Archive for the ‘bad at gambling’ category

Illinois-Minnesota live blog

March 15, 2008


I’m not a huge Illini basketball fan, but I decided to fill a few hours on a lazy Saturday live-blogging the Big Ten semifinal game against the Golden Gophers.

19:19–Minnesota starts the scoring by getting a turnover, going on a 3-on-1, settling for a 10-foot jumper, missing it, and then scoring on a putback. Who says Big Ten basketball is bad this year?
18:08–Billy Packer says that both teams are playing ‘very comfortably’ at this point in the season…….yes, both teams are very comfortable with the fact that they both suck and still have the chance to make the NCAA tournament.
16:25–While watching the Minnesota-Indiana game last night at a sports bar and grill, Mrs. HHY was bewildered by the fact that Minnesota’s nickname is the Golden Gophers, and their coach’s name is Tubby Smith. She didn’t believe me until about 12 minutes into the game on either count.
16:08–Alert the press: Illinois is 2-for-2 from the free throw line.
14:15–Illini lead 7-4 at the first commercial break. I decide to flip around and land on a ‘Sopranos’ rerun on A&E. Its the episode where Finn finds Vito blowing the security guard. I wonder if Vito will ever get another acting gig. Thats a tough thing to be known for, even if it is just a part.
13:26–I don’t know how familiar you are with Illinois and Minnesota basketball, but these have to be the two worst offensive teams to play each other in a Big Ten semifinal…….ever. The Gophers just ran the clock down for 30 seconds only to have the center throw a shot off the side of the backboard.
12:36–There hasn’t been a field goal in over four minutes. This was a great idea. Oh. There we go….shot made by Calvin Brock of the Illni. 9-5 Illinois.
11:41–Another commercial break. This time I flip to the White Sox-Cubs exhibition game. I stay long enough to hear my guy Hawk Harrelson say ‘choppertwohopper’. I’m ready for Spring, even if the Sox suck.
10:59–To this point, Illinois looks far better than Minnesota. The Gophers are struggling just to get a shot off. Neither of these teams have a chance tomorrow against Wisconsin.
10:05–Illinois just blew a 3-on-1 break of their own which resulted in a turnover and easy hoop for Minnesota. We’re halfway through the first half, and Minnesota is on pace for 28 points. Against the 10th best team in the Big Ten. Lord.
8:06–Things are starting to open up a bit, as Trent Meachem hits a three for the Illini to give his team a 18-12 lead. There’s hope yet.
6:23–Illinois is showing some life, up 22-14, and they’ve hit five straight field goals. But as Illinois fans know, the first halves of games haven’t been the problem this year. But that is balanced by the fact that they haven’t lost to the Gophers since 1999, according to Packer and Jim Nantz. I have pretty much forgotten all of the years between 1995 and 2000. I was in college; I’m sure you understand.
4:30–Neither of these teams have anyone who can get their own shot or has enough balls to take a contested jumper. Therefore, if one of these teams makes 60 points I’ll be shocked.
3:27–Demetrius McCamey, the best player on the Illini by far, hits a three to make it 26-19. Minnesota responds by running the shot clock down to two for the 12th time of the first half and then throwing a brick off the front iron.
2:46–The real story of the game so far is that Illinois is 10-of-14 from the free throw line, and Shaun Pruitt is 4-of-5. In other equally-as-believable news, Diora Baird just walked in to my apartment naked offering a free titty-fuck and I told her I was busy.
:20–Pruitt just hit a contested fall away to give him 12 points, 5 boards, and 3 blocks in the first half. Minnesota center Spencer Tollackson is not going to rush to include this half on his highlight reel.
Halftime–Illinois 29, Minnesota 23. Illinois’ defense has been strong (or Minnesota’s offense has been atrocious) and they have hit their free throws, and the Illini are only up 6. I’m gonna see what the second half line is; I’m liking the Gophers.
20:00–The second half spread is a pick ’em. There’s no way Illinois is winning by more than six. I drop a 50 spot on the Gophers.
17:23–I see that Duke is losing to Clemson early in the second half. I would turn that game on if I wasn’t blogging; its probably for the best–if I saw the ridiculous calls Duke will get down the stretch of that game, I’d get so upset I might want to kick a baby.
15:16–Some dude named McKenzie just hit a fallaway three for Minnesota which stayed in the air for about a week before toasting the nylon. These are the types of shots the Gophers are taking on half their possessions. Just awesome offensive production. Why did I bet again?
14:51–Minnesota alum Tony Dungy has joined Packer and Nantz to talk about the game. After ten seconds, he realizes Packer is gay and that he hates him.
13:42–McKenzie hits a runner in the lane to cut it to 32-30 Illinois. Feed McKenzie, Tubby! Feed him!
11:58–Tied at 32 as Williams (?) hits a jumper from the free throw line. Dungy says that the Gopher defense is the reason for the ‘comeback’. Yes, thats probably it….not that Illinois is one of the worst ten offensive teams in the country. Stick to blowing playoff games and hating gays, Tony.
(Can someone explain these AT&T commercials with the guy doing the Harry Caray impression? Why Harry Caray? What does he have to do with my phone service? Also, its not exactly topical–he died ten fucking years ago. Plus, the impression sucks. A buddy of mine in college did a better Harry impression, and he’s a damn IT consultant now.)
10:08–Its till 32-32. Seriously.
9:24–McCamey heard me complaining….nails a three to make it 37-32 Illinois. While I’m typing, Brock hits a jumper in transition for the Illini and I’m losing by a point.
8:14–McKenzie AGAIN!!!! You can’t stop him, you can only……well, you can probably stop him if you try really hard. Well, not really hard. Just get a hand in his face.
6:55–The two teams have 8 field goals and 9 turnovers in the second half. What am I doing watching this?
6:00–Illinois by 4. This is about the 6th commercial break in the last 4 minutes. I click over and see Clemson up 5 over Duke with a minute left. Dickie V and Mike Patrick announce they are starting a petition saying that if Clemson wins, the game doesn’t count.
4:22–Its obvious that the Gophers have absolutely no one on offensive. Outside of McKenzie’s three crazy shots, they have 6 points in the second half.
(Also, Clemson has beaten Duke to advance to the ACC Championship against a team–North Carolina–they haven’t beaten since the early 80s. Stacey Dales does an interview with some Tiger and immediately shows she is pushing Erin Andrews for sideline reporting supremacy.)
2:32–Brian Randle hits a layup to make it 50-40 Illinois. I might be done, unless the Illini go back to the team that can’t hit a free throw to save their lives down the stretch.
1:37–Minnesota’s Nolen hits a layup and gets fouled, but misses the free throw……fucking Illinois is supposed to be the team that misses key free throws.
1:17–Nolen hits 2 free throws. Also, I learn McKenzie’s first name is Lawrence. 52-46 Illinois.
:52–Meachem misses a free throw, Minnesota gets the rebound–and promptly dribbles the ball of the foot of an Illinois player. The Illini get the loose ball and get fouled again. Kill me.
:39–The Illini continue to foul the Gophers as if they have money on their opponents. So I got that going for me. 53-47 Illinois.
:20–After Chester Frazier hits one of two for the Illini, some white dude on Minnesota who I haven’t seen in the game all day hits a three for the Gophers. 54-50 Illinois. I’m up 2. I’m almost positive Illinois will end up winning this game by 7 or 8 at this point.
:15–Illinois inbounds the ball to Brock and he dribbles it off his foot out of bounds. What athleticism. Minnesota inbounds the ball, puts up a shot, misses, and Brock rebounds the ball and simultaneously gets punched in the face, falling to the ground. The refs take about five minutes to determine that its neither a foul or a travelling violation. Illinois ball. All righty. This game is truly a shining example of how James Naismith dreamed it up.
(Now, the refs are saying there should be 4.8 seconds on the clock, even though replays show Brock hit the ground and the ref blow his whistle with 7.4 left. Whatever.)
4.8–After all that, Illinois inbounds the ball and the Gophers fail to foul. Illinois runs out the clock and wins 54-50. I win!!!

Folks, when this Illinois team make your conference’s final, you have a shitty conference. Hope you had fun. At least I made 50 bones while watching this piece of garbage.

Divisional Round Picks

January 10, 2008

Well, that was a rough week. While I did make money last weekend and backed it up with a win on LSU on Monday night, I went 0-4 on my picks. So read my analysis with a pile of salt. Not a grain. A big ole pile.

Season: 120-129-11

Seattle (+8) at Green Bay: Although the Seahawks weren’t really impressive last week, they did win by 21 points. Then you have the well-rested Pack. Everyone talks about the Packers’ great home field advantage there at Lambeau Field. Meanwhile, the last few times the Packers have played in big games and bad weather, they’ve played like shit (at Chicago in Week 16, against the Falcons in the playoffs in 2003). On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread. Green Bay 21, Seattle 17.

Jacksonville (+13.5) at New England: I really don’t understand all the Jacksonville love. Yes, once again, they had a very good November and December. Then, in their first playoff game, they played a Steeler team with half of an offensive line and no running game. They blow an 18 point fourth quarter lead and only win because David Garrard run 32 yards on a quarterback draw on a pivotal 4th and 2. This is the scary Jags team that is supposed to be the biggest threat to New England? I see the Jags running the ball well, scoring some points, but not having the defense to stay with a focused, rested Patriot team. New England 35, Jacksonville 17.

San Diego (+8) at Indianapolis: When I first saw this line, I immediately remembered how bad the Colts offense has looked and how tough the Chargers play them, and thought that San Diego seemed like a lock. But after really analyzing the teams and players, I realize that I have to bet the Colts. Last time these teams played, the game was at San Diego. The Colts were playing without Marvin Harrison and Dallas Clark. The Chargers got 2 touchdown returns on kicks. Peyton Manning threw SIX interceptions. Adam Viniateri missed two kicks, including a 26-yard field goal at the end. And the Chargers STILL only won by 2. So now, with Antonio Gates out, all those guys back for the Colts, at Indianapolis–I’m supposed to take the Chargers? Plus, remember that we’re talking about Norv and Philip Rivers on the road against the defending champs in their first big game since winning the title. Yeah, I’m going with Indy. Indianapolis 30, San Diego 13.

NY Giants (+8.5) at Dallas: I am all over the Giants here. After doubting the G-Men last week and picking Tampa Bay, I realized that this team is better than I thought and has a real chance at not only toppling a banged-up Cowboys team, but perhaps going to the Super Bowl. I really think Eli is underrated. Perhaps the better phrase is ‘too heavily criticized’. Sure, he’s had some horrendous games, but remember this is only his fourth season as a NFL quarterback, and he plays under the most pressure of any player in the league, week in and week out. Not only is he the quarterback of the number one team in the number one market, but his older brother is one of the best players of all time. And with all that, he’s maturing as a player. I expect a solid game out of him against an overrated Dallas defense. But, will the Cowboys win? I think it really all depends on Terrell Owens’ injury. I don’t think he’ll miss the game, as was reported by John Clayton. This is a guy who played on a broken leg once, and played well. But if he does miss the game, or plays but is obviously hampered, I like the Giants to win straight up. If T.O. is himself, Dallas will pull it out. I’ll go with my gut, which is ample. NY Giants 27, Dallas 24.

Because I often just surf the net at work rather than do actual work, I went to today and found that its Sarah Shahi’s birthday today. The big 2-8. So as a present to Sarah, I have decided to feature her on the favorite blog of…….at least 3 or 4 people. See ya later, haters.

walking you through a wonderful weekend of gambling

January 7, 2008

I quit betting on football a few years ago. All though college, I bet money I didn’t have and ended up having to call home for extra cash because of “an extra book for class” or because I “needed it”. Most of the time, it was because one of my locks of the week ended up getting…….I don’t know…..unlocked.

After college, I continued betting. I studied the lines like it was my career. (Actually, since I was a freelance writer for a newspaper, covering high shcool sports for 50 dollars an assignment, betting WAS my career.) Inevitably, I was down somewhere between 1000 and 2000 at the end of the year. Since I was making about 20,000 a year, this was quite steep.

So a few years ago, I decided to quit betting on football outside of the playoffs and Super Bowl. And its worked out well. I get the extra edge I used to get from gambling from fantasy football. And I save money. Everyone wins. Except my bookie.

But this year, like the previous two, I resume betting on football on Wild Card Weekend. Here’s how the 2008 start went.

Washington at Seattle: So I start off with 25 bucks on Washington plus 3, and 75 on the 1st half under, which is 19. As I’m watching the game, it becomes obvious Washington’s offense can’t do a thing. Todd Collins is under constant pressure, and even when he’s able to get a good throw off, his receivers are dropping them. While Seattle’s offense isn’t exactly tearing it up, it seems apparent they won’t have to score much to win this game. At the half, its 10-0 Seahawks and I’m already up 75. I check the site and see that the 2nd half spread is a pick em. After watching that Redskin offense in the first half, I figure they’d be lucky to score, let alone outscore Seattle in the final thirty minutes. I lay 100 on Seattle in the 2nd half. So, because I am bad at gambling, the Redskins score two touchdowns in the third quarter and then immediately get the ball again because Seattle forgets they have to field kicks in football. But apparently Shaun Suisham didn’t get the memo that Sean Taylor died, because he shanks a 30-yard field goal. From there on, the Seahawks score 22 points, including 2 interception returns for touchdowns and the Seahawks win 35-14. It was nice of them to honor Taylor’s memory by beating Washington by 21. As for me, I’m up 147.50 after one game. Sweet.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: I liked Pittsburgh plus 2 and a half here, so I put 50 on it and leave it at that. I know everyone and their mother was loving the Jags, but I thought it would be difficult for Jacksonville to win at Pittsburgh twice in a four-week span. And it was difficult. Great comeback by Pittsburgh, and an equally great late drive by the Jags and David Garrard, who’s 30-yard scramble on 4th-and-2 set up the game winning field goal. But I covered the spread, and that is all that matters. Even Mike Tomlin will tell you that. For the day, I’m up 197.50. Awesome.

NY Giants at Tampa Bay: Again I go against the grain. Everyone seems to feel the Giants are hot and Tampa is not. I go with the theory that Jon Gruden has had three weeks to prepare for the Giants and the Bucs are well-rested, and therefore I’m laying the points for a small 25 bucks. I am also putting another 25 on the first half under of 20.5. The Bucs go down the field late in the first quarter for an early 7-0 lead, and both bets look great. This is the last time I would be happy on this Sunday.

The Giants, from that point on, completely dominate Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia is under constant pressure, and when he’s not, he’s throwing horrible passes. Its the worst he’s looked since his Detroit days. Meanwhile, Eli Manning is carving up the Bucs, and it has become apparent that he is unstoppable on the road. Maybe the Giants should just play all their games on the road. Just donate their 8 home games to their opponents. Eli would probably be MVP. Anyway, I lose both bets and I’m now at +142.50.

Tennessee at San Diego: Oh, fuck this game. Fuck it right in the ear. I start off with a 50 spot on the Titans plus 10. I have no faith in Norv or Philip Rivers, so I also put 25 on the Tennessee money line, at +400. (For those not familiar with gambling, this means I take the Titans–with odds–to win the game straight up. So if I lose, I drop 25; if I were to win, I get 100 bucks.) The first half is exactly how I expected–and hoped–it would go. The Titans are playing their usual boring as shit ball, just running it and playing field position. They have been able to shut down LT, and I have no doubt that Rivers will choke on his own cock in the 2nd half. Up 6-0 at the half, I see that the Titans are +9 for the second half. Even though the Chargers are a second half team, this seems like a lock.

Well, there were a few things I didn’t know. First off, Rod Bironas would miss a 30-yard field goal on the Titans’ only scoring chance of the second half. Second, the Titans’ defensive backs are fucking atrocious. With Antonio Gates out, you’d think they could stop the Chargers on 3rd-and-10 or more; you’d think wrong. Time and time again, the Charger receviers were wide open on 3rd and long plays, and eventually the Tennessee defense just didn’t have it anymore. Oh, and also, Vince Young is fucking horrible. You know how many times he tucked it and ran yesterday? Zero. None. Apparently, he thought his rocket arm and receiving corps of Justin Gage and Ben Troupe would be enough. Fuck, Vince. Run the fucking ball. And finally, the Chargers might be the biggest team of douchebags in the entire league. Philip Rivers is a whining little bitch who complains about fucking EVERYTHING. Every time they show him he’s crying to the refs or to his teammates or coaches. Just shut the fuck up and play. Its your second year in the league as a starter, douche. But its not just him. The whole Charger defense acts like they won the lottery every time they make a play. I love celebrations and hate the NFL for trying to cut down on players’ expressing themselves, but if Shawne Merriman does that stupid ass dance one more time, I’m going to kill myself. And whats up with Shaun Phillips and Luis Castillo doing the ‘kick your leg’ thing after every play? Jesus, go back to the huddle, fucksticks.

Honestly, if I had to make a list of the biggest asswipes in the NFL, I think Rivers and Merriman would definitely be in the top 10. Rodney Harrison is definitely at the top. So is Roy Williams of the Cowboys. Learn how to not horse collar, you fucking faggot. Olin Kruetz is a major shithead. Oh, and watch the Packers sometime. Focus on Nick Barnett, and how often he jumps late into piles and just acts like a total asswipe. Well, I’ve gone off on a tangent here. Sorry.

Anyway, I lose all my Sunday bets and end up at +32.50 for the weekend. Fuck the Chargers.

HHY WILD card round picks

January 3, 2008

Season: 120-125-11

Seattle (-4) vs. Washington: I really hate this game. Part of me wants to take Seattle because they are so tough at home, they’re rested, and there is no way I should bet on Todd Collins on the road in the postseason. On the other hand, the Redskins might be the hottest team in the NFL and have the whole Sean Taylor thing going on. In the end, I’ll take the cowards way out: choose Seattle to win the game but not cover the spread. I think Hassellbeck will do just enough to win this game despite having no help from the running game. Seattle 20, Washington 17.

Jacksonville (Pk) vs. Pittsburgh: It scares me that everyone is so sure of next week’s great New England-Jacksonville matchup. I know the Jags are one of the best teams in the league and are “made for January football”, but this is still the Steelers at home in the postseason. The injury to Willie Parker is not quite as huge in this game, I think, because the Jags stop the run really well and the Steelers would have used the pass anyway. Big Ben is having a terrific year, and I think he leads the Steelers to a rare surprising home win. Pittsburgh 24, Jacksonville 20.

Tampa Bay (-2.5) vs. NY Giants: I was really close to taking the Giants here. Eli looked awesome last week and always plays better on the road. Plaxico is running as well as he did in Week 1. Brandon Jacobs is strong. The Giants’ pass rush is fantastic. But Jon Gruden has been resting his regulars and preparing for the Giants for three weeks. Gruden against Tom Coughlin? Please. I also love Jeff Garcia and Earnest Graham. Finally, I think this may be the first time in NFL history that a team has a letdown for its first playoff game after a Week 17 battle. Tampa Bay 27, NY Giants 13.

San Diego (-9.5) vs Tennessee: This game makes me nauseus. If you have read my NFL reviews of each week, you know my disdain for the Titans. They are so fucking boring its ridiculous. But, I do get to watch LT here. As much as I hate to watch the Titans, I love Jeff Fisher and I think they are a great bet this week. The Titans are strong against the run, and if they can shut down LT and make Philip Rivers beat them, they have a chance to pull a huge upset. Plus, the Chargers are coached by Norv. However, I think this will be that late Sunday game that makes you sleepy, with very low scoring and some bad, bad quarterback play. San Diego 16, Tennessee 13.

HHY picks, week 17

December 27, 2007

Since this week’s games is a complete pile of shit, I’m really glad I’ll be extending the picks section to the playoffs. 

Season: 113-116-11

New England (-14.5) over NY Giants
San Francisco (+11.5) over Cleveland
Miami (+3) over Cincinnati
Seattle (+2) over Atlanta
Green Bay (-3) over Detroit
Buffalo (+7.5) over Philadelphia
Carolina (-3) over Tampa Bay
Houston (-6.5) over Jacksonville
New Orleans (-3) over Chicago
Washington (-8) over Dallas
Kansas City (+6.5) over NY Jets
Minnesota (-3) over Denver
Pittsburgh (-3.5) over Baltimore
San Diego (-8) over Oakland
St. Louis (+6) over Arizona
Tennessee (-4) over Indianapolis

HHY Week 15 picks

December 12, 2007

Season: 98-99-11

Denver (Pk) over Houston
Tennessee (-4) over Kansas City
Cincinnati (-8) over San Francisco
Tampa Bay (-13.5) over Atlanta
Seattle (-7.5) over Carolina
Green Bay (-10) over St. Louis
Baltimore (-3.5) over Miami
New England (-23.5) over NY Jets
Arizona (+3.5) over New Orleans
Jacksonville (+3.5) over Pittsburgh
Indianapolis (-10.5) over Oakland
San Diego (-10) over Detroit
Philadelphia (+10.5) over Dallas
NY Giants (-4.5) over Washington
Chicago (+10) over Minnesota

HHY Week 14 picks

December 6, 2007

I’ve had three straight poor weeks, dipping me below .500 for the first time.

Season: 89-92-11

Chicago (+3) over Washington
Dallas (-10.5) over Detroit
Jacksonville (-10.5) over Carolina
San Diego (pk) over Tennessee
Green Bay (-10) over Oakland
NY Giants (+3) over Philadelphia
Cincinnati (-6) over St. Louis
Tampa Bay (-3) over Houston
Buffalo (-7) over Miami
Minnesota (-7) over San Francisco
Arizona (+6.5) over Seattle
Cleveland (-3.5) over NY Jets
Kansas City (+6.5) over Denver
Pittsburgh (+13) over New England
Indianapolis (-9.5) over Baltimore
Atlanta (+5) over New Orleans