-14.5) over NY Giants
San Francisco (+11.5) over Cleveland
Miami (+3) over Cincinnati
Seattle (+2) over Atlanta
Green Bay (-3) over Detroit
Buffalo (+7.5) over Philadelphia
Carolina (-3) over Tampa Bay
Houston (-6.5) over Jacksonville
New Orleans (-3) over Chicago
Washington (-8) over Dallas
Kansas City (+6.5) over NY Jets
Minnesota (-3) over Denver
Pittsburgh (-3.5) over Baltimore
San Diego (-8) over Oakland
St. Louis (+6) over Arizona
Tennessee (-4) over Indianapolis

its not all bad

December 26, 2007

The 2007 Chicago Bears season, whether it finished 6-10 or 7-9, will be remembered as a colossal failure. Maybe the most colossal in the team’s history. Coming off a runner-up finish in 2006, the Bears were–at the very least–supposed to make the playoffs and have a chance to defend its 2006 conference title. Instead, by Thanksgiving, it was apparent that this team was not only not making the playoffs, but it was just plain bad.

In previous pieces I’ve written about the Bears I feel are culpable in this lost season. While the national media focuses on Rex Grossman, the smart Bears fan realizes that the Bears’ running game and offensive line were the key to this season’s offensive failures. Cedric Benson didn’t have many holes to run through, but when he did, he looked as if he was just waiting to get tackled. The offensive line went from a team strength to its biggest weakness, as many as four of the five slots may have to be replaced next year. While recently Bernard Berrian has made some big plays, lets not forget that he couldn’t catch a fucking cold in the first half of the season. And if Muhsin Muhammed is on this team next year, I’m going to set myself on fire. Defensively, Brian Urlacher suffered though a bad back and didn’t really play well until late in the year. On the flip side, Lance Briggs started out on fire but has vanished recently. Perhaps Lance is taking it easy, knowing he is just weeks away from free agency. And then there’s the secondary.

Wow. I mean, even the Redskins have to be amazed at how bad Adam Archuleta was. When the Bears signed him, I wasn’t a huge fan of the deal, but I had no idea the guy couldn’t cover or tackle anyone. And thats not a fan’s overstatement……he simply does not belong in the NFL anymore. Daneal Manning went from a talented rookie to one of the worst tacklers on the team. And finally, injuries to key personnel ruined any limited chance of the Bears making a playoff run.

But, like the title here infers, it wasn’t all bad. Here are some bright spots from the 2007 season:

  • Charles Tillman: In his fifth year, Peanut has proven to be the big, physical corner the Bears need in the cover two defense. He has 72 tackles and two interceptions, and has forced four fumbles and blocked two punts. While others get the recognition and Pro Bowl nominations, Tillman has consistently been the best player on the defense (and perhaps the special teams) all year. Hopefully, with the return of a healthy Nathan Vasher in 2008, the Bears defense will be closer to itself.
  • Tommie Harris: Harris is basically playing on one leg. Also, he’s been playing alongside 5 or 6 different defensive tackles this year, and has been constantly double-teamed. Other players might have packed it in this year, especially when it became obvious that this team sucked ass. But Harris has 7 sacks and 32 tackles, and is constantly in the opposing team’s backfield. If 100 percent in 2008, the Bears defensive line will be much improved.
  • Adewale Ogunleye: Ogunleye had not played up to his reputation prior to this season. After putting up a league high 15 sacks in 2003 for Miami and getting traded to Chicago, Ogunleye has had a grand total of 21 sacks in three seasons. However, in 2007, Ogunleye has been the team’s most consistent playmaker on either side of the ball. 56 tackles, 9 sacks, 6 forced fumbles and 4 fumbles recovered later, and Ogunleye has almost been able to make up for the other defensive end’s–Mark Anderson–horrid season.
  • Devin Hester: I’ve written a few love letters to the guy on this page before, and we all know how good he is. I’ve been able to be present for two of his touchdowns, and for another two that were called back. There hasn’t been anything in Chicago sports, since Michael retired, more exciting to see in person than Hester. I just hope the geniuses on the coaching staff and in management don’t get too cute in the offseason and decide to keep running these little reverses and bubble screens for number 23. Every time they run one of these piece of shit plays I expect some 290-pound lineman to pursue down the line and shred Hester’s knee.

So, yeah, thats about it. Brendon Ayanbadejo had another great year on special teams. I like the work of Greg Olsen and think he will be a really dangerous weapon in 2008. And unlike many others, I think Ron Turner has done an adequate job of calling plays considering he has no offensive line, quarterback, receivers, or running game. Other than that…….when does baseball start?

Fridays hot chick

December 21, 2007

ITS BRITNEY, BITCH!

Seriously. It is. But please note that none of these pictures are recent. Present day Britney is less attractive than 95 percent of the girls EOS and I banged in college, and we were pigs back then. I mean, we’re pigs now, but we’re pigs in long-term, monogomous relationships.

Anyway, I wasn’t a big Britney fan when she first blew up. I thought her eyes were too far apart, and she was too young. Then around the time of ‘I’m a Slave for You’ and ‘Toxic’, I started to come around.

So here we go. Happy Holidays to all.

week 15 roundup (and a hot chick for monday)

December 17, 2007

I’m excited to write this week’s roundup. A lot of things to get off my chest. Also, since I forgot to give everyone a Friday hot chick last week, I’ll throw a little something down towards the end of the post for all you Salma Hayek fans. (Also, fuck the Thursday and Saturday games; they were both horrible).

Tennessee 26, Kansas City 17–So, last week I decide that Vince Young sucks and the next week he throws for 191 yards, 2 touchdowns and no picks in the win. I think we can all agree that the Chiefs have packed it in and are preparing for 2008. They’ve been a distracted team all year, mostly because of the argument which is tearing the team apart: who has the hotter wife–Tony Gonzalez (October) or Brodie Croyle (Kelli)? The correct answer is number 88.

Cleveland 8, Buffalo 0–A recurring theme you will find in this week’s post is your esteemed writer bitching about his fantasy football team. I played my semifinal game this week, and although I am currently winning by 7, my opponent has the Minnesota defense tonight. So thats not good. Why am I mentioning that now? Because of the fucking blizzard in Cleveland, which caused Braylon Edwards to only get 4 catches for 64 yards all day. Fuck snow.

Tampa Bay 37, Atlanta 3–How does a franchise go 31 years without returning one kickoff for a touchdown? Not one? Well, Michael Spurlock ended the Bucs’ national nightmare by bringing one to the house. On the other side, it seems Bobby Petrino was doing a hell of a job for Atlanta before leaving this week. I’m sure if he was prowling the sidelines, the Falcons would of lost by less than 30. And if you’re a Falcon fan, kill yourself what else can you ask for?

Carolina 13, Seattle 10–This is the worst loss of the season. By any NFL team. Yes, Seattle is already in the playoffs. I understand they weren’t playing for anything other than the 3 slot in the postseason. But Carolina was playing some of the worst football in the league. They were 1-5 at home coming into this game. The Panthers started some dude named Matt Moore at quarterback. And the Seahawks lost. Also, someone please tell me why Shaun Alexander is getting any carries for the Seahawks? Here are his rush yards the last 7 games: 25, 35, 47, 32, 65, 38, 17. Sunday, he had a 20-yard run and ended up with…….17 yards. So his 6 other carries he had negative 3 yards. Christ.

Jacksonville 29, Pittsburgh 22–Right now, the Jaguars seem like the 5th-best team in the league and the most likely ‘dark horse’ in the AFC. They run the ball well, play good defense, and have a quarterback who minimizes mistakes. The prevailing thought right now is that they have the best chance of derailing the Patriots, outside of a healthy Colts squad. But here’s the thing–this win isn’t as impressive to me. The Steelers do not look very strong the last few weeks. Also, keep in mind that the Jags have always been a team who beats who they are supposed to beat, but once they play the upper-echelon teams, they get spanked. We’ll see in January.

Green Bay 33, St. Louis 14–The Packers jump to 12-2 behind the arm of Brett Favre and strong performance by their defense. Who didn’t play well for the Packers? Ryan Grant. Last week, I called him a God for blowing up in the first week of the fantasy playoffs. This week, I call him a mark-ass trick for rushing for only 55 yards and fumbling against a 3-11 team. Sure, he scored a touchdown, but I expect more from a Ryan Grant. Meanwhile, Marc Bulger set the NFL record for most pass attempts in a game by a NFL quarterback who doesn’t know his own name due to symptoms related to concussion. Way to go, Marc!

Miami 22, Baltimore 16–Well, its official: Brian Billick is the worst coach in the NFL. Seriously. Think about Billick’s career–he’s named an ‘offensive genius’ in Minnesota as offensive coordinator, even though 90 percent of their offense in the mid to late 90s was throwing a screen to Robert Smith, an out to Cris Carter, or a jump ball to Randy Moss. He gets to Baltimore, wins a title with one of the three best defenses of all time, and since then has won maybe one playoff game (I don’t want to do the research to find out exactly how many). Sure, you could say I would be dancing on the Dolphins’ grave if Matt Stover had simply hit a 40-yarder in OT. So this game can’t be Billick’s fault. And you’d be right. But fuck that, I don’t like Brian Billick so I blame this game on him. So there.

New England 20, NY Jets 10–I was really impressed by the Jets. I thought they would play the Pats ‘tough’, that is, hold them to around 40 points. But I never in a million years would have thought that the Jets defense would hold New England’s offense to 6 points (2 field goals; the first TD was scored by the Pats defense…..the second TD was created by a blocked punt which put NE on the NY 2). It still wasn’t enough, and the Patriots are 14-0. Hey Mercury Morris…….are they ‘on your block’ now, you fucking overrated asswipe? Look out yer window, you fucking felon. Thats Tom Brady fucking his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend on a pile of money in your front yard.

New Orleans 31, Arizona 24–2 heartless, heartless teams battle in a place where a bunch of people starved and died about 2 years ago. Is there a more depressing game this week? Probably not. So what better than a nice big ass to make everyone feel better? Thanks Vida.

Indianapolis 21, Oakland 14–A special thank you goes out to Joseph Addai and the Colts offensive coaching staff from my fantasy team and I. Addai has been my number one back all year. I picked him in the 5th slot. I loved him all year. He has produced. Can’t really complain about his season, outside of a few games where he failed to put up 10 points. Going into this week, he looked like perhaps the best running back in fantasy for Week 15. Playing the 30th ranked run defense, and due for a breakout game. Yes, quite a breakout. 15 carries for 44 yards. Wow. Thats just……awesome. If it weren’t for a special person I am going to mention in a few spaces, Tom Moore, Peyton Manning, and Addai would be getting the majority of my wrath this week. But they are spared. Because of…….her. (You will see).

San Diego 51, Detroit 14–Since the Lions are ‘God’s team’, and they have lost 6 in a row, one can only deduce that God has either switched teams or is dead. I don’t think an all-powerful deity can ‘die’, so I’m guessing that God is now a Patriots fan. He’s a frontrunner.

Philadelphia 10, Dallas 6–When all this Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo crap began bubbling up, I made jokes along the lines of ‘She better not ruin my fantasy team!’ or ‘He better stay focused in the fantasy playoffs!’. Hilarious, right? All I needed was a pithy ‘LOL’ at the end of those bad boys. Those are gold, Jerry! Gold!

Then Sunday happened. Why the fuck did that stupid cunt rag have to show up for this game with her creepy-ass father? Also, who the fuck wears their boyfriend’s jersey to the game? I mean, besides a 15-year old attending the JV game at the local high school. How much more of an attention hound can a person be? Jess, if you want attention, go topless in a movie. All anyone wants from you is your tits. Tony, me, your dad…..just your rack. So show them to us, and let us go on with our lives. I’ve always thought Ashlee was hotter anyway. Sure, you’re more traditionally attractive, but you just know that Ashlee would be so grateful for the attention. All it would take is one ‘I’ve always thought you were more talented than your sister’ or ‘I don’t quite get why MTV took ‘The Ashlee Simpson Show’ off the air, and she would absolutely go to town.

In other words, stay at home next time you retarded hillbilly. Or if you must go to the game, wear a nice, reserved top like 99.9 percent of grown women who fuck a player and act like an adult.

Here’s Salma Hayek:

HHY Week 15 picks

December 12, 2007

Season: 98-99-11

Denver (Pk) over Houston
Tennessee (-4) over Kansas City
Cincinnati (-8) over San Francisco
Tampa Bay (-13.5) over Atlanta
Seattle (-7.5) over Carolina
Green Bay (-10) over St. Louis
Baltimore (-3.5) over Miami
New England (-23.5) over NY Jets
Arizona (+3.5) over New Orleans
Jacksonville (+3.5) over Pittsburgh
Indianapolis (-10.5) over Oakland
San Diego (-10) over Detroit
Philadelphia (+10.5) over Dallas
NY Giants (-4.5) over Washington
Chicago (+10) over Minnesota

week 14 roundup

December 11, 2007

I’m going to keep it relatively short and sweet this week. I mean, half the games don’t matter. Plus, I’m busy at work for once and I’m not going to spend an hour writing this thing since only about 7 people read it.

Washington 24, Chicago 16–Thank God we are now going to get Neck Beard as the quarterback for the last three games. I mean, when you have a must win against a team who had one practice all week, then knock out their starting quarterback thus ensuring a guy who hasn’t played in 3 years will finish the game, and you still lose by 8……..well, my friend, you suck. Therefore, I want to see Neck Beard. And Garrett Wolfe. And Josh Beekman. All the guys on the practice squad who might have a chance to contribute in 2008. Throw them out there. I don’t care if the Bears lose by 40 the last three games; I want to see what these fools can do. If not now, when? Training camp? Not the same. The 2008 preseason? Fuck that.

Dallas 28, Detroit 27–Read what I wrote in the Week 10 roundup: “Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out.” I rest my case.

Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6–Carolina is the second-worst team in football right now. And if they played Miami straight up on a neutral site, the Panthers are no better than a 2 or 3 point favorite. They straight up suck like Gianna. (Look her up).

NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13–How does Plaxico Burress even get open at this point? Did you see him running after that one reception? He looked like his foot was caught in a bear trap. Also, I’m not in the camp that Andy Reid MUST quit after this season in order to get his ‘house in order’. That shits fucking dumb. His grown son sold drugs. There isn’t much Andy can do about that. Its not like he gave his 8-year old a gun and the kid shot someone. However, it might be best for the Eagles franchise to just cut Andy and Donovan McNabb loose and rebuild. Find out if Kevin Kolb is the man for the job. Also, poor Brian Westbrook. God, that guy is an absolute beast. Its too bad people are all hung up (rightly so) on Purple Jesus and Tomlinson, because Westbrook is easily in that class of running backs.

San Diego 23, Tennessee 17–I mean, Jeff Fisher must be suicidal this week, right? A 17-3 lead at home in the 4th quarter against Norv, and they blow it? And now they are on the outside of the playoff chase? Oh, and Vince Young is fucking horrible. Holy shit. Do you know this dude has 7 touchdowns and 16 interceptions? Sure, his set of receivers are a fucking abortion, but he’s brutal. Plus, he’s only got 350 rushing yards. He should tell all these motherfuckers that are trying to turn him into a ‘dropback passer’ to go fuck themselves and just run. If Vick could go for 700-1,000 yards rushing every year, you mean Young can’t go for at least 600?

Cincinnati 19, St. Louis 10–I bet the Bengals fans who bought tickets to this game at the beginning of the season were all ‘Aww, man…..what a great game. Two playoff-bound teams, two great offenses, going back and forth. Its gonna be like 45-42! I wouldn’t be suprised if this game gets flexed to Sunday night!’ Then by mid-Ocotober they were looking to sell the seats because they realized it was going to be the worst game of the week in sub-zero weather. I’ve been there, Cincy fans.

Buffalo 38, Miami 17–Can someone tell me why the Bills don’t wear these jerseys all the time? Their other uniforms suck, and these are fucking awesome. Look at the little red buffalo up there! Even Jauron can’t lose when they wear these unis! Meanwhile, the Dolphins are going to be lucky to win a game. Remember when EOS and I had that argument about who was worse, the Rams or the Dolphins? I’M RIGHT AGAIN.

Houston 28, Tampa Bay 14–Sage Rosenfels is unstoppable. Monte Kiffin had no answer. He was trying everything–cover two, cover three, zone blitzes…he even tried Washington’s patented 10-man defense. Nothing worked.

Green Bay 38, Oakland 7–You plan and plan for a fantasy football draft. You go with your time-tested strategy of RB-RB in the first two rounds, and a third RB somewhere in the next two or three. You’re having a good season, and your triumverate of backs are playing well. Then, around Week 9, you pick up a little-known, bottom of the bench guy from the Packers named Ryan Grant. You never start him, but by the end of the season he’s consistently blowing up. Then, before the first week of the playoffs, your number two back is hurt (Marshawn Lynch) and your number three is a bitch (Edgerrin James). You tell Grant, ‘Get in there son. Make me proud, and help me beat the Underdogs.’ And he goes for 22 points, and leads the San Diego Whale Vaginas to a victory. Great story. Compelling and rich. (Just don’t blow it this week against Sexytime).

Seattle 42, Arizona 21–Kurt Warner held to five picks. Good job, Kurt. You fucking Iowan weirdo. You and your fundamentalist wife should just go away now.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7Adrian Peterson Chester Taylor cannot be stopped! Purple Jesus Purple Joseph is here to save us from our mundane lives! Not to take anything away from AD or Chester the Molester, but I’m beginning to thing this Vikings line is, whats the word, dominant. Me and EOS could get 80 yards behind these fools. Especially EOS. He’s like the Brian Westbrook of the blog-writing world. Shifty. Like a Michael Turner or Westbrook. I’m more plodding. And slow. Like a Brian Leonard. Or Brad Muster.

Denver 41, Kansas City 7–Whatever.

Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18–Ya know, everyone is talking about how the Patriots are going to absolutely murder the Jets this week. Just run up the score all day. Like its going to be 109-0 or some shit. Lets not forget, the Jets are a professional football team. Yes, they’re 3-10, but its not like New England is playing the Delaware Blue Hens or something. I’m sure with all this talk about a potential record-setting blowout, the Jets are going to lay it on the line. This is their Super Bowl. I expect them to give their best effort, and battle the Pats to a 52-14 loss. I know, I know…..call me crazy. But I think the Jets are going to be really resilient in holding Brady to 6 touchdown passes.

New England 34, Pittsburgh 13–In this space last week, I wrote that the Patriots would smash the Steelers. Then, in my picks, I took Pittsburgh plus a measley 13. The lesson…..I’m a fucking dope.

Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20–And the Ravens have folded it up. They better beat the Fish this week, though. I really want the Miami franchise to have their undefeated record erased in the same season that their 2007 team goes winless. That would be scrumcious. (I don’t know if I spelled that right, but half you fuckers are illiterate anyway).

One final note…..that Gianna chick I mentioned in the Jacksonville-Carolina game is a porn star, so if you do look her up, those are going to be NFSW. Also, she’s not at all hot, but she does deliver the best onscreen BJ I’ve seen in my porn-watching career. I really should write a blog about porn; you know, my favorite stars, scenes, etc. That wouldn’t be creepy, right?