Archive for the ‘hot chicks’ category

Breaking it Down the Only Way I Know How

March 18, 2008

There are roughly 10 million blogs on these here interwebs; approximately 5 million of those will have some sort of breakdown of the upcoming NCAA tournament. Some will go with a serious, statistically based breakdown of each team, game, or region. Some will take a more comedic approach to their analysis. Some of these might even succeed at making their readers chuckle once or twice.

Me? I’m not that talented of a writer. But I do enjoy looking at beautiful women. So I’ve decided to compare some of the tournament’s favorites to the female celebrity they most resemble.

East Region
North Carolina: pre-pregnancy Jessica Alba–As the number one overall seed, the Tar Heels are the consensus best team in the country. In that same vain, you cannot find a heterosexual male on the planet who doesn’t think that Jessica Alba is smoking hot. However, not that many people are picking UNC to go all the way; hence, not many guys would tell you Jessica Alba is the hottest woman alive.
Tennessee: Christina Aguilera–The Volunteers play a fast, up-tempo, pressurized, “in-your-face” type of game. They are also very athletic and deep. X-Tina’s sluttiness is equally “in-your-face” and she is very athletic. She could also be deep. I don’t know. The Vols are a sexy pick in the brackets, as would Christina be in the hot chick tournament.
Notre Dame: Ashlee Simpson–The Irish have two solid players, but to be honest, when tested on the road and in big games, they have not come through. Ashlee is definitely cute, but she’s not good looking enough or talented enough to be considered in the same league as other women.
Indiana: Lindsay Lohan–With all of the controversy surrounding the Hoosiers and ex-coach Kelvin Sampson, its any wonder they haven’t completely fell apart. However, they are the most talented team in the Big Ten and if they can get their act together, could definitely make some noise in the brackets. Lindsay is out from under her crazy coach mother, and is escaping from the controversy surrounding her to show off her many talents.

Midwest Region
Kansas: Laetitia Casta–The Jayhawks are almost always a top seed in the tournament, and this year is no different, as perhaps Bill Self’s most talented team tries to take him to his first Final Four. Casta has been around forever, and despite being ridiculously hot, no one ever mentions her as one of the hottest women in the world anymore.
GeorgetownKerry Washington–Yeah, thats right…..I picked a black chick for Georgetown. So what? That doesn’t make me a racist.
Wisconsin: Kirsten Dunst–The Badgers are boring but oddly effective. Kirsten Dunst is the most unattractive chick that a lot of guys think is hot in the history of the world. Seriously, I don’t get it……much like I don’t get how the Badgers are a top ten team in the country. (Also, the pic linked here is the only one of KD in the last ten years that can be classified as ‘hot’)
Davidson: Michelle Lombardo–Davidson seems to be the popular sleeper this year, and I agree. I think they have as good a chance as any double-digit seed to make the Sweet 16. Michelle is my new favorite hot chick that no one really knows about. In fact, look for her on Friday.

South Region
Memphis: Kim Kardashian–The Tigers are a great team. They only have one loss all year, and that was to the number one team in the country at that time. They could easily win the title, but they have one major flaw: free throw shooting. Kim K has ridiculous curves, a beautiful face, and seems to have no problem with taping herself having sex. However, she also has one major flaw……she may have been peed on by a third-rate R&B singer.
Texas: Scarlett Johannsen–The Longorns, and Scarlett, are a very solid pick with people in the know. They are playing well right now; she is looking good right now. The Horns have a recent history of hoops success; Scarlett has a recent history of being successful in making me erect.
Stanford: Rachel McAdams–The Cardinal are a few tough breaks away from being the best team in the Pac-10 and a probable number one seed. They are one of the scariest teams in the tournament and will be respected by everyone they play. McAdams is one big forehead away from being the hottest chick to come out of ‘Mean Girls’ and is thought of very highly by hot chick analysts/perverts everywhere.
Pittsburgh: Katherine Heigl–The Panthers are a very trendy pick after winning the Big East tournament, and are definitely capable of winning the region and advancing to the Final Four. However, simply put, they are not that good. Katherine is one of the hottest actresses out there right now, starring in one of the highest-rated shows on network TV and some very popular films of late. But when you really look at her……she’s not that hot.
Kentucky: Ashley Judd–Just because she would want it that way.

West Region
UCLA: Jessica Biel–Everyone agrees that the Bruins are a very good team who should ride its experience and talent all the way through the region and into the Final Four. Those same people agree that Jessica Biel is ridiculously hot and will ride her unreal ass and sick body throughout a fine career.
Duke: Paris Hilton–The Blue Devils are one-dimensional, overrated, get too much publicity, and everyone hates them. Paris is all of these things, except for the one-dimensional part……she’s still looking for a dimension.
Xavier: Diora Baird–Casual fans might say ‘Who?’ or ‘How can a virtual unknown get that high of a seed?’. Those who truly follow the game know how balanced and highly talented Xavier/Diora are.
Purdue: Hayden Panettiere–Very talented, but much too young to make noise in the tournament.

So, there you go. Feel free to come up with your own in the comments.

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The Real Top 20

January 9, 2008

People slave over a hot stove every year to compile preseason top 20s in both college basketball and football. In the end, what do these lists matter? Sure, they help determine the eventual champion, especially in football. (I mean, if you’re not in the top 10 at the beginning of the year in football, you’re not going to win the title. Even if you go 12-0.) But in the grand scheme of things, half the teams ranked in these lists end up sucking. And teams not even thought of as a contender end up killing it and becoming a strong contender.

So lets stop with the top 20s for college sports. Lists are for expressing opinion and allowing blog writers like myself to get a maximum number of hits while shelling out minimal work. Add hot women and pictures to this list? GOLD, JERRY……GOLD.

So, in that vain, I have compiled the Top 20 Hotties of 2008. This list is based solely on my opinion. Also, you have to be relatively relevant; I’m sure some girl you saw while watching a Lifetime movie with your girl is hotter than Jessica Alba….shit, the girl in my office that sits kitty korner from me is ridiculously hot, and if she was famous, might be on this list. Unfortunately, no one knows her name. And there are no pictures of her on the interwebs. Believe me……I checked.

20) Halle Berry–Pregnant, and over 40, but still smoking hot. Anyone without Halle in their top 20 is a racist. There. I said it. It needed to be said.

19) Megan Fox–Let me say that Ms. Fox might be Top-3 worthy if she didn’t have so many stupid ass tattoos.

18) Mayra Veronica–I don’t know what Mayra does. She’s Spanish. Or Brazilian. Or something weird. But my oh my.

 17) Anne Hathaway–She was number 8 on my list in August, and while I’m sure she hasn’t lost any hotness in 5 months, when you expand the list to 20, one notices some girls that need some recognition. So by no fault of her own, Anne drops to 17.

16) Eva Mendes–I like Eva, but this is for my guy who has been begging for love for his number one.

15) Keeley Hazell–There are a ton of UK busty beauties, but Keeley gets the nod because she has a prettier face and a sex tape.

14) Aishwarya Rai–I’ve been aware of Ash (thats what I call her), but I never gave her full props. Yes, props. Its 1996.

13) Sofia Vergara–See the latest ‘Friday Hot Chicks’.

 12) Lindsay Lohan–Oh Lindsay. You keep fighting it. I see you with other guys. Yes, all of them. Settle down already. Or release a sex tape. One of the two.

11) Kim Kardashian–As you can see, I am a fan of those ladies who feel that a bunch of strangers watching them have sex isn’t a big deal. Nice pull Reggie Bush. Enjoy your herpes. Anyhoo…..she’s a slut, but she’s unbelievably hot. I don’t care what you think of me.

10) Gabrielle Union–Am I late to the Gabrielle party? I don’t give a shit.

9) Jessica Alba–Jessica has gone from my number one to somewhere around 3 to number 9 now. The reason? She’s getting too damn skinny. There aren’t many spinners on my list. So, my hope for 2008 is that Jessica’s pregnancy packs on a few permanent pounds on her.

8. Rosario Dawson–Rosario might be a top 3 candidate if she didn’t fuck around with her hair. I swear, sometimes she looks like Chuck Klosterman up in this mother fucker.

7) Roselyn Sanchez–Yes, Neil…..she’s hotter than Eva.

6) Marisa Miller–I mean…..I have no words. At this point in the countdown, if you’re really doubting the top-ten worthiness of a Marisa Miller, I want you to slit your own throat. If you don’t want to die, donate your penis to science or someone who will use it.

5) Christina Aguilera–X-Tina will always be my favorite skank. Sure, she’s respectable, married, and about to pop out a kid. She’ll always be durty to me.

4) Stacy Keibler–Legs. Ass. Blond. If she had a smidgen of talent, she might be president.

3) Jessica Biel–Lately, I’ve noticed that last year’s number two has been looking a little too buff. But the thing about Jessica is, she’s looked smoking hot–undeniably–for about ten years. She was cutesy hot on 7th Heaven–not that I ever saw that show. Then she did that Gear magazine shoot and was REALLY hot in ‘Rules of Attraction’ with Dawson and his creek. And now she look like……this.

2) Diora Baird–They’re real. End of story.

1) Scarlett Johannsen–Did you really wonder who it was going to be? ScarJo has EVERYTHING I love…..nice lips, sexy voice, curves, and what seems to be a bit of a personality. Anyone who says she’s not hot is wrong. No, beauty is not subjective. If you don’t think Scarlett is hot, theres something wrong with you.

 

friday’s hot chick

October 12, 2007

Vida Guerra. And her ass.

  1. The shot that made her famous.
  2. This one is good.
  3. I want her on her hands and knees.
  4. Oh, these are NSFW by the way.
  5. She’s really just Latina, with fake boobs and a huge ass. I guess thats enough.
  6. Thanks you, Jebus.

lets keep it real sexy fellas…..thats my dawgs

October 10, 2007

Esquire magazine named Charlize Theron the sexiest woman alive this month. No offense to Charlize; she’s way hot. And I realize the point of these ‘Sexiest Woman Alive’ things is to spark conversation and sell magazines. And usually I agree with Esquire (last year was Scarlett; the year before was Jessica Biel, I believe).

I have already ran down my top ten, which you can find somewhere on this blog. (If you haven’t read it and want to read it, go look for it, fools). But this entry serves two purposes: to update the site and to give Sarah Shahi the pub she richly deserves.

Is she the hottest chick alive. I don’t know. But I recently was reminded how hot she was, so I wanted to provide some links of Sarah. So here’s a Wednesday sampling of Sarah Shahi:

I could go on all day. Thank you for being so hot, Sarah.

   

PS–Sarah was on the ‘L Word’ show, so if you go to youtube I’m pretty sure you can find video of her in sex scenes with chicks. So you got that going for you. Which is nice.

Friday’s Hot Chick

October 5, 2007

Courtesy of Barstool Sports, a salute to cheerleading.

Lord help me if Sarah Shahi isn’t the hottest piece of ass ever.

She’s number one

September 25, 2007

I can’t think of anything sports-related to write about, so I have decided to post a few pics of ScarJo to fill space.

hot reporter chicks

September 19, 2007

Its time for a new list from the guys at everythings coming up milhouse. We’ve done the overall top ten hot chicks and the ten hottest women in sports. Now we’re going to focus on the attractiveness of the sideline reporters, anchors, journalists and pseudo-journalists. Here we go.

10) Michelle Bonner–Apparently Bonner started work with ESPN two years ago after working for CNN. Its hard to come up with 10 hot anchors and sideline reporters, so Bonner gets the number 10 slot despite this being the only picture we could find of her. She seems pretty decent.

9) Rachel Nichols–Rachel seems dirty. She’s always got a little smirk on her face, like the chick at the party in college who your buddy just nailed the night before but is now looking at you like you’re George Clooney. And lets face it, you’re no George Clooney. Nichols is also a ‘two-face’; sometimes she looks relaly good, sometimes she looks like a gremlin. (Shout out to Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld for the creation of the term ‘two-face’).

8) Suzy Kolber–Suzy is a blog favorite. Just go to the very well-written and hilarious kissmesuzy.blogspot blog. She has proven to handle herself well in the face of a 60 year old drunk trying to make out with her on national television. She’s kind of MILF-ish as well.

7) Beano Cook–Seriously. Look at him. What a beast.

6) Sam Ryan–Now we’re getting into the nitty gritty, the real hotties. Sam Ryan is definitely that. She may not get the pub of other girls on this list, but this ESPN personality is definitely hot.

5) Bonnie Bernstein–Bonnie likes two dicks at once. Look how good she is with kids:

She’s pretty damn hot, and she’s Irish, so that’s sweet.

4) Alex Flanagan–I first noticed Alex doing a bowl game a few years ago. She’ s pretty hot.


No, not the ole’ ball coach. The chick. Click clack.

3) Melissa Stark–Melissa was the reigning champ for a long time, but has since retired to bake cookies or get knocked up or some stupid shit. Its a shame, because the world has plenty of moms; we have hardly any hot blondes with nice racks who talk about football.

Yeah, thats it. Get dressed up for daddy.

2) Pam Oliver–Pam is sexy as hell and it seems, somewhat feisty. Also, it seems she is big through the hips. As anyone who knows me realizes, if a girl has some room to play in the backyard but can remain relatively fit, you’re aces in my book. Pam accomplishes that.

If you do an google search for Pam, there are a few pics of her from behind. Unfortunately, I can only link to one here. She’s fantastic. If you’re not a big butt afficianado (sp?), you might only think she’s decent and not worthy of number two. Thats fine–get your own fuckin blog tho.

1) Erin Andrews–I mean, who did you think it would be? She’s just the tops. And she knows it, too. Yum.