Archive for the ‘Kim kardashian’ category

Friday Hot Chicks: Hot Asses Edition

March 14, 2008

“When I think of asses, a woman’s ass, something comes out of me.”–Vincent Hanna, ‘Heat’

Me too, Vince. Today’s FHC is dedicated to those women around the world with nice, round asses.  And to the ones with cute, little bubble butts. I like ’em all.

**–Mayra Veronica
**–Vida Guerra
**–Kim Kardashian
**–Sophia Castello (NSFW)
**–Kate Hudson
**–Old School Jennifer Lopez
**–Kate Beckinsale
**–Jessica Biel

I’m sure I missed some. I could of put up about 20 more porn stars with nice asses, but I don’t want to attract the wrong element* to this fine, upstanding website.

(*–This refers to the feds; not perverts–those are my people.)

NWMJ Mock Draft Version 1.0

March 12, 2008

I’m bored as shit, and I refuse to talk about March Madness until Monday when there is something to be ‘mad’ about; getting pumped about Syracuse-Villanova on a Wednesday morning seems silly and desperate. I’ll leave that to the four-letter network. I then thought about posting a mid-week hot chick, but then I realized that would ruin the happiness of Friday. I will, however, provide you with a picture of celebrity whore/actual slut Kim Kardashian, who despite her lack of morals (or partly because of them), has the perfect body for HHY’s fantasies.


Now that is out of the way, lets get to the NFL Draft, where every year I wait with bated breath for two to six hours only to watch the Bears either draft some safety from a Division II school or trade out of the first round. But despite this constant abuse, I come back for more. Here is my first mock draft of the season (expect a few more if I feel the need):

1) Miami: Jake Long, T, Michigan–Some people say Matt Ryan is the choice, but I haven’t seen anything out of the guy to make me believe he’s worthy of the top overall pick. The trendy choice here, at least lately, has been Virginia’s Chris Long, but I don’t buy that, either. I think in his first major personnel move with the Fish, Parcells will look to shore up the left tackle position for a decade.
2) St. Louis: Chris Long, DE, Virginia–This move immediately shores up the Rams defense a bit. Also, it may allow the team to either cut Leonard Little or have him whacked. I’d be fine with the latter.
3) Atlanta: Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College–Seems like a very logical move here. The Falcons could start him immediately, or let him sit behind the newly re-signed Joey Harrington for a few weeks.
4) Oakland: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas–If the first three picks fall this way, there is no way the Raiders could fuck this up. Not even Al Davis.
5) Kansas City: Ryan Clady, T, Boise State–All of the Chiefs’ success in the late 90s and early aughts were based on a strong offensive line; recently, the team’s front five has been atrocious. The team begins building the front back up with the second-best tackle in the draft.
6) NY Jets: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU–The Jets will jump all over Dorsey at 6, unless some news comes out that his injury is worse than previously thought. They need defensive line help, and the best d-lineman in the draft could be sitting there.
7) New England: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee St–Cromartie will step right into the vacated slot of Asante Samuel. If the Pats get half the big plays this guy’s cousin Antonio is capable of, they’ll be happy with the selection.
8) Baltimore: Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma–If Ryan is off the board, the Ravens might address their passing game at receiver, where Kelly might be the best player available. Others are saying the Ravens will go with a corner or linebacker here, but I feel they need another playmaker to go with Willis McGahee.
9) Cincinnati: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC–With a couple of good defensive players staring them in the face, I think the Bengals will choose the tackle from Southern Cal who had 8.5 sacks last year and played for four years in the most talent-laden program in the country.
10) New Orleans: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy–McKelvin is a cover corner who can return kicks and will fit right in as a starter for the secondary-challenged Saints.
11) Buffalo: Keith Rivers, LB, USC–The Bills could go with about 6 different positions here, but I’ll go with Rivers as the pick.
12) Denver: Chris Williams, T, Vanderbilt–I’m tempted to have Shanahan take a running back here, mostly because he’s a crazy douchebag. But if I believe everything I read about Williams, he seems like a pretty nice fit for the Broncos and what they want to do up front.
13) Carolina: Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State–The Panthers will be tempted to go with a skill position here, but if Gholston is available, they’ll snag him right up. With Gholston on one side and Julius Peppers on the other, even a concussed Dan Morgan could make plays.
14) Chicago: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois–I was really torn here, like I was making the pick. I realize that no matter who is carrying the ball, the Bears need offensive linemen first and foremost. But I also believe Mendenhall is a feature back who can tote the rock 300-plus times in this league, and those don’t come around every day (see Cedric Benson). The Bears can address the line in rounds 2 through 7.
15) Detroit: Philip Merling, DE, Clemson–Could Matt Millen grab another receiver? Probably not this year, although a certain running back from Oregon could be grabbed here. I’ll go with Merling, however, a guy I had never heard of until last week who seems to be a solid, if not spectacular player. This could be a bit high for him, but this is the Lions. So who knows.
16) Arizona: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon–The Edge (James, not the guy from U2) might not like this pick, but if the Cards make it, Stewart will be getting the bulk of carries by November.
17) Minnesota: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida–With the running game solved on both sides of the ball, the Vikings now try to excel in the passing game on both sides. With the signing of Bernard Berrian, the team finally has a deep threat who can actually catch the ball (I’m looking at you, Williamson). And if they choose Harvey, and he can use that Metrodome turf to his speedy advantage, look out. This could be the steal of the draft.
18) Houston: Jeff Otah, T, Pitt–The Texans need a left tackle and Otah has played mostly right, but at this point passing on a guy like this seems silly. He would be the best player on the board at a position of need.
19) Philadelphia: DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal–The Eagles will get a better player at 19 this year than the Dolphins got at 9 last year. Jackson would instantly provide the team with a playmaker at wide receiver, something they haven’t had since…….Mike Quick? I’m not sure. Maybe Harold Carmichael. Also, this move allows the Eagles to put a potentially deadly return man back on punts, as well.
20) Tampa Bay: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas–This guy really intrigues me. Not just because of his talent, which I’m not sure about, but because some people have him going as high as 6, while others have him not even in the first round. All I know is that he is a big guy with good speed, and the Bucs’ best receiver–Joey Galloway–is 64 years old.
21) Washington: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami–I was tempted to go with Mario Manningham or Kenny Phillips here, but I think Campbell is the safe choice. This pick would provide G-Money and his Skins an edge rusher for the first time since the Dexter Manley days.
22) Dallas: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas–After all the rumors about Silly Double-J trading up to get an Arkansas running back, it will turn out that he will stay put and get one anyway. Jones would be a solid compliment to Marion Barber and a great replacement for Julius Jones.
23) Pittsburgh: Gosder Cherilus, T, Boston College–Gosder Cherilus? Seriously? Playing for the Steelers? Why not. I think the Steelers have to go offensive line, especially after losing Alan Faneca to the Jets. I was thinking about the top guard on the board here, but I figure its more likely they take a tackle who’s stock is on the rise.
24) Tennessee: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas–Which player in the NWMJ mock draft will have the most trouble getting through airport security? Its this guy, who the Titans will select to put the final nail in the Pacman coffin.
25) Seattle: Brandon Albert, G, Virginia–If the Steelers don’t take Albert, the Seahawks should. It would solidify a line which will have Maurice Morris, Julius Jones, and TJ Duckett running behind it next year. You better open up some holes.
26) Jacksonville: Justin King, CB, Penn State–I really have no idea what the Jags are doing this offseason. The trade for Troy Williamson just baffles me. They know he can’t catch, right? And they gave up a 6th rounder for him? Anyway, King will add to an already solid Jacksonville secondary. Also look for a wide receiver here.
27) San Diego: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida–The Chargers might be the most talented team in the league, so they should just take the best player available, which at this point is Jenkins. If he matures, a one-two punch of Antonio Cromartie and Jenkins would be tough.
28) Dallas: Kenny Phillips, S, Miami–Solid pick here. Maybe Phillips can teach Roy Williams how to tackle someone like a professional instead of a 11 year old sissy.
29) San Francisco: Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennessee–The Niners continue to work on their defense with this selection. Mayo could be the best linebacker in the draft.
30) Green Bay: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville–Look at me, throwing a little curve ball in here! I’m not sure if the Packers would want to bring a first round chosen quarterback in the same year Favre retires, but if they do, Brohm could be a solid selection. (Side note: remember a month or so ago, when Matt Ryan, Brohm, and Andre Woodson were all top-10 selections? Now you can’t find the last two guys in any mock draft. Know why? All mock draft makers are morons. Myself included.)
31) NY Giants: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State–In need of a replacement for Kawika Mitchell, the world champs get Andy Katzenmoyer’s more talented twin.

Friday Hot Chick

February 15, 2008

I really didn’t have any idea who I would pick today. I originally thought about Kim Kardashian, but I wasn’t in the mood for a girl who had been peed on while being simultaneously filmed. Maybe next week. So I decided to relent and give the little brother his request: Olivia Munn.

Olivia does some shit for some network I have never watched. She’s pretty hot, I suppose. Apparently she’s described as “funny” and “a guy’s girl.” I’ve always thought a “guy’s girl” is one with tits and/or a decent ass. But what do I know.

Anyway, I started to search for pictures of Olivia, and I found out some things. First, she isn’t that hot. She’s got a girl-next-door thing going on, but she’s no better than a ‘7’. Secondly, when you do a search for Olivia, you have to dig really, really deep for 5-6 decent pictures of her. There are some screen caps of her licking a console, or deep throating a banana, but thats about it.

So, I say ‘fuck you, little brother’. Instead, I go with ex-Guess supermodel and one of the most underrated hot chicks of all time, Kim Smith.

**–Turn around, you.
**–I love the white lingerie.
**–Its like ‘Multiplicity‘.
**–Someone off-camera told a joke.
**–You guys know I was gonna show you the ass.
**–And one to grow on.

The Real Top 20

January 9, 2008

People slave over a hot stove every year to compile preseason top 20s in both college basketball and football. In the end, what do these lists matter? Sure, they help determine the eventual champion, especially in football. (I mean, if you’re not in the top 10 at the beginning of the year in football, you’re not going to win the title. Even if you go 12-0.) But in the grand scheme of things, half the teams ranked in these lists end up sucking. And teams not even thought of as a contender end up killing it and becoming a strong contender.

So lets stop with the top 20s for college sports. Lists are for expressing opinion and allowing blog writers like myself to get a maximum number of hits while shelling out minimal work. Add hot women and pictures to this list? GOLD, JERRY……GOLD.

So, in that vain, I have compiled the Top 20 Hotties of 2008. This list is based solely on my opinion. Also, you have to be relatively relevant; I’m sure some girl you saw while watching a Lifetime movie with your girl is hotter than Jessica Alba….shit, the girl in my office that sits kitty korner from me is ridiculously hot, and if she was famous, might be on this list. Unfortunately, no one knows her name. And there are no pictures of her on the interwebs. Believe me……I checked.

20) Halle Berry–Pregnant, and over 40, but still smoking hot. Anyone without Halle in their top 20 is a racist. There. I said it. It needed to be said.

19) Megan Fox–Let me say that Ms. Fox might be Top-3 worthy if she didn’t have so many stupid ass tattoos.

18) Mayra Veronica–I don’t know what Mayra does. She’s Spanish. Or Brazilian. Or something weird. But my oh my.

 17) Anne Hathaway–She was number 8 on my list in August, and while I’m sure she hasn’t lost any hotness in 5 months, when you expand the list to 20, one notices some girls that need some recognition. So by no fault of her own, Anne drops to 17.

16) Eva Mendes–I like Eva, but this is for my guy who has been begging for love for his number one.

15) Keeley Hazell–There are a ton of UK busty beauties, but Keeley gets the nod because she has a prettier face and a sex tape.

14) Aishwarya Rai–I’ve been aware of Ash (thats what I call her), but I never gave her full props. Yes, props. Its 1996.

13) Sofia Vergara–See the latest ‘Friday Hot Chicks’.

 12) Lindsay Lohan–Oh Lindsay. You keep fighting it. I see you with other guys. Yes, all of them. Settle down already. Or release a sex tape. One of the two.

11) Kim Kardashian–As you can see, I am a fan of those ladies who feel that a bunch of strangers watching them have sex isn’t a big deal. Nice pull Reggie Bush. Enjoy your herpes. Anyhoo…..she’s a slut, but she’s unbelievably hot. I don’t care what you think of me.

10) Gabrielle Union–Am I late to the Gabrielle party? I don’t give a shit.

9) Jessica Alba–Jessica has gone from my number one to somewhere around 3 to number 9 now. The reason? She’s getting too damn skinny. There aren’t many spinners on my list. So, my hope for 2008 is that Jessica’s pregnancy packs on a few permanent pounds on her.

8. Rosario Dawson–Rosario might be a top 3 candidate if she didn’t fuck around with her hair. I swear, sometimes she looks like Chuck Klosterman up in this mother fucker.

7) Roselyn Sanchez–Yes, Neil…..she’s hotter than Eva.

6) Marisa Miller–I mean…..I have no words. At this point in the countdown, if you’re really doubting the top-ten worthiness of a Marisa Miller, I want you to slit your own throat. If you don’t want to die, donate your penis to science or someone who will use it.

5) Christina Aguilera–X-Tina will always be my favorite skank. Sure, she’s respectable, married, and about to pop out a kid. She’ll always be durty to me.

4) Stacy Keibler–Legs. Ass. Blond. If she had a smidgen of talent, she might be president.

3) Jessica Biel–Lately, I’ve noticed that last year’s number two has been looking a little too buff. But the thing about Jessica is, she’s looked smoking hot–undeniably–for about ten years. She was cutesy hot on 7th Heaven–not that I ever saw that show. Then she did that Gear magazine shoot and was REALLY hot in ‘Rules of Attraction’ with Dawson and his creek. And now she look like……this.

2) Diora Baird–They’re real. End of story.

1) Scarlett Johannsen–Did you really wonder who it was going to be? ScarJo has EVERYTHING I love…..nice lips, sexy voice, curves, and what seems to be a bit of a personality. Anyone who says she’s not hot is wrong. No, beauty is not subjective. If you don’t think Scarlett is hot, theres something wrong with you.