Archive for the ‘fantasy football’ category

week 14 roundup

December 11, 2007

I’m going to keep it relatively short and sweet this week. I mean, half the games don’t matter. Plus, I’m busy at work for once and I’m not going to spend an hour writing this thing since only about 7 people read it.

Washington 24, Chicago 16–Thank God we are now going to get Neck Beard as the quarterback for the last three games. I mean, when you have a must win against a team who had one practice all week, then knock out their starting quarterback thus ensuring a guy who hasn’t played in 3 years will finish the game, and you still lose by 8……..well, my friend, you suck. Therefore, I want to see Neck Beard. And Garrett Wolfe. And Josh Beekman. All the guys on the practice squad who might have a chance to contribute in 2008. Throw them out there. I don’t care if the Bears lose by 40 the last three games; I want to see what these fools can do. If not now, when? Training camp? Not the same. The 2008 preseason? Fuck that.

Dallas 28, Detroit 27–Read what I wrote in the Week 10 roundup: “Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out.” I rest my case.

Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6–Carolina is the second-worst team in football right now. And if they played Miami straight up on a neutral site, the Panthers are no better than a 2 or 3 point favorite. They straight up suck like Gianna. (Look her up).

NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13–How does Plaxico Burress even get open at this point? Did you see him running after that one reception? He looked like his foot was caught in a bear trap. Also, I’m not in the camp that Andy Reid MUST quit after this season in order to get his ‘house in order’. That shits fucking dumb. His grown son sold drugs. There isn’t much Andy can do about that. Its not like he gave his 8-year old a gun and the kid shot someone. However, it might be best for the Eagles franchise to just cut Andy and Donovan McNabb loose and rebuild. Find out if Kevin Kolb is the man for the job. Also, poor Brian Westbrook. God, that guy is an absolute beast. Its too bad people are all hung up (rightly so) on Purple Jesus and Tomlinson, because Westbrook is easily in that class of running backs.

San Diego 23, Tennessee 17–I mean, Jeff Fisher must be suicidal this week, right? A 17-3 lead at home in the 4th quarter against Norv, and they blow it? And now they are on the outside of the playoff chase? Oh, and Vince Young is fucking horrible. Holy shit. Do you know this dude has 7 touchdowns and 16 interceptions? Sure, his set of receivers are a fucking abortion, but he’s brutal. Plus, he’s only got 350 rushing yards. He should tell all these motherfuckers that are trying to turn him into a ‘dropback passer’ to go fuck themselves and just run. If Vick could go for 700-1,000 yards rushing every year, you mean Young can’t go for at least 600?

Cincinnati 19, St. Louis 10–I bet the Bengals fans who bought tickets to this game at the beginning of the season were all ‘Aww, man…..what a great game. Two playoff-bound teams, two great offenses, going back and forth. Its gonna be like 45-42! I wouldn’t be suprised if this game gets flexed to Sunday night!’ Then by mid-Ocotober they were looking to sell the seats because they realized it was going to be the worst game of the week in sub-zero weather. I’ve been there, Cincy fans.

Buffalo 38, Miami 17–Can someone tell me why the Bills don’t wear these jerseys all the time? Their other uniforms suck, and these are fucking awesome. Look at the little red buffalo up there! Even Jauron can’t lose when they wear these unis! Meanwhile, the Dolphins are going to be lucky to win a game. Remember when EOS and I had that argument about who was worse, the Rams or the Dolphins? I’M RIGHT AGAIN.

Houston 28, Tampa Bay 14–Sage Rosenfels is unstoppable. Monte Kiffin had no answer. He was trying everything–cover two, cover three, zone blitzes…he even tried Washington’s patented 10-man defense. Nothing worked.

Green Bay 38, Oakland 7–You plan and plan for a fantasy football draft. You go with your time-tested strategy of RB-RB in the first two rounds, and a third RB somewhere in the next two or three. You’re having a good season, and your triumverate of backs are playing well. Then, around Week 9, you pick up a little-known, bottom of the bench guy from the Packers named Ryan Grant. You never start him, but by the end of the season he’s consistently blowing up. Then, before the first week of the playoffs, your number two back is hurt (Marshawn Lynch) and your number three is a bitch (Edgerrin James). You tell Grant, ‘Get in there son. Make me proud, and help me beat the Underdogs.’ And he goes for 22 points, and leads the San Diego Whale Vaginas to a victory. Great story. Compelling and rich. (Just don’t blow it this week against Sexytime).

Seattle 42, Arizona 21–Kurt Warner held to five picks. Good job, Kurt. You fucking Iowan weirdo. You and your fundamentalist wife should just go away now.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7Adrian Peterson Chester Taylor cannot be stopped! Purple Jesus Purple Joseph is here to save us from our mundane lives! Not to take anything away from AD or Chester the Molester, but I’m beginning to thing this Vikings line is, whats the word, dominant. Me and EOS could get 80 yards behind these fools. Especially EOS. He’s like the Brian Westbrook of the blog-writing world. Shifty. Like a Michael Turner or Westbrook. I’m more plodding. And slow. Like a Brian Leonard. Or Brad Muster.

Denver 41, Kansas City 7–Whatever.

Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18–Ya know, everyone is talking about how the Patriots are going to absolutely murder the Jets this week. Just run up the score all day. Like its going to be 109-0 or some shit. Lets not forget, the Jets are a professional football team. Yes, they’re 3-10, but its not like New England is playing the Delaware Blue Hens or something. I’m sure with all this talk about a potential record-setting blowout, the Jets are going to lay it on the line. This is their Super Bowl. I expect them to give their best effort, and battle the Pats to a 52-14 loss. I know, I know… me crazy. But I think the Jets are going to be really resilient in holding Brady to 6 touchdown passes.

New England 34, Pittsburgh 13–In this space last week, I wrote that the Patriots would smash the Steelers. Then, in my picks, I took Pittsburgh plus a measley 13. The lesson…..I’m a fucking dope.

Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20–And the Ravens have folded it up. They better beat the Fish this week, though. I really want the Miami franchise to have their undefeated record erased in the same season that their 2007 team goes winless. That would be scrumcious. (I don’t know if I spelled that right, but half you fuckers are illiterate anyway).

One final note…..that Gianna chick I mentioned in the Jacksonville-Carolina game is a porn star, so if you do look her up, those are going to be NFSW. Also, she’s not at all hot, but she does deliver the best onscreen BJ I’ve seen in my porn-watching career. I really should write a blog about porn; you know, my favorite stars, scenes, etc. That wouldn’t be creepy, right?

some mid-week observations

December 5, 2007

So, here is what is on my mind at this moment, sports-wise. (I have other things on my mind, but you really, really don’t want to go there, my friend.)

The White Sox off-season ‘struggles’: So, today on talk radio and in the papers, White Sox GM Kenny Williams is getting killed because the team’s two biggest off-season targets, Torii Hunter and Miguel Cabrera, were snatched away by American League rivals, including the division rival Tigers grabbing the awesome 24-year old third baseman/outfielder/professional hitter and pitcher Dontrelle Willis yesterday for a boatload of prospects. Critics say that Kenny has failed as a general manager and that he has done a poor job since the 2005 title. People want him out of town. Fans are throwing moltov cocktails through the already broken windows of the neighboring buildings around Comiskey part II.

Folks, lets break this down. The LA Angels spent a shitload of money for Torii Hunter. No one thought they were in the market for the centerfielder, it seemed to be between the Sox and Texas, and suddenly the Angels came out of nowhere and offered an additional year and 15 million more dollars a year. Reportedly, Hunter accepted the deal well before the Sox even had a chance to react. So what, exactly, did Williams do wrong here? He offered the player a more than generous and fair offer. It seemed Hunter was thrilled with the Sox and the city of Chicago, and it was a foregone conclusion that he would be roaming the outfield at the Cell for the next few years. Then, a team comes out of nowhere with a crazy deal which is too long and too expensive and the player accepts it. How exactly is Torii Hunter ending up in Anaheim a result of Kenny failing as a general manager?

So, lets go to the next issue: Miguel Cabrera. It was reported that the Sox were one of the two major teams in pursuit for the guy, along with the Detroit Tigers. The Marlins wanted a bunch of prospects, and if possible, wanted the team they were dealing with to also take Dontrelle Willis and his huge contract off their hands. In the end, the Tigers offered a solid package which included their top pitching and position player prospects and four other players. There was no way the White Sox could match this offer. So, Cabrera goes to Detroit. So, lets get this straight: Its Kenny’s fault that his organization doesn’t have a pitching prospect the caliber of Andrew Miller, a hitting prospect the quality of Cameron Maybin, and four other decent to solid young players. He was somehow supposed to force to make the Marlins take a lesser deal.

Sure, some might argue that its Kenny’s fault that the Sox’ minor league system didn’t have the assets to compete with the Tigers. Well, the two keys to the deal–Miller and Maybin–were drafted in the top 10 in 2005 and 2006. The reason the Tigers had those guys in their system? BECAUSE THEIR TEAM SUCKED DURING THE SAME YEAR(S) THAT THE WHITE SOX WON THE WORLD SERIES!!!! So, would we rather have the high draftees which ultimately bring a great young hitter in 2007, or a World Championship?

People, Kenny Williams was doubted by everyone in this town for the majority of his deals he’s made. Remember in 2004 when everyone hated his moves? How did they look in October of the following year? I’m not saying that this is all part of a master plan which will curry a title next season. What I am saying is that Williams should be granted plenty of leeway since he has built a title winner and plenty of other teams which contended well into September. He’s aggressive and will not allow this team to step onto the field in April without making more moves. Relax.

Fantasy football playoffs: So, the playoffs start this week in my major league. This league is worth a shitload of cash if I win three more games. My team is stacked, but as is the case with all fantasy football teams, that shit doesn’t matter because anyone can blow up like a suicide bomber in a given week.

This week, I have two lineup dilemmas. I know what I am going to do, but I’d like to put em out there to see what others think. First, at running back I am very deep, but the guy I want to start–Marshawn Lynch–may be a game-time decision. So that leaves me Edgerrin James and Ryan Grant. At first glance, to the untrained eye, it would seem James is the obvious choice. But Grant has been absolute beast the last four weeks, including three games of 19 or more points. Also, the Packers are playing the Raiders–the 30th ranked run defense in the league. Finally, Brett Favre is sure to be banged up after his injury Thursday. So perhaps the Pack relies on the run a little more than usual. So that is why I am going with Grant over Edge.

My other problem is at the wide receiver slot. I have to start three of the following four: Braylon Edwards, Chad Johnson, Andre Johnson, and Wes Welker. I am leaning towards the first three, obviously, but part of me really wants to start Welker against the Steelers. I have a sneaking suspicion that he will explode–sexually and fantasy wise–as Pittsburgh focuses on Randy Moss.

What do you mark-ass marks think?