Archive for the ‘nfc’ category

“I’m Just Tired”

March 4, 2008

Brett Favre retires

As a Bear’s fan, I should probably be happy to have Brett Favre retire and not have to face him twice a year. But to be completely honest, it was fun to watch him all those years. The Bears/Packers rivalry is one of the best, if not THE best, in the NFL and I’m sitting here wondering if it will be the same. This move has a ton of implications on the NFC Central, if not the NFC altogether. Two years ago, it wouldn’t have made such a difference if he retired. But after the monster season he and the Packers had last year, I’m wondering where everyone now stands in our division.

The Packers were clicking both defensively and offensively last season, and despite early struggles in the running game, Ryan Grant showed up at the end of the season and played some terrific games. But do I think that Aaron Rodgers or Craig Nall can come in and lead this same team the way that Brett did? Not at all. Just look at what you lose:

– Through 16 seasons, he retires with 5,377 career completions in 8,758 attempts for 61,655 yards, 442 touchdowns and 288 interceptions.

– He was a three-time regular season MVP.- He extended his quarterback-record streak of consecutive regular-season starts to 253 games and if you add the playoffs, the streak stands at 275.

– He broke Dan Marino’s career records for most touchdown passes and most yards passing and John Elway’s record for most career victories by a starting quarterback.

To be completely honest, the NFC Central could go a couple ways next year. I had the Packers as my #1 seed in the division, but now we need to look at the Lions, Vikings and Bears. The Vikings just acquired Bernard Berrian to try and balance their offensive attack with Adrian Peterson. The Lions were 6-2 through the first half of the season last year and looked to be an early favorite for the Dvivision title, only to lose 7 out of their last 8. The Bears turned on their defense late last year and proved they could win, even with Kyle Orton behind center, but they really need to shore up their offense in the offseason (which we are all worried they are NOT doing).

If I had to give you my early pick, I really think the Vikings could make a run if they can have a consistent offense. Their defense played well last year especially against the run, so they are an early favorite. Having said that, if the Bears have a healthy dominating defense like in 2006 and the offense can establish their running game, they have a great shot as well. Who knows though – another QB could prove to be worthy and this young team will be pumped to show the league they can still compete without Brett, no matter how big of a loss that is.I know that anyone in our division and probably in the NFC is both happy and sad to see Brett go. Most people I know talk tons of shit about him, yet they respect him nonetheless. He has been amazing to watch over the last 16 years and I was excited to see what he could do next year with the team that went to the NFC Conference Championship last year and lost a very close game with the Giants (who went on to win the Superbowl).

And to the Chicago Bears, if you’re not going to help your own team with free agency and the draft, then Brett just helped you out a little. For at least two games next season.

Show Me What You Got

February 23, 2008

Rex Grossman

Rex Grossman signed a one-year contract to stay with the Bears for the 2008 season and compete with Kyle Orton for the starting position. Both showed glimmers of hope late in the season, with Orton replacing Grossman after his knee injury and leading the Bears to their only back-to-back wins of the season. Grossman passed for 913 yards with 3 TDs, 1 interception and an 80.2 passer rating in his second stint, a vast improvement after throwing for 500 yards with 1 TD, 6 interceptions and a 45.2 rating in the first three games. And it appears that kind of play is what allowed him to get an offer from Lovie Smith, Jerry Angelo, and the Bears.

Let me first say “Bravo” to Mr. Grossman. I really do hope he comes back and produces for the team. I hated him when he played bad and praised him when he played good, but we all know QB’s take the most abuse for when something goes wrong. Just look at all the crap Eli took in N.Y. before winning the Superbowl. I’m sure he’ll continue to get shit on if he doesn’t perform next season, too. But listen up, Rex: Eli DID lead his team to a Superbowl win, so no matter how great 2006 was, you won’t be respected around here unless you lead us back to the big game and win it.

Do I think that will happen in 2008? No. Rex and the QB situation isn’t my biggest area of concern. They have to fix a horrendous O-Line and actually get some production out of a running back before the offense will turn itself around. I made that comment in my post about Moose getting released. No matter what QB they have behind center, or even if they drafted a QB and started him, the line has to give them time and produce holes for the running back. Cedric Benson is not the answer, but you wonder what he could do with an amazing offensive line. I respect Adrian Peterson and he should definitely be for passing plays, but he’s a tandem back at best. And Garrett Wolfe is 5’2″ .

Its that simple, folks. Hester will return the ball for a TD or at least decent field position. A mediocre QB, given time behind the line and even with mediocre receivers, can complete passes, especially in our dump-pass offense. WE NEED TO ESTABLISH THE RUN. I don’t care what anyone’s feelings are about Thomas Jones: when he was here in 2006, he established the running game behind a much better O-Line which gave Rex time to have some monster games early on. I bet if we go back and analyze those later games where Rex imploded, we’ll see he was not given the same amount of time or support from the running game.

Its going to be a tough road to get back to 2006 status, but hey, we always have Devin to wow us. I hope Bradley, Benson/Peterson, and even Rex do, too.

Hey look….its the old favre! we missed ya, buddy!

January 21, 2008

Well, I am now 1-9 picking winners against the spread in the 2007-2008 NFL Playoffs. That’s tough to do. I am really on a roll.

Lets break down these bad mamma-jammas from Sunday.

New England 21, San Diego 12–You know, I really have to question LaDainian Tomlinson’s heart right now. If it turns out he has a torn ACL or something, I’ll back off. But all week he’s said he was 90 percent, ready to play, all that stuff. Then he gets to the biggest game of his career, gets two carries and a reception, then goes to the sidelines, wraps himself in a coat, and sits his ass on the bench for 3 hours. Maybe I shouldn’t question LT’s lack of toughness; I’m sure he would have played if able. But maybe it is right to target his leadership. I understand being devastated that you can’t play after believing you would, but why just sit on the bench all day? Why not be up and encouraging your team? I don’t think it would of made a difference in the outcome, but it just looks really bad.

Well, it wasn’t how I thought it would turn out, but the Patriots found a way to win–again. The Chargers definitely had their opportunites–3 possessions inside the New England 10 yard line produce 9 points. (LT would of looked great in the red zone, wouldn’t he?). They intercepted Brady 3 times. But it wasn’t enough. You have to hand it to Laurence Maroney–he could of very easily pouted and been a bitch about not being a big part of the offense during most of the regular season. But he has been a monster down the stretch and in the playoffs and has provided a needed boost while Randy Moss has been mostly focused on and shut out.

So, congratulations to the Patriots for going 18-0…….the first time this has ever been accomplished. I mean, at this point, 17-0 looks fucking worthless. Who cares about 17-0 now? Its a shame, because the 72 Dolphins have really been a class act the last 35 years. They really never wanted the spotlight, and never asked for recognition for beating a bunch of teams who didn’t make the playoffs. I really have missed Mercury Morris the last few weeks. I can only pray that ex-felon douchebag is in the hospital with open sores on his anus from his years of being pounded in the ass by dudes names Rock while serving his term for cocaine possession. “Call me when you’re on my block, and I’ll be there waiting on my bride.” Mercury, sounds like you’re overcompensating for being ‘the bride’ in your past. Open the door, asshat. Tom Brady’s on the other side, and he’s getting his dick sucked by Bridget Moynahan and Gisele Bundchen at the same time WHILE waiting for you. You and your team of overrated fossils are done, son! You’re done.

(I don’t like the 72 Dolphins.)

NY Giants 23, Green Bay 20–As a Bears fan, you would think I was ecstatic about the hated Packers losing. I wasn’t. While I was cautious that the hype would be unbearable, I was really looking forward to Brady-Favre in two weeks. It would of been fun.

Unfortunately, two things that have been lingering regarding Green Bay popped up yesterday and they killed the Packers. First of all, Mike McCarthy is not that good of a coach. I found it strange that this guy was considered the coach of the year by many, and probably would have won the award had the Pats not gone 16-0. Meanwhile, he totally blew the first game against the Bears with horrible time management and play calling. The second game of the year for the Packers, against San Diego, featured McCarthy calling a shotgun/5-wide receiver formation on a 4th and goal from the 1 foot line; obviously, I found that curious. But after the regular season and Seattle game were over, I figured those were isolated incidents and McCarthy was really the 2nd best coach in the league this year. But he’s not. The Packers game plan was atrocious yesterday. Ryan Grant got 13 carries. I know he didn’t run well, gaining only 29 yards. But you have to give him a chance to establish himself. He had 6 carries in the second half and overtime. McCarthy panicked and decided it was going to be all-Favre, all the time. And that led to…..

…old Favre. In my preview for the game I wrote that the only the reappearance of Old Favre would beat the Packers. Well, he showed up. And the reason that he showed up was because the Packers never established the run. The first three quarters or so, Favre looked decent. But from the point that he threw that bomb into triple coverage, I knew the Packers were cooked. Later he ran around like a nutcase, throwing across his body and getting intercepted by R.W. McQuarters, only to get the ball back because R-Dub was holding the ball like Britney holds a baby. Through the rest of the game, Brett was taking chances he shouldn’t have and throwing bad passes, including the one which eventually set up the winning score.

Again, big ups to Eli. I wrote about it last week, but I am really happy for Elisha. He will be partying it up this week at the 24th annual ‘Go Fuck Yourself, Haters’ golf and fishing trip. Regular attendees will include other thought-to-be-shitty quarterbacks who made the Super Bowl, including Grossman, Trent Dilfer, Stan Humphries, Chris Chandler, Jake Delhomme, Kerry Collins, Tony Eason, Jeff Hostetler, and the trip’s founder, David Woodley.

Divisional Round Breakdown (Alternative title: I’m a moron)

January 14, 2008

What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.

Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.

Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).

See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:

  • “This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
  • “Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
  • “The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
  • “An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)

And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.

New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.

I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it…..as much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.

Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?

But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.

NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.

Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..

……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.

week 15 roundup (and a hot chick for monday)

December 17, 2007

I’m excited to write this week’s roundup. A lot of things to get off my chest. Also, since I forgot to give everyone a Friday hot chick last week, I’ll throw a little something down towards the end of the post for all you Salma Hayek fans. (Also, fuck the Thursday and Saturday games; they were both horrible).

Tennessee 26, Kansas City 17–So, last week I decide that Vince Young sucks and the next week he throws for 191 yards, 2 touchdowns and no picks in the win. I think we can all agree that the Chiefs have packed it in and are preparing for 2008. They’ve been a distracted team all year, mostly because of the argument which is tearing the team apart: who has the hotter wife–Tony Gonzalez (October) or Brodie Croyle (Kelli)? The correct answer is number 88.

Cleveland 8, Buffalo 0–A recurring theme you will find in this week’s post is your esteemed writer bitching about his fantasy football team. I played my semifinal game this week, and although I am currently winning by 7, my opponent has the Minnesota defense tonight. So thats not good. Why am I mentioning that now? Because of the fucking blizzard in Cleveland, which caused Braylon Edwards to only get 4 catches for 64 yards all day. Fuck snow.

Tampa Bay 37, Atlanta 3–How does a franchise go 31 years without returning one kickoff for a touchdown? Not one? Well, Michael Spurlock ended the Bucs’ national nightmare by bringing one to the house. On the other side, it seems Bobby Petrino was doing a hell of a job for Atlanta before leaving this week. I’m sure if he was prowling the sidelines, the Falcons would of lost by less than 30. And if you’re a Falcon fan, kill yourself what else can you ask for?

Carolina 13, Seattle 10–This is the worst loss of the season. By any NFL team. Yes, Seattle is already in the playoffs. I understand they weren’t playing for anything other than the 3 slot in the postseason. But Carolina was playing some of the worst football in the league. They were 1-5 at home coming into this game. The Panthers started some dude named Matt Moore at quarterback. And the Seahawks lost. Also, someone please tell me why Shaun Alexander is getting any carries for the Seahawks? Here are his rush yards the last 7 games: 25, 35, 47, 32, 65, 38, 17. Sunday, he had a 20-yard run and ended up with…….17 yards. So his 6 other carries he had negative 3 yards. Christ.

Jacksonville 29, Pittsburgh 22–Right now, the Jaguars seem like the 5th-best team in the league and the most likely ‘dark horse’ in the AFC. They run the ball well, play good defense, and have a quarterback who minimizes mistakes. The prevailing thought right now is that they have the best chance of derailing the Patriots, outside of a healthy Colts squad. But here’s the thing–this win isn’t as impressive to me. The Steelers do not look very strong the last few weeks. Also, keep in mind that the Jags have always been a team who beats who they are supposed to beat, but once they play the upper-echelon teams, they get spanked. We’ll see in January.

Green Bay 33, St. Louis 14–The Packers jump to 12-2 behind the arm of Brett Favre and strong performance by their defense. Who didn’t play well for the Packers? Ryan Grant. Last week, I called him a God for blowing up in the first week of the fantasy playoffs. This week, I call him a mark-ass trick for rushing for only 55 yards and fumbling against a 3-11 team. Sure, he scored a touchdown, but I expect more from a Ryan Grant. Meanwhile, Marc Bulger set the NFL record for most pass attempts in a game by a NFL quarterback who doesn’t know his own name due to symptoms related to concussion. Way to go, Marc!

Miami 22, Baltimore 16–Well, its official: Brian Billick is the worst coach in the NFL. Seriously. Think about Billick’s career–he’s named an ‘offensive genius’ in Minnesota as offensive coordinator, even though 90 percent of their offense in the mid to late 90s was throwing a screen to Robert Smith, an out to Cris Carter, or a jump ball to Randy Moss. He gets to Baltimore, wins a title with one of the three best defenses of all time, and since then has won maybe one playoff game (I don’t want to do the research to find out exactly how many). Sure, you could say I would be dancing on the Dolphins’ grave if Matt Stover had simply hit a 40-yarder in OT. So this game can’t be Billick’s fault. And you’d be right. But fuck that, I don’t like Brian Billick so I blame this game on him. So there.

New England 20, NY Jets 10–I was really impressed by the Jets. I thought they would play the Pats ‘tough’, that is, hold them to around 40 points. But I never in a million years would have thought that the Jets defense would hold New England’s offense to 6 points (2 field goals; the first TD was scored by the Pats defense…..the second TD was created by a blocked punt which put NE on the NY 2). It still wasn’t enough, and the Patriots are 14-0. Hey Mercury Morris…….are they ‘on your block’ now, you fucking overrated asswipe? Look out yer window, you fucking felon. Thats Tom Brady fucking his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend on a pile of money in your front yard.

New Orleans 31, Arizona 24–2 heartless, heartless teams battle in a place where a bunch of people starved and died about 2 years ago. Is there a more depressing game this week? Probably not. So what better than a nice big ass to make everyone feel better? Thanks Vida.

Indianapolis 21, Oakland 14–A special thank you goes out to Joseph Addai and the Colts offensive coaching staff from my fantasy team and I. Addai has been my number one back all year. I picked him in the 5th slot. I loved him all year. He has produced. Can’t really complain about his season, outside of a few games where he failed to put up 10 points. Going into this week, he looked like perhaps the best running back in fantasy for Week 15. Playing the 30th ranked run defense, and due for a breakout game. Yes, quite a breakout. 15 carries for 44 yards. Wow. Thats just……awesome. If it weren’t for a special person I am going to mention in a few spaces, Tom Moore, Peyton Manning, and Addai would be getting the majority of my wrath this week. But they are spared. Because of…….her. (You will see).

San Diego 51, Detroit 14–Since the Lions are ‘God’s team’, and they have lost 6 in a row, one can only deduce that God has either switched teams or is dead. I don’t think an all-powerful deity can ‘die’, so I’m guessing that God is now a Patriots fan. He’s a frontrunner.

Philadelphia 10, Dallas 6–When all this Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo crap began bubbling up, I made jokes along the lines of ‘She better not ruin my fantasy team!’ or ‘He better stay focused in the fantasy playoffs!’. Hilarious, right? All I needed was a pithy ‘LOL’ at the end of those bad boys. Those are gold, Jerry! Gold!

Then Sunday happened. Why the fuck did that stupid cunt rag have to show up for this game with her creepy-ass father? Also, who the fuck wears their boyfriend’s jersey to the game? I mean, besides a 15-year old attending the JV game at the local high school. How much more of an attention hound can a person be? Jess, if you want attention, go topless in a movie. All anyone wants from you is your tits. Tony, me, your dad…..just your rack. So show them to us, and let us go on with our lives. I’ve always thought Ashlee was hotter anyway. Sure, you’re more traditionally attractive, but you just know that Ashlee would be so grateful for the attention. All it would take is one ‘I’ve always thought you were more talented than your sister’ or ‘I don’t quite get why MTV took ‘The Ashlee Simpson Show’ off the air, and she would absolutely go to town.

In other words, stay at home next time you retarded hillbilly. Or if you must go to the game, wear a nice, reserved top like 99.9 percent of grown women who fuck a player and act like an adult.

Here’s Salma Hayek:

week 13 roundup

December 3, 2007

Before we get to Sunday’s games, I’ll just say one thing: the Thursday Green Bay-Dallas game did nothing for me. Although the Cowboys probably sewed up home field advantage with the win, I’m no less sure of who would win in a playoff game between the two than I was a week ago. If the Packers weren’t starting absolute scrubs in the secondary and playing Aaron Rodgers from the beginning of the second quarter on, who knows how it would have gone.

Oh, and one more thing: to all those BCS-defenders who say that college football is special because every week is like a playoff…….go fuck yourself. Hawaii is undefeated. LSU lost twice. So of course, LSU is in the championship game. (I’m not claiming Hawaii would beat LSU head to head, and I honestly believe that the Tigers are one of the two best teams in the country–but the top 8 or 16 teams deserve a chance to decide it on the field this year, if not every year. This year proved that anyone can truly beat anyone.)

Carolina 31, San Francisco 14–Yeah, I’m starting with the most important game of the day. A lot of things have become apparent during this 2007 NFL season: Adrian Peterson is a beast; the Patriots are pretty good; Brett Favre is still alive; and whenever the Vinny Testaverde-Dante Rosario combination gets hot, the rest of the league better step up their game.

Tennessee 28, Houston 20–These two teams make me angry, and I’m not even a fan of them. If the Titans take the last AFC playoff spot away from the ECUM Browns, and I have to watch their boring asses against Pittsburgh in the Wild Card round, I’m gonna punch my wife in the face. Or beg her for sex instead of watching the game. One of the two. Meanwhile, two weeks ago, the Texans were my new favorite team, a little-talked-about ragtag bunch of studs who could make people nervous down the stretch. Instead, they’ve shit down their legs two weeks running and now Matt Schaub is hurt. Can Sage Rosenfels lead the Texans to an exciting and competitive last month? Absolutely, this is the NFL! No, what a stupid fucking question.

Indianapolis 28, Jacksonville 25–I would of liked to watch this game, except I was pregaming before going to the Bears-Giants tussle. From what I saw on the highlights, the game turned out exactly how 99 percent of us thought: the seven-point spread was way too high, however, the Colts would step up their game at home in an important week. Oh, and the Jags would play tough. After the game, David Garrard–angry that he threw his first interception of the season–dropkicked Fred Taylor’s face with his cleated feet. Just because.

San Diego 24, Kansas City 10–LT went off, the Chiefs are officially dead, and Jared Allen proved to be the best pass-catching defensive end in KC since…….the invention of the forward pass. Seriously, that was a sick catch for a 280-pound defensive end. Also, Philip Rivers continued to show just how overrated he is by going 10-for-21 and 157 yards with a touchdown and interception.

St. Louis 28, Atlanta 16–Instead of playing this game, they should have just had Madden 08 playing on the dome jumbotron. Just play a computer simulation on the big screen, with the score and all the stats counting for real. That would be infinitely more exciting. Imagine Steven Jackson jumping up and down in street clothes as video Steven Jackson broke a 79 yard touchdown run. Deangelo Hall yelling at his teammates after the corner’s video doppleganger gets a pass intereference call. I’m in.

NY Jets 40, Miami 13–Well, this was the game the Dolphins were supposed to win, right? Its not looking good for the ole boys from south Florida. Its a shame, too. I mean, it would really be sad if the Dolphins went winless in the same season that the Patriots went 19-0, thus erasing whatever was left of the 72 Dolphins’ relevance–and replacing the Dolphins’ franchise’s top claim with the league’s worst season. And by ‘sad’, I mean awesomer than winning the lottery while watching your favorite team win the World Series.

Minnesota 42, Detroit 10–Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. I mean…..wow. What can be said? He’s the best. I know LT went for 170 and two scores. But All Day/Purple Jesus just absolutely kills people. The cutback on his first touchdown and the juke in the hole on his second are two of the best moves I’ve seen all season, and he did them both in a span of like 45 minutes. Christ, he might go for 500 yards on 12/17 against the Bears.

Seattle 28, Philadelphia 24–Based on the highlights, it seems as if this was a pretty entertaining game. Both of these teams are pretty cute and fun to watch, like Hayden Panettiere. But in the end, they aren’t going to make any noise…..unlike Hayden Panettiere. ZING! Anyway, Brian Westbrook is a monster, maybe the third best running back in the game (Purple Jesus, LT) but with A.J. Feeley behind center, the Eagles don’t have a chance. Mostly because apparently Feeley has some sort of blindness where he doesn’t see Hawaiian linebackers. Or Fijian. Or something. Where is Lofa Tatupu from? Wherever he’s from, he had three picks.

Buffalo 17, Washington 16–Lot of emotion at FedEx Field (Thats the name of the stadium, right? It should still be RFK), but it wasn’t enough as the Bills pull out the win. I’ve talked about Joe Gibbs’ horrid coaching this season in numerous other weekly roundups, but yesterday it really looked as if the game has passed him by. Not only because of the timeout thing, but because you absolutely have to beat a Marshawn Lynch-less Buffalo team at home in a must-win, even with all of those distractions.

Arizona 27, Cleveland 21–OK, lets make this clear: that play at the end of the game, the Kellen Winslow non-catch……that was a catch. But the officials didn’t want to make that call against the home team at the end of the game. Since his feet landed out of bounds, its really easy to make the incomplete call. But Winslow was jacked in the back by a Cardinals defender–before the ball got there by the way, so that should have been pass interference–and caught the ball, landing about two yards out of bounds. If that second guy didn’t hit Winslow, thats a score. Fuck you refs; you will feel the wrath of ECUM for screwing our adopted team. FEEL THE WRATH.

Oakland 34, Denver 20–The Bears might suck and are definitely not making the playoffs, but at least we know we ruined the Broncos’ season last week. How the fuck do you lose a must win to the Raiders? How do you give up 34 points to Oakland? The Bears and Devin Hester must have made them lose all confidence in themselves. That is the only explanation. Other than the Broncos suck.

Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23–I mean, its the NFC South. Whats the point? Instead, I’m going to write about a question that has been plaguing me for the last few days. Vera Farmiga, the chick in ‘The Departed’…..is she hot? I mean, in ‘The Departed’, she was really pretty, and I’ve seen her in pictures looking stunning. (Yes, ‘stunning’. And no, I’m not a 58-year old fashion designer). In ‘Running Scared’ with the ever-talented Paul Walker, she has a scene at the beginning of the movie that is pretty damn hot. Her ass looks damn good in the thing. But then there are other times when she looks really unattractive. I saw her on Conan wearing what appeared to be a doilie. And sometimes her hair is ridiculous. So I don’t know. Oh, and Earnest Graham is an underrated beast, and I told you so in my ‘How many running backs are better than Cedric Benson’ column from a few months ago.

NY Giants 21, Chicago 16–If nothing else, this Bears season has shown me that the whole team–not just the offense–suffers if the offensive line is bad. I defy you to show me a Super Bowl champion with an offensive line that is worse than ‘better than average.’ And the Bears’ line stopped being ‘better than average’ last year. They have no running game and no protection in the passing game. If major improvements aren’t made to the line in the offseason, this team will continue to hover around 6-10, 7-9, 8-8.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 10–It rained again, and the Steelers beat the Bengals, who have to be the dumbest fucking team in the league. Thats all I gathered from watching this shitfest. That, and the Steelers are going to get pounded by New England next week.

hhy’s week 13 picks

November 29, 2007

I’m just holding on to .500 after a tough 6-10 week.

Season: 83-82-11

Dallas (-6.5) over Green Bay
Kansas City (+3) over San Diego
San Francisco (+3) over Carolina
Miami (-2) over NY Jets
Washington (-5) over Buffalo
Atlanta (+4) over St. Louis
Houston (+3.5) over Tennessee
Philadelphia (-3) over Seattle
Minnesota (-3) over Detroit
Jacksonville (+7) over Indianapolis
Oakland (+3) over Denver
Cleveland (+1) over Arizona
Tampa Bay (+3) over New Orleans
NY Giants (-1) over Chicago
Cincinnati (+8.5) over Pittsburgh
New England (-20) over Baltimore

There might be a couple pushes this week; a lot of 3-5 point spreads.

week 11 roundup

November 19, 2007

I was in Vegas for the weekend and got home in time to catch the afternoon games. So my analysis of the early games is based solely on highlights.

Indianapolis 13, Kansas City 10–Brodie Croyle went 19-of-27 for 169 yards and a touchdown. Peyton Manning went 16-of-32 for 163 yards and an interception. Also, Adam Viniateri missed two more field goals. Cats and dogs are living together. There is a chance there will be either a female or African-American president. Norv Turner won a big game.

Only one of those things are untrue.

Minnesota 29, Oakland 22–With PJ out with a knee, the most exciting offensive player in this game was Chester Taylor. Chester the Molester Running Back went off for 164 and three scores. The second most exciting offensive player in the game? I’m gonna go with Viscanthe Shiancoe, tight end for the Vikes who averaged 47 yards a catch.

Philadelphia 17, Miami 7–So, if I am understanding correctly, McNabb left the game with a sprained ankle down 7-0 to a winless team after throwing 2 picks on 3-of-11 passing. The Eagles then brought in Ty Detmer Koy Detmer Ron Jaworski AJ Feeley, and he completed 66 percent of his passes en route to scoring 17 points and earning the win.

Donovan, go ahead and find a real estate agent in Chicago. Or Miami. Or Carolina. Or San Francisco. Or Minnesota. Jesus, there are a lot of teams who need a good–or decent–quarterback.

Jacksonville 24, San Diego 17–The only thing that matters in this game is that MJD just obliterated Lights Out on a block. I guarantee that 30 seconds after he got in the locker room postgame, Merriman was shooting up a new batch/cycle. He’ll be back to his 17-sack self by January. Unfortunately for him, Norv is his coach this year and that will be too late to do anything for the 2007 season.

Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30–ECUM’s adopted sons got a few nice bounces en route to a big win. I’m not going to talk about the field goal because everyone knows what happened, and its not a controversy–they got the call right. But people better stop kicking to this Joshua Cribbs character; dude had 306 return yards yesterday. In other news, Brian Billick still sucks.

Houston 23, New Orleans 10–Did you guys know that Houston is 5 and 5? I didn’t, and I consider myself a pervert NFL expert. Now, with Matt Schaub (293 yards passing) and Andre Johnson (120 yards receiving) back, this is a team who could definitely cause problems in the AFC. The Texans aren’t going to the playoffs, but their remaining schedule is full of teams who will be fighting for a spot in the postseason (Cleveland, Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Denver, Indy, Jacksonville)–and I wouldn’t want to play Houston in a must-win scenario.

Tampa Bay 31, Atlanta 7–Man, that Thanksgiving Indianapolis-Atlanta matchup on the NFL Network is gonna be a barnburner! Manning–Leftwich! Next, on NFL Network! How does Bobby Petrino continue to not use Jerious Norwood! We’ll find out tonight!

Green Bay 31, Carolina 17–Many thanks to Steve Smith, who waited until I had left for Vegas before putting himself on the injury report and then sitting for this one. Helps a lot. Gracias. Meanwhile, Brett Favre continues his renaissance season by blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, he’s good. Maybe the MVP. We got it. Can we just put these guys in the NFC title game with Dallas already?

Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27–Carson Palmer threw four touchdowns, two to his own team, in the loss. The Bengals had four different receivers with exactly 8 catches. I wonder if that has ever happened before. I also wonder if Scarlett Johannsen swallows and if Bill Simmons knows he’s turned into an insufferable douchebag.

NY Giants 16, Detroit 10–Two weeks ago, the Lions were 6-2 and the toast of the league. In the week 9 roundup, I wrote that people would be jumping off the bandwagon very soon because of the Lions’ impossible late schedule. Since then, they’ve lost two in a row and are facing a game against the 9-1 Packers. By looking at the stats, its looks as if Eli had a great game (28-of-39 with a number of drops, 283, touchdown) and Michael Strahan thought it was 2001 with 3 sacks. Also, Reuben Droughns managed 11 carries for 13 yards. That’s impressive.

NY Jets 19, Pittsburgh 16–And New England has officially clinched the AFC title. Really, the Colts, unless they get really healthy, have no chance to beat the Pats. And now the Steelers apparently have no offensive line. Can the ECUM Browns beat the Patriots? Maybe! No. So who is left? Jacksonville?

St. Louis 13, San Francisco 9–I want you to go home and take a huge crap on a paper plate. Let it sit in your bathroom for about 24 hours with the door closed. I would rather go in that room afterwards and take ten deep breaths than write about this game.

Seattle 30, Chicago 23–Listen, the Bears are bad in EVERY SINGLE FACET OF THE GAME. Overall coaching, offensive playcalling, and defensive scheme (with these safeties) are all bad. The quarterbacking is so bad that we (the fans) are thrilled when our starter has only one turnover. The offensive line is absolutely horrible. Fred Miller had 3 false starts and gave up 3 sacks. The running game, despite a good game yesterday, is one of the worst in the league. The receivers, also despite a good game yesterday, struggle to get open and make plays. The defense, thought to be one of the top five in the league, has given up 20 or more points 5 times. And Seahawk kicker Josh Brown took down Devin Hester on a kick return, and then celebrated like he just knocked out 1988 Mike Tyson. Kill me.

Dallas 28, Washington 23–Romo to TO for a touchdown. Four times. Cowboys win. Fin.

New England 56, Buffalo 10–I’ve said and written versions of this before, but I’m going to say this now, before anyone (besides Pats fans) does: this is the best team of all-time. You’re watching something here, folks. Tune out the douchebag Bostonians and the ESPN/announcing lovefests every week. Just watch this team work. Offensively, they are literally unstoppable. The Colts dominated them for three quarters, and then the Pats just threw it into another gear and won–at their place.

The best teams I’ve ever seen, to this point in my relatively short life, are (in no particluar order): 1985 Bears, 1989 49ers, 1993 Cowboys, 1994 49ers, 1999 Rams. This team, right now, is better than all those teams. Its true, folks. Watch this for the next two months and appreciate it while you can.

week 9 roundup

November 5, 2007

What a week. Lets get right to it.

Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16–When people think back about week 9 of the 2007 NFL season, they’ll think of one man–Warrick Dunn. The Falcons proved just how shitty the Niners are by winning AND covering the spread against everyone’s favorite preseason sleeper. Alex Smith continued on the Tim Couch career path with 139 yards passing and 3 interceptions.

Buffalo 33, Cincinnati 21–Marshawn Lynch is solid, and it don’t get no better than solid. Lynch ran for over 150 yards and a score, and added a touchdown pass to lead the Bills to the win. The Bengals continued to show absolutely no heart on defense, but it will be funny now to see them win thier next four games without Chad Johnson, leading to his eventual off-season trade.

Detroit 44, Denver 7–Count me in the camp of all the people who thought the Lions were a paper champ; they definitely are one of the NFC’s top 5 teams. The only problem with that distinction is that it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t still suck, in the greater scheme of things. At 6-2, Detroit now faces a ridiculous remaining schedule, but only needs to win about half of their remaining 8 to make the playoffs. For the second straight week, the Broncos failed to consistently get the right number of people on the field on defense as Mike Shanahan continues his push for Bill Cowher’s seat on CBS’ NFL Today in 2008.

Tennessee 20, Carolina 7–I could write the same shit every week about the Titans: bad offense, ugly but effective running game, stellar defense, boring win. That being said, I think David Carr is the worst starting quarterback in the NFL. Somewhere in Houston, the Texans’ offensive lineman for the past three years are screaming “SEE, IT WASN’T US! THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG WHO SITS THERE, HOLDING THE BALL TOO LONG!” Carr, who was sacked 7 times yesterday, agrees. ‘I am a douchebag,’ he said in a conference call.

Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22–OK, I admit it: what Favre is doing this year is pretty fucking awesome. He is more accurate this year than he was in the previous three or four, and his receivers are maturing. This, combined with a solid defense, has almost assured the Packers of a playoff spot. I must give some props to Troy Aikman and Joe Buck (begrudgingly), as they didn’t feel the need to stroke Favre throughout the game. When he made a good pass, they called it as such. When he made a mistake, they called it as such. It was refreshing not to hear that Favre’s end of first half interception was the fault of the offensive line who allowed the Chief’s defensive lineman to raise his hand into the passing lane.

Minnesota 35, San Diego 17–Lets see, not much happened in this game. Tavaris Jackson got hurt…..thats huge. LT scored a touchdown; man, he’s a beast. Lets see. What else……
……HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Seriously…..296 yards? 3 touchdowns? 250 yards in the second half?!?! Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus, and we must all go to church before the games next Sunday and bow in the general direction of Palestine, Texas, the birthplace of Purple Jesus. How would you like to be the Chargers’ Antonio Cromarite? He makes an absolutely beautiful play, a 109 yard missed field goal return, a record that will never be broken…..and you’re a damn afterthought. Meanwhile, Norv continues to find a way to do the least possible with one of the five most talented teams in the league.

New Orleans 41, Jacksonville 24–The Saints are back, ready to be exciting and throw a bunch of passes en route to a NFC South division title and a first round playoff loss to the Giants, Lions, or Redskins. I admire the fact that Drew Brees goes from playing absolutely horribly to 445 yards, but does anyone honestly think the Saints are going any further than the first, maybe second round. They have no defense at all. Meanwhile, Jack Del Rio should just quit. Christ, man…..you build your team around running the ball and defense, and against the worst defensive team in the NFC you run for 88 total yards and give up 41 points?

Washington 23, NY Jets 20–Anyone in a pinch for fantasy football running back help should just pick up any free agents who play the Jets for the rest of the year. Man, they suck. Has any coach gone from star of the future to retard in one year like Eric Mangini? 1-8? Christ. On the bright side for the Jets, Kellen Clemens looked decent against a strong defense with absolutely no help from the Jet running game. Imagine where the Jets would be if they had sat Pennington before, you know, the season was done.

Tampa Bay 17, Arizona 10–I’d rather watch a snuff film than write about this piece of shit. Apparently the Bucs had the ball for like 45 minutes and managed 17 points against the fucking Cardinals’ defense. Way to go Gruden. You sure are an offensive mastermind.

Cleveland 33, Seattle 30–ECUM is adopting the Cleveland Browns for the remainder of 2007. HHY’s Bears are 3-5 and have about a 2 percent chance of making the playoffs. EOS’s Rams are 0-8 and…….well……might win a game. So I’m adopting the Browns. They’re exciting, they have a cool and ugly color scheme, they play in front of rabid fans, and although they probably won’t make the playoffs because they are in the AFC, at least they’ll be playing meaningful games down the stretch. Plus, I have Braylon Edwards on my most important fantasy team, and he’s a killer. Meanwhile, Mike Holmgren continues to challenge Mike Shanahan for title of ‘Most Retarded Coach to Have Participated in Super Bowl 32.’

Houston 24, Oakland 17–The Texans ran for 178 yards. The Raiders have one of the worst run defenses in football, if not the worst. Gertrude, take a letter!
Dear Cedric Benson,
If you do not absolutely murder the Raiders next week to the tune of a minimum of 100 yards and a touchdown, I want you to jump in a vat of acid.
Sincerely,
HHY

New England 24, Indianapolis 20–Apparently I underestimated the Colts defense. The front four was able to get a lot of pressure on Brady, and held every receiver but Moss down for most of the game. But when it came down to it, the Patriots made plays when they had to. Thats all I’m going to write, because if you didn’t watch at least part of this game, the chances you’re one of the few people who read this blog is slim.

Dallas 35, Philadelphia 17–The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, the Eagles are done. Tony Romo had a great game, Donovan McNabb did not. Simple as that. Marion Barber continued to run as if when he gets tackled, a gang of herpes-infested zombies will rape his mother. Seriously, he’s like that kid who was bigger than the rest of us that we grew up with who took the pickup game way too seriously. Someone started talking smack to him, then suddenly he’s getting angry and just killing people every time he took the ball. Then kids started going home. Thats what the Eagles defense was yesterday–the kids that go home after getting killed by the big dude.