Archive for the ‘Green Bay Packers’ category

Why Should I Be Sad to See Him Go?

March 5, 2008

Favre_hate 

The announcement of Brett Favre’s retirement yesterday came as a shock to most. To me, it came as a relief.

No, I am not going to miss watching him play. He didn’t play for my team. In fact, he played for the biggest rival of my favorite team. And while I respect Favre’s play and never disliked him, you have to understand what it was like to be a Bears fan during his tenure with the Cheeseheads. It wasn’t fun.

Favre’s career record against the Bears was 79-5 (not really). From the time Favre made his first start against Chicago in 1992 until he made his last in 2007, the Bears had 24 different starting quarterbacks, including Peter Tom Willis, Moses Moreno, Henry Burris, and Steve Stenstrom (really).

He once beat the Bears with two broken arms. In 1993, he played an entire game in Soldier Field without a helmet, and threw four touchdowns. On four different occasions against the Packers’ rival, he threw a touchdown pass to himself. And he had sex with my momma.

The guy’s Hall of Fame highlight reel could be made up solely of his 32 career games against the Bears. Here are three games forever burned into my memory as a Bears fan:

3) November 12, 1995–Basically playing on one leg (and enough Vicodin to kill a horse), Favre throws for 336 yards and 5 touchdowns to lead Green Bay to a 35-28 victory in a must-win for the Bears. My team later misses the playoffs by 1 game. Favre’s does not.

2) September 29, 2003–The NFL decides it would be great theatre if the Bears open new Soldier Field on Monday Night Football against the team they’ve beaten once since 1994. The league gets exactly as it deserves–a shitty game–as Favre and the Pack jump out to a 17-0 first quarter lead en route to a 38-23 lead behind 3 Favre touchdown passes.

1) September 11, 1995–I watch from my dorm room, freshman year of college, with about 20 other die-hard Bears fans as our team battles the up-and-coming Packers. The Bears lead until Favre connects with Robert Brooks on a 99-yard touchdown pass in the second quarter. After the play, Favre takes off his helmet and runs down the field as if he’s Amy Winehouse and he just saw a crack dealer in the south end zone. Bears lose 27-24.

Sure, the memories were a little better the last few years as the Bears played inspired ball against Favre and Green Bay. But as someone who grew up as a Bears fan and watched almost every Bears-Packers game since 1992, I’m not sad to see him go. One more time, for old times sake…….

……Green Bay sucks, and Brett Favre swallows.

“I’m Just Tired”

March 4, 2008

Brett Favre retires

As a Bear’s fan, I should probably be happy to have Brett Favre retire and not have to face him twice a year. But to be completely honest, it was fun to watch him all those years. The Bears/Packers rivalry is one of the best, if not THE best, in the NFL and I’m sitting here wondering if it will be the same. This move has a ton of implications on the NFC Central, if not the NFC altogether. Two years ago, it wouldn’t have made such a difference if he retired. But after the monster season he and the Packers had last year, I’m wondering where everyone now stands in our division.

The Packers were clicking both defensively and offensively last season, and despite early struggles in the running game, Ryan Grant showed up at the end of the season and played some terrific games. But do I think that Aaron Rodgers or Craig Nall can come in and lead this same team the way that Brett did? Not at all. Just look at what you lose:

– Through 16 seasons, he retires with 5,377 career completions in 8,758 attempts for 61,655 yards, 442 touchdowns and 288 interceptions.

– He was a three-time regular season MVP.- He extended his quarterback-record streak of consecutive regular-season starts to 253 games and if you add the playoffs, the streak stands at 275.

– He broke Dan Marino’s career records for most touchdown passes and most yards passing and John Elway’s record for most career victories by a starting quarterback.

To be completely honest, the NFC Central could go a couple ways next year. I had the Packers as my #1 seed in the division, but now we need to look at the Lions, Vikings and Bears. The Vikings just acquired Bernard Berrian to try and balance their offensive attack with Adrian Peterson. The Lions were 6-2 through the first half of the season last year and looked to be an early favorite for the Dvivision title, only to lose 7 out of their last 8. The Bears turned on their defense late last year and proved they could win, even with Kyle Orton behind center, but they really need to shore up their offense in the offseason (which we are all worried they are NOT doing).

If I had to give you my early pick, I really think the Vikings could make a run if they can have a consistent offense. Their defense played well last year especially against the run, so they are an early favorite. Having said that, if the Bears have a healthy dominating defense like in 2006 and the offense can establish their running game, they have a great shot as well. Who knows though – another QB could prove to be worthy and this young team will be pumped to show the league they can still compete without Brett, no matter how big of a loss that is.I know that anyone in our division and probably in the NFC is both happy and sad to see Brett go. Most people I know talk tons of shit about him, yet they respect him nonetheless. He has been amazing to watch over the last 16 years and I was excited to see what he could do next year with the team that went to the NFC Conference Championship last year and lost a very close game with the Giants (who went on to win the Superbowl).

And to the Chicago Bears, if you’re not going to help your own team with free agency and the draft, then Brett just helped you out a little. For at least two games next season.

Three things I like about Green Bay

January 24, 2008

Green Bay Packer Bikini Girls

Or six things. Depending on how you look at it. The story is that Maxim wants to put these three Midwest hotties in their magazine and I’m all for it. Except they did say they wouldn’t shoot naked. They are two sisters and a cousin, but that still turns all you on. Weird fucks. I say get them out of Green Bay (current temp = zero degrees) and to California or even Arizona for Superbowl festivities and I guarantee no one will care that they are in any way related.

This story kind of reminds me of the “Fuck Da Eagles” girl, but she’ll end up having way more class in the end. Girls who have “fuck” on their shirts and pose in Maxim are comparable to kindergarten teachers or librarians here in the Midwest. The three hotties above will be shooting porn with Bubba Franks (insert funny title here) in two or three years, trying to regain some of their 15 seconds of fame, and there Dad will be wearing that same brown jacket, cheering them on.

“You look great, honey! Pride yourself on your dick-taking abilities.” 

Hey look….its the old favre! we missed ya, buddy!

January 21, 2008

Well, I am now 1-9 picking winners against the spread in the 2007-2008 NFL Playoffs. That’s tough to do. I am really on a roll.

Lets break down these bad mamma-jammas from Sunday.

New England 21, San Diego 12–You know, I really have to question LaDainian Tomlinson’s heart right now. If it turns out he has a torn ACL or something, I’ll back off. But all week he’s said he was 90 percent, ready to play, all that stuff. Then he gets to the biggest game of his career, gets two carries and a reception, then goes to the sidelines, wraps himself in a coat, and sits his ass on the bench for 3 hours. Maybe I shouldn’t question LT’s lack of toughness; I’m sure he would have played if able. But maybe it is right to target his leadership. I understand being devastated that you can’t play after believing you would, but why just sit on the bench all day? Why not be up and encouraging your team? I don’t think it would of made a difference in the outcome, but it just looks really bad.

Well, it wasn’t how I thought it would turn out, but the Patriots found a way to win–again. The Chargers definitely had their opportunites–3 possessions inside the New England 10 yard line produce 9 points. (LT would of looked great in the red zone, wouldn’t he?). They intercepted Brady 3 times. But it wasn’t enough. You have to hand it to Laurence Maroney–he could of very easily pouted and been a bitch about not being a big part of the offense during most of the regular season. But he has been a monster down the stretch and in the playoffs and has provided a needed boost while Randy Moss has been mostly focused on and shut out.

So, congratulations to the Patriots for going 18-0…….the first time this has ever been accomplished. I mean, at this point, 17-0 looks fucking worthless. Who cares about 17-0 now? Its a shame, because the 72 Dolphins have really been a class act the last 35 years. They really never wanted the spotlight, and never asked for recognition for beating a bunch of teams who didn’t make the playoffs. I really have missed Mercury Morris the last few weeks. I can only pray that ex-felon douchebag is in the hospital with open sores on his anus from his years of being pounded in the ass by dudes names Rock while serving his term for cocaine possession. “Call me when you’re on my block, and I’ll be there waiting on my bride.” Mercury, sounds like you’re overcompensating for being ‘the bride’ in your past. Open the door, asshat. Tom Brady’s on the other side, and he’s getting his dick sucked by Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen at the same time WHILE waiting for you. You and your team of overrated fossils are done, son! You’re done.

(I don’t like the 72 Dolphins.)

NY Giants 23, Green Bay 20–As a Bears fan, you would think I was ecstatic about the hated Packers losing. I wasn’t. While I was cautious that the hype would be unbearable, I was really looking forward to Brady-Favre in two weeks. It would of been fun.

Unfortunately, two things that have been lingering regarding Green Bay popped up yesterday and they killed the Packers. First of all, Mike McCarthy is not that good of a coach. I found it strange that this guy was considered the coach of the year by many, and probably would have won the award had the Pats not gone 16-0. Meanwhile, he totally blew the first game against the Bears with horrible time management and play calling. The second game of the year for the Packers, against San Diego, featured McCarthy calling a shotgun/5-wide receiver formation on a 4th and goal from the 1 foot line; obviously, I found that curious. But after the regular season and Seattle game were over, I figured those were isolated incidents and McCarthy was really the 2nd best coach in the league this year. But he’s not. The Packers game plan was atrocious yesterday. Ryan Grant got 13 carries. I know he didn’t run well, gaining only 29 yards. But you have to give him a chance to establish himself. He had 6 carries in the second half and overtime. McCarthy panicked and decided it was going to be all-Favre, all the time. And that led to…..

…old Favre. In my preview for the game I wrote that the only the reappearance of Old Favre would beat the Packers. Well, he showed up. And the reason that he showed up was because the Packers never established the run. The first three quarters or so, Favre looked decent. But from the point that he threw that bomb into triple coverage, I knew the Packers were cooked. Later he ran around like a nutcase, throwing across his body and getting intercepted by R.W. McQuarters, only to get the ball back because R-Dub was holding the ball like Britney holds a baby. Through the rest of the game, Brett was taking chances he shouldn’t have and throwing bad passes, including the one which eventually set up the winning score.

Again, big ups to Eli. I wrote about it last week, but I am really happy for Elisha. He will be partying it up this week at the 24th annual ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Haters’ golf and fishing trip. Regular attendees will include other thought-to-be-shitty quarterbacks who made the Super Bowl, including Grossman, Trent Dilfer, Stan Humphries, Chris Chandler, Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins, Tony Eason, Jeff Hostetler, and the trip’s founder, David Woodley.

HHY looks at the conference championship games

January 17, 2008

I’m not keeping track of my record picking games anymore. I was barely under .500 on the regular season, and my goal was to finish .500 or better. And so far picking winners in the postseason, I’m 2-6 or 1-7. I can’t remember. (Because of an unexplained hot streak picking over-unders, I’m not getting totally killed betting during this postseason). So lets just look at the two games this weekend.

San Diego (+14) at New England–We all know my hatred for this San Diego team. Rivers, LT, Merriman, Phillips, Olshansky, Norv……I hate them all, for entirely different reasons. There hasn’t been a bigger collection of douchenozzles since the last hardawayhatesyou family reunion. That being said, Rivers is playing really well, and it seems that Norv–somehow–is making a case for being a good coach. (I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

But I don’t care how wrong I have been about the Chargers during this postseason, there is absolutely no way they beat New England on the road Sunday. Tom Brady’s boys are on a mission, and while San Diego always gives Peyton Manning and the Colts problems, Brady has never had much trouble with the Charger defense. On the other side, San Diego has a chance to score some points if LT is healthy. But this Charger team is just too banged up. Add to the already advantageous position the Pats are in, being more talented and everything–that now the Chargers are talking shit. Igor Olshansky, a word of advice: Shut up. Call Reggie Nelson after the game and talk about how Brady ‘Ain’t all that.’ But don’t anger the best team of all time before their last home game. New England 38, San Diego 17.

NY Giants (+7) at Green Bay–Like I wrote last week, I’m very happy for Eli. He’s my east coast Rex, and I will back him. Except this week. Eli and his kids don’t have a chance in hell in Lambeau. This is Brett’s year.

Breaking this down football-wise, the only way the Giants win this game is if their defensive front gets constant pressure on Favre, like they did on Romo last week. Then, Favre has to have one of his ‘I’m throwing this bad boy up for grabs’ games and he accounts for like 5 turnovers. But that isn’t going to happen. Favre is going to throw those quick little slants to Driver and Jennings to neutralize the Giants’ pass rush. The New York secondary is decimated, so much so that fucking RW McQuarters is getting quality time. Also, Ryan Grant is running well behind one of the two best offensive lines in football. On the other side, the Giants might be able to move the ball a bit, but the Packers defense is better than Dallas’, who held the Giants to 56 yards in the second half last week. The only way the Giants win (or cover) is if Brett has a 2003-2006 Brett Favre game and turns the ball over. But this is 2007 Brett Favre, and he ain’t having that in the NFC Championship game at home. Green Bay 27, NY Giants 13.

Divisional Round Breakdown (Alternative title: I’m a moron)

January 14, 2008

What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.

Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.

Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).

See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:

  • “This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
  • “Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
  • “The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
  • “An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)

And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.

New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.

I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it…..as much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.

Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?

But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.

NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.

Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..

……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.

week 10 recap

November 12, 2007

I am somewhat bitter about this week’s games. Mostly because of fantasy football. I’m in five leagues this year, which is about three too many, even for a fantasy geek like me.

In my most important league, I lost to one of the worst teams because Shane Graham kicked seven fucking field goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–Marvin Lewis has Graham on his fantasy team, and its starting to piss me off.

In my second most important league, I am fighting for a playoff spot and was virtually tied with the best team in the league going into Sunday night. I had Manning and Addai, he had the SD defense. Easy win, right? No, of course not. Of course the douchbag would throw six picks and Darren Sproles would return two kicks for touchdowns in the first fucking ten minutes.

Here are the games:

Green Bay 34, Minnesota 0–I think its time to start seriously considering Brett Favre for NFL MVP. Tom Brady and Randy Moss are getting all the publicity, but look at what Favre is doing with almost no help from the running game: 67.2 completion percentage, 2757 pass yards, 16 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, passer rating of just over 96. Keep in mind this team is one fluke loss to the Bears away from being undefeated. I think I would vote for Favre as MVP at this point. Meanwhile, Purple Jesus hurt his knee. If its serious, expect fire and brimstone to rain down on Wisconsin.

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13–Can we just combine these two teams and call them the Jacksonsee Jagans? They both have shitty quarterbacks, no receivers, a plodding/boring running game, and decent defenses. Both will probably make the playoffs or at least contend until Week 17, and both will do nothing once they make the postseason. Watching the Titans gives me a headache. They’re fucking boring as shit. I’d rather watch the Madden simulation of this game than the actual game.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11–Seriously, does anyone give a shit about the AFC West? Do you realize that if the Raiders had held on yesterday and if Viniateri had hit the field goal at the end of the Chargers-Colts game, Oakland would have been one game out of first? I know thats a combination of ‘ifs’ that didn’t happen, but lord–Oakland’s best offensive player is Justin Fargas. Anyway, the Broncos tie the Chiefs for second place in the division despite getting waxed seven days ago by the fucking Lions. Hooray.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10–The NFL is one pathetic shitbox, I tell ya. This game was 10-2 before Marshawn Lynch scored and then added a two-point conversion to tie it up. A field goal by…..whoever the Bills kicker is won it. Lynch is quietly putting up an outstanding rookie season and is a nearly a lock for AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year. If not for Purple Jesus, Lynch would be getting more publciity. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have a real shot at 0-16. Take a gander at their remaining schedule: at Philadelphia, at Pittsburgh, NY Jets, at Buffalo, Baltimore, at New England, Cincinnati. They should be the underdog in every one of those games, and really only have a decent shot of beating the Jets, Ravens, and maybe Bengals.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29–Look out for the Lou! Somewhere, Nelly weeps in relief while Everyones On Steroids pats him on the back. I’m going to make a bold prediction–by Christmas, the Rams will have at least 5 wins. Shit, they way teams in the NFC West play, they could end up 8-8 and win the fucking division.

Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 28–The Steelers escaped in the game of the day, as ECUM’s adopted team blew a two-minute drill and Phil Dawson came up just short on a 53-yarder which would have tied it. Josh Cribbs cemented himself as the second best return man in football with two sick runs. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is quietly putting up a huge season. He’s having the second best season by a quarterback in the AFC (yes, better than Manning), and was doing so with Santonio Holmes as his number one receiver until last week.

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25–Well, Joe Gibbs is officially senile. Up 22-20 with four minutes left, the Redskins had a third and goal from the Eagle seven. Gibbs decides to run a draw and settle for the field goal, even though his quarterback was having his best game of the season and a touchdown would of cemented the win. The Eagles score two touchdowns in the next two minutes and stay alive–barely–in the NFC playoff picture. Also, this just in–Brian Westbrook is going to step on you en route to eating your brains. What a beast.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13–Wow. How shitty do you have to be to lose to Atlanta at home? The Panthers are now 0-4 at home, and thats good enough to be one game out of the division lead. This league seriously blows. Also, the first time I have Steve Smith, and he suddenly blows asshole. I think it has to do with the fact the Panthers are starting Earl Morral at quarterback, but still. Oh, and there was an Alge Crumpler sighting.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7–Kids, lets look at this. I want all of our readers (yes, all four of you) to think about Brian Billick and his offensive genius here for a minute. He was hired by the Ravens to take over as head coach before the 1999 season. This was after he was offensive coordinator in Minnesota and the Vikings were the most explosive team of the previous year. (Meanwhile, no one mentioned at the time that this explosiveness was 50 percent ‘Throw a jump ball to that Moss kid’). He goes to Baltimore, and within two years, wins a Super Bowl. But he did it because he had arguably the most dominant defense of the past 30 years. Since 2002, the Ravens have continuously sucked offensively, and now have hit their low point: 14 points and 11 turnovers in a 6-day span. They almost got shutout by the Bengals. The Bengals, man. Here are the scores of the Bengals opponents this year: 20, 51, 24, 34, 27, 31, 24, 33, 7. The two low scores, 20 and 7, are both Baltimore. So now–how shitty of a coach is Brian Billick?

Chicago 17, Oakland 6–Watching this game literally got me sick. I had body aches and headaches, and I just wanted it to be over so that I could go on with my Sunday night. Sexy Rexy got back in there and made it real damn sexy, almost too sexy for his own good. Cedric Benson dominated perhaps the worst run defense in all of football to the tune of 2.7 yards per carry. All in all, this was probably the least enjoyable Bears win I’ve ever experienced. Good times.

Dallas 31, NY Giants 20–And the second annual New York Giants’ second half collapse has begun! Yippee! Can we just cancel the rest of the season and have Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC Championship and New England and Indianapolis play for the AFC Championship? Oh, here come the Pittsburgh fans: ‘What about us? We can beat those teams! Wah, wah wah!’ Shut up. I hate you.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21–Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out. In other news, Kurt Warner proved that God loves him more than Jon Kitna, and after the game he celebrated the win by watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’ while drinking the blood of a thousand Jews.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21–You know how shitty of a coach Norv Turner is? His team was at home, playing a HUGE game against a team coming off the biggest game of their season (obvious letdown). His opponent was missing a Hall of Fame receiver, Pro Bowl tight end, and starting left tackle. During the game, his opponent lost their starting right tackle and number one defensive player to injury. The opponent’s signal caller, perhaps the best of all time, threw six fucking interceptions. His team scored 23 points in the first 17 minutes and led 23-0 early. And the only reason Norv didn’t lose is because the best kicker of all time missed a chip shot by an inch. He’s the worst coach in the league, and Joe Gibbs, Brian Billick, Brad Childress, and rest of the shitty coaches fraternity owe him a debt of gratitude for taking the cake, week in and week out.