I’m going to keep it relatively short and sweet this week. I mean, half the games don’t matter. Plus, I’m busy at work for once and I’m not going to spend an hour writing this thing since only about 7 people read it.
Washington 24, Chicago 16–Thank God we are now going to get Neck Beard as the quarterback for the last three games. I mean, when you have a must win against a team who had one practice all week, then knock out their starting quarterback thus ensuring a guy who hasn’t played in 3 years will finish the game, and you still lose by 8……..well, my friend, you suck. Therefore, I want to see Neck Beard. And Garrett Wolfe. And Josh Beekman. All the guys on the practice squad who might have a chance to contribute in 2008. Throw them out there. I don’t care if the Bears lose by 40 the last three games; I want to see what these fools can do. If not now, when? Training camp? Not the same. The 2008 preseason? Fuck that.
Dallas 28, Detroit 27–Read what I wrote in the Week 10 roundup: “Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out.” I rest my case.
Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6–Carolina is the second-worst team in football right now. And if they played Miami straight up on a neutral site, the Panthers are no better than a 2 or 3 point favorite. They straight up suck like Gianna. (Look her up).
NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13–How does Plaxico Burress even get open at this point? Did you see him running after that one reception? He looked like his foot was caught in a bear trap. Also, I’m not in the camp that Andy Reid MUST quit after this season in order to get his ‘house in order’. That shits fucking dumb. His grown son sold drugs. There isn’t much Andy can do about that. Its not like he gave his 8-year old a gun and the kid shot someone. However, it might be best for the Eagles franchise to just cut Andy and Donovan McNabb loose and rebuild. Find out if Kevin Kolb is the man for the job. Also, poor Brian Westbrook. God, that guy is an absolute beast. Its too bad people are all hung up (rightly so) on Purple Jesus and Tomlinson, because Westbrook is easily in that class of running backs.
San Diego 23, Tennessee 17–I mean, Jeff Fisher must be suicidal this week, right? A 17-3 lead at home in the 4th quarter against Norv, and they blow it? And now they are on the outside of the playoff chase? Oh, and Vince Young is fucking horrible. Holy shit. Do you know this dude has 7 touchdowns and 16 interceptions? Sure, his set of receivers are a fucking abortion, but he’s brutal. Plus, he’s only got 350 rushing yards. He should tell all these motherfuckers that are trying to turn him into a ‘dropback passer’ to go fuck themselves and just run. If Vick could go for 700-1,000 yards rushing every year, you mean Young can’t go for at least 600?
Cincinnati 19, St. Louis 10–I bet the Bengals fans who bought tickets to this game at the beginning of the season were all ‘Aww, man…..what a great game. Two playoff-bound teams, two great offenses, going back and forth. Its gonna be like 45-42! I wouldn’t be suprised if this game gets flexed to Sunday night!’ Then by mid-Ocotober they were looking to sell the seats because they realized it was going to be the worst game of the week in sub-zero weather. I’ve been there, Cincy fans.
Buffalo 38, Miami 17–Can someone tell me why the Bills don’t wear these jerseys all the time? Their other uniforms suck, and these are fucking awesome. Look at the little red buffalo up there! Even Jauron can’t lose when they wear these unis! Meanwhile, the Dolphins are going to be lucky to win a game. Remember when EOS and I had that argument about who was worse, the Rams or the Dolphins? I’M RIGHT AGAIN.
Houston 28, Tampa Bay 14–Sage Rosenfels is unstoppable. Monte Kiffin had no answer. He was trying everything–cover two, cover three, zone blitzes…he even tried Washington’s patented 10-man defense. Nothing worked.
Green Bay 38, Oakland 7–You plan and plan for a fantasy football draft. You go with your time-tested strategy of RB-RB in the first two rounds, and a third RB somewhere in the next two or three. You’re having a good season, and your triumverate of backs are playing well. Then, around Week 9, you pick up a little-known, bottom of the bench guy from the Packers named Ryan Grant. You never start him, but by the end of the season he’s consistently blowing up. Then, before the first week of the playoffs, your number two back is hurt (Marshawn Lynch) and your number three is a bitch (Edgerrin James). You tell Grant, ‘Get in there son. Make me proud, and help me beat the Underdogs.’ And he goes for 22 points, and leads the San Diego Whale Vaginas to a victory. Great story. Compelling and rich. (Just don’t blow it this week against Sexytime).
Seattle 42, Arizona 21–Kurt Warner held to five picks. Good job, Kurt. You fucking Iowan weirdo. You and your fundamentalist wife should just go away now.
Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7—
Adrian Peterson Chester Taylor cannot be stopped! Purple Jesus Purple Joseph is here to save us from our mundane lives! Not to take anything away from AD or Chester the Molester, but I’m beginning to thing this Vikings line is, whats the word, dominant. Me and EOS could get 80 yards behind these fools. Especially EOS. He’s like the Brian Westbrook of the blog-writing world. Shifty. Like a Michael Turner or Westbrook. I’m more plodding. And slow. Like a Brian Leonard. Or Brad Muster.
Denver 41, Kansas City 7–Whatever.
Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18–Ya know, everyone is talking about how the Patriots are going to absolutely murder the Jets this week. Just run up the score all day. Like its going to be 109-0 or some shit. Lets not forget, the Jets are a professional football team. Yes, they’re 3-10, but its not like New England is playing the Delaware Blue Hens or something. I’m sure with all this talk about a potential record-setting blowout, the Jets are going to lay it on the line. This is their Super Bowl. I expect them to give their best effort, and battle the Pats to a 52-14 loss. I know, I know…..call me crazy. But I think the Jets are going to be really resilient in holding Brady to 6 touchdown passes.
New England 34, Pittsburgh 13–In this space last week, I wrote that the Patriots would smash the Steelers. Then, in my picks, I took Pittsburgh plus a measley 13. The lesson…..I’m a fucking dope.
Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20–And the Ravens have folded it up. They better beat the Fish this week, though. I really want the Miami franchise to have their undefeated record erased in the same season that their 2007 team goes winless. That would be scrumcious. (I don’t know if I spelled that right, but half you fuckers are illiterate anyway).
One final note…..that Gianna chick I mentioned in the Jacksonville-Carolina game is a porn star, so if you do look her up, those are going to be NFSW. Also, she’s not at all hot, but she does deliver the best onscreen BJ I’ve seen in my porn-watching career. I really should write a blog about porn; you know, my favorite stars, scenes, etc. That wouldn’t be creepy, right?