Archive for January 2008

Three things I like about Green Bay

January 24, 2008

Green Bay Packer Bikini Girls

Or six things. Depending on how you look at it. The story is that Maxim wants to put these three Midwest hotties in their magazine and I’m all for it. Except they did say they wouldn’t shoot naked. They are two sisters and a cousin, but that still turns all you on. Weird fucks. I say get them out of Green Bay (current temp = zero degrees) and to California or even Arizona for Superbowl festivities and I guarantee no one will care that they are in any way related.

This story kind of reminds me of the “Fuck Da Eagles” girl, but she’ll end up having way more class in the end. Girls who have “fuck” on their shirts and pose in Maxim are comparable to kindergarten teachers or librarians here in the Midwest. The three hotties above will be shooting porn with Bubba Franks (insert funny title here) in two or three years, trying to regain some of their 15 seconds of fame, and there Dad will be wearing that same brown jacket, cheering them on.

“You look great, honey! Pride yourself on your dick-taking abilities.” 

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Not Even Close

January 24, 2008

Adrian Peterson Rookie of the Year

I just voted for Diet Pepsi’s NFL Rookie of the Year 2007 and can I just say one thing: Landslide. I’m not saying that Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, Dwayne Bowe, and Joe Thomas might not deserve the same award if this were any other year, but come on. Not only did he come in second in the league for total rushing yards and compile second-most rushing yards in Vikings history in his first year, but does anyone remember the Chicago game?

224 yards. 11.2 yds/carry. 3 TD’s. That burst for 73 yds and one of the TD’s. He was, as many before me have put it, a BEAST. And that was his fifth professional game, the first week back from bye. On the road. Now I know that Chicago’s defense wasn’t even close to what it was last year. But when’s the last time someone ran for 224 yds on them? I don’t know. Thats why I’m asking you.

Fast forward three weeks to the matchup of LT and AP and what happens? NFL-record setting 296 yds and 3 TD’s. LT had 40 yds rushing and 1 TD. Once again, the Whale’s Vagina D wasn’t what it has been in previous years, but they let a rookie do that. So obviously you know who my pick is.

Don’t get me wrong. I do know that Lynch was a beast with the most carries in the league for both the season (280) and most carries per game (21.5) and also led AFC rookies with 1,115 yds. Not too shabby. And Patrick Willis nearly tackled every single person in the NFL this year. 174 total tackles with 135 solo efforts. Everyone knows that he was another BEAST in that Tampa game and almost single-handly controlled the game, but did you also know his favorite color is fuchsia?

Fag.

Dude’s a genius

January 24, 2008

In the sports blogging world, there isn’t a better writer than Big Daddy Drew. He’s filthy, smart, funny, and honest, and although the great majority of his posts on Kissing Suzy Kolber and Deadspin are about as shallow as it gets, they’re fantastically funny. (‘Fantastically funny’? Take it easy, Gene Shalit).

However, this week BDD’s weekly entry on Deadspin is really well done. Every Thursday during the NFL season, Big Daddy Drew writes the Thursday NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo (or something like that). This week he writes about the difference between sports journalists in the print media and bloggers, and why ‘respected’ writers should just shut the hell up when complaining about blogs.

If you’re a fan of blogs, or write a blog, or even just like reading….click on this link and read this week’s jambaroo. And then go back in the Deadspin archives and read as many of the past Jambaroos as you can. You will not be disappointed.

The most boring week in sports

January 24, 2008

The week after the conference championship games, otherwise known as the first week of Super Bowl hype, is arguably the worst sports week of the year. There is no football of any type this weekend for the first time since July. Baseball is still a month away from spring training. And no one gives two shits about hockey. Except for Canadians. And I’ve never gotten a comment on one of my posts from someone named Jean-Luc, so I’m not going to start discussing the advantages of the dump-and-chase strategy. No one cares.

So, since there is nothing to talk about in football or baseball, I thought I would revisit my NBA predictions from November and pick out some particularly interesting passages.

In some cases, it seems I really know my hoops. For instance:

  • Cleveland: I love LeBron. What he did in the postseason last year was very Jordanish. But I see a letdown for him and the Cavs this year. Its quite a burden to have to carry a team game in and game out, and after 100-plus games in 2006-07, I think the lack of depth will take its toll this year……..Not bad. At this point, the Cavs are struggling near .500 even with LeBron’s MVP-caliber campaign.
  • Portland: This is my big surprise. How can the worst team in the league a year ago, a team who lost number one pick Greg Oden for the season, improve this drastically? I really like Brandon Roy. I feel LaMarcus Aldridge will have an improved second season. And finally, the Blazers have decent depth and size. They could win 40-45 games and contend for the eighth playoff slot……It turns out the Blazers are even better than that to this point; they have been the hottest team in the league for over a month and currently stand one-half game out of first in their division.
  • The Atlantic division: I predicted the finish to go Boston, Toronto, New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York. That is exactly how it stands at this point.

In other cases, I’m a total moron who knows nothing about basketball:

  • New Orleans: I’ll tell you what, this might be the worst team in the league. Yes, they were close to a playoff spot in 2007, but I really don’t think the Hornets are very talented……Great call on this one. 29-12, good enough for the second-best record in the West. Yeah, and this team has no talent. That Chris Paul is really overrated. And Tyson Chandler will never put two good seasons together, back to back. Idiot.
  • Miami: The Diesel is pretty much finished, but he’s got enough in the tank to play 40 or so games and combine with a healthy D-Wade to contend for a top four spot in the conference….Wow, is this a bad pick. 2nd in the division and 4-5 for the conference? Ew. In case you’re not following the association this year, the Heat are 8-32 and losers of their last 14 games.
  • Chicago: I think the Bulls will put it together this year en route to 53-57 wins, which should be good enough to win this division. Luol Deng is ready to make the leap to one of the 10 best players in the East. If Tyrus Thomas can overcome rumors that he is in Scott Skiles’ doghouse and be a force off the bench, Chicago would be the deepest team in the division…….Oh lord. Did I really write that? I won’t go too in-depth here, because the abortion this Bulls season has become is a whole ‘nother entry in itself, but could I have been more off? This is a team that I claim to follow. I have season tickets for Christs sake! 55-57 wins huh? Try 17-24 at the halfway point.

So, there ya go. A little something to chew on. I’ll be back with a hot chick tomorrow and Super Bowl talk next week. Any suggestions for the FHC, throw them to me in the comments.

Happy Birthday!!!

January 22, 2008

Happy 43rd to perhaps the number one MILF* out there right now, Diane Lane. I fell in love with you during ‘Indian Summer’, and my love for you maximized during those scenes in ‘Unfaithful’.

(*–She’s 13 years older than me…..not exactly old)

friday hot chick, now on monday

January 21, 2008

For Graig and the rest of you bitch ass marks, here is the Friday Hot Chick: 5 of my favorite porn stars. I base my ‘favorites’ in the porn industry on tits, ass ,and enthusiasm. Not necessarily in that order.

Oh, all of these are NSFW.

Hey look….its the old favre! we missed ya, buddy!

January 21, 2008

Well, I am now 1-9 picking winners against the spread in the 2007-2008 NFL Playoffs. That’s tough to do. I am really on a roll.

Lets break down these bad mamma-jammas from Sunday.

New England 21, San Diego 12–You know, I really have to question LaDainian Tomlinson’s heart right now. If it turns out he has a torn ACL or something, I’ll back off. But all week he’s said he was 90 percent, ready to play, all that stuff. Then he gets to the biggest game of his career, gets two carries and a reception, then goes to the sidelines, wraps himself in a coat, and sits his ass on the bench for 3 hours. Maybe I shouldn’t question LT’s lack of toughness; I’m sure he would have played if able. But maybe it is right to target his leadership. I understand being devastated that you can’t play after believing you would, but why just sit on the bench all day? Why not be up and encouraging your team? I don’t think it would of made a difference in the outcome, but it just looks really bad.

Well, it wasn’t how I thought it would turn out, but the Patriots found a way to win–again. The Chargers definitely had their opportunites–3 possessions inside the New England 10 yard line produce 9 points. (LT would of looked great in the red zone, wouldn’t he?). They intercepted Brady 3 times. But it wasn’t enough. You have to hand it to Laurence Maroney–he could of very easily pouted and been a bitch about not being a big part of the offense during most of the regular season. But he has been a monster down the stretch and in the playoffs and has provided a needed boost while Randy Moss has been mostly focused on and shut out.

So, congratulations to the Patriots for going 18-0…….the first time this has ever been accomplished. I mean, at this point, 17-0 looks fucking worthless. Who cares about 17-0 now? Its a shame, because the 72 Dolphins have really been a class act the last 35 years. They really never wanted the spotlight, and never asked for recognition for beating a bunch of teams who didn’t make the playoffs. I really have missed Mercury Morris the last few weeks. I can only pray that ex-felon douchebag is in the hospital with open sores on his anus from his years of being pounded in the ass by dudes names Rock while serving his term for cocaine possession. “Call me when you’re on my block, and I’ll be there waiting on my bride.” Mercury, sounds like you’re overcompensating for being ‘the bride’ in your past. Open the door, asshat. Tom Brady’s on the other side, and he’s getting his dick sucked by Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen at the same time WHILE waiting for you. You and your team of overrated fossils are done, son! You’re done.

(I don’t like the 72 Dolphins.)

NY Giants 23, Green Bay 20–As a Bears fan, you would think I was ecstatic about the hated Packers losing. I wasn’t. While I was cautious that the hype would be unbearable, I was really looking forward to Brady-Favre in two weeks. It would of been fun.

Unfortunately, two things that have been lingering regarding Green Bay popped up yesterday and they killed the Packers. First of all, Mike McCarthy is not that good of a coach. I found it strange that this guy was considered the coach of the year by many, and probably would have won the award had the Pats not gone 16-0. Meanwhile, he totally blew the first game against the Bears with horrible time management and play calling. The second game of the year for the Packers, against San Diego, featured McCarthy calling a shotgun/5-wide receiver formation on a 4th and goal from the 1 foot line; obviously, I found that curious. But after the regular season and Seattle game were over, I figured those were isolated incidents and McCarthy was really the 2nd best coach in the league this year. But he’s not. The Packers game plan was atrocious yesterday. Ryan Grant got 13 carries. I know he didn’t run well, gaining only 29 yards. But you have to give him a chance to establish himself. He had 6 carries in the second half and overtime. McCarthy panicked and decided it was going to be all-Favre, all the time. And that led to…..

…old Favre. In my preview for the game I wrote that the only the reappearance of Old Favre would beat the Packers. Well, he showed up. And the reason that he showed up was because the Packers never established the run. The first three quarters or so, Favre looked decent. But from the point that he threw that bomb into triple coverage, I knew the Packers were cooked. Later he ran around like a nutcase, throwing across his body and getting intercepted by R.W. McQuarters, only to get the ball back because R-Dub was holding the ball like Britney holds a baby. Through the rest of the game, Brett was taking chances he shouldn’t have and throwing bad passes, including the one which eventually set up the winning score.

Again, big ups to Eli. I wrote about it last week, but I am really happy for Elisha. He will be partying it up this week at the 24th annual ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Haters’ golf and fishing trip. Regular attendees will include other thought-to-be-shitty quarterbacks who made the Super Bowl, including Grossman, Trent Dilfer, Stan Humphries, Chris Chandler, Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins, Tony Eason, Jeff Hostetler, and the trip’s founder, David Woodley.