Archive for the ‘NFL roundup’ category

Divisional Round Breakdown (Alternative title: I’m a moron)

January 14, 2008

What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.

Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.

Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).

See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:

  • “This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
  • “Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
  • “The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
  • “An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)

And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.

New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.

I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it…..as much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.

Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?

But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.

NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.

Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..

……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.

week 15 roundup (and a hot chick for monday)

December 17, 2007

I’m excited to write this week’s roundup. A lot of things to get off my chest. Also, since I forgot to give everyone a Friday hot chick last week, I’ll throw a little something down towards the end of the post for all you Salma Hayek fans. (Also, fuck the Thursday and Saturday games; they were both horrible).

Tennessee 26, Kansas City 17–So, last week I decide that Vince Young sucks and the next week he throws for 191 yards, 2 touchdowns and no picks in the win. I think we can all agree that the Chiefs have packed it in and are preparing for 2008. They’ve been a distracted team all year, mostly because of the argument which is tearing the team apart: who has the hotter wife–Tony Gonzalez (October) or Brodie Croyle (Kelli)? The correct answer is number 88.

Cleveland 8, Buffalo 0–A recurring theme you will find in this week’s post is your esteemed writer bitching about his fantasy football team. I played my semifinal game this week, and although I am currently winning by 7, my opponent has the Minnesota defense tonight. So thats not good. Why am I mentioning that now? Because of the fucking blizzard in Cleveland, which caused Braylon Edwards to only get 4 catches for 64 yards all day. Fuck snow.

Tampa Bay 37, Atlanta 3–How does a franchise go 31 years without returning one kickoff for a touchdown? Not one? Well, Michael Spurlock ended the Bucs’ national nightmare by bringing one to the house. On the other side, it seems Bobby Petrino was doing a hell of a job for Atlanta before leaving this week. I’m sure if he was prowling the sidelines, the Falcons would of lost by less than 30. And if you’re a Falcon fan, kill yourself what else can you ask for?

Carolina 13, Seattle 10–This is the worst loss of the season. By any NFL team. Yes, Seattle is already in the playoffs. I understand they weren’t playing for anything other than the 3 slot in the postseason. But Carolina was playing some of the worst football in the league. They were 1-5 at home coming into this game. The Panthers started some dude named Matt Moore at quarterback. And the Seahawks lost. Also, someone please tell me why Shaun Alexander is getting any carries for the Seahawks? Here are his rush yards the last 7 games: 25, 35, 47, 32, 65, 38, 17. Sunday, he had a 20-yard run and ended up with…….17 yards. So his 6 other carries he had negative 3 yards. Christ.

Jacksonville 29, Pittsburgh 22–Right now, the Jaguars seem like the 5th-best team in the league and the most likely ‘dark horse’ in the AFC. They run the ball well, play good defense, and have a quarterback who minimizes mistakes. The prevailing thought right now is that they have the best chance of derailing the Patriots, outside of a healthy Colts squad. But here’s the thing–this win isn’t as impressive to me. The Steelers do not look very strong the last few weeks. Also, keep in mind that the Jags have always been a team who beats who they are supposed to beat, but once they play the upper-echelon teams, they get spanked. We’ll see in January.

Green Bay 33, St. Louis 14–The Packers jump to 12-2 behind the arm of Brett Favre and strong performance by their defense. Who didn’t play well for the Packers? Ryan Grant. Last week, I called him a God for blowing up in the first week of the fantasy playoffs. This week, I call him a mark-ass trick for rushing for only 55 yards and fumbling against a 3-11 team. Sure, he scored a touchdown, but I expect more from a Ryan Grant. Meanwhile, Marc Bulger set the NFL record for most pass attempts in a game by a NFL quarterback who doesn’t know his own name due to symptoms related to concussion. Way to go, Marc!

Miami 22, Baltimore 16–Well, its official: Brian Billick is the worst coach in the NFL. Seriously. Think about Billick’s career–he’s named an ‘offensive genius’ in Minnesota as offensive coordinator, even though 90 percent of their offense in the mid to late 90s was throwing a screen to Robert Smith, an out to Cris Carter, or a jump ball to Randy Moss. He gets to Baltimore, wins a title with one of the three best defenses of all time, and since then has won maybe one playoff game (I don’t want to do the research to find out exactly how many). Sure, you could say I would be dancing on the Dolphins’ grave if Matt Stover had simply hit a 40-yarder in OT. So this game can’t be Billick’s fault. And you’d be right. But fuck that, I don’t like Brian Billick so I blame this game on him. So there.

New England 20, NY Jets 10–I was really impressed by the Jets. I thought they would play the Pats ‘tough’, that is, hold them to around 40 points. But I never in a million years would have thought that the Jets defense would hold New England’s offense to 6 points (2 field goals; the first TD was scored by the Pats defense…..the second TD was created by a blocked punt which put NE on the NY 2). It still wasn’t enough, and the Patriots are 14-0. Hey Mercury Morris…….are they ‘on your block’ now, you fucking overrated asswipe? Look out yer window, you fucking felon. Thats Tom Brady fucking his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend on a pile of money in your front yard.

New Orleans 31, Arizona 24–2 heartless, heartless teams battle in a place where a bunch of people starved and died about 2 years ago. Is there a more depressing game this week? Probably not. So what better than a nice big ass to make everyone feel better? Thanks Vida.

Indianapolis 21, Oakland 14–A special thank you goes out to Joseph Addai and the Colts offensive coaching staff from my fantasy team and I. Addai has been my number one back all year. I picked him in the 5th slot. I loved him all year. He has produced. Can’t really complain about his season, outside of a few games where he failed to put up 10 points. Going into this week, he looked like perhaps the best running back in fantasy for Week 15. Playing the 30th ranked run defense, and due for a breakout game. Yes, quite a breakout. 15 carries for 44 yards. Wow. Thats just……awesome. If it weren’t for a special person I am going to mention in a few spaces, Tom Moore, Peyton Manning, and Addai would be getting the majority of my wrath this week. But they are spared. Because of…….her. (You will see).

San Diego 51, Detroit 14–Since the Lions are ‘God’s team’, and they have lost 6 in a row, one can only deduce that God has either switched teams or is dead. I don’t think an all-powerful deity can ‘die’, so I’m guessing that God is now a Patriots fan. He’s a frontrunner.

Philadelphia 10, Dallas 6–When all this Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo crap began bubbling up, I made jokes along the lines of ‘She better not ruin my fantasy team!’ or ‘He better stay focused in the fantasy playoffs!’. Hilarious, right? All I needed was a pithy ‘LOL’ at the end of those bad boys. Those are gold, Jerry! Gold!

Then Sunday happened. Why the fuck did that stupid cunt rag have to show up for this game with her creepy-ass father? Also, who the fuck wears their boyfriend’s jersey to the game? I mean, besides a 15-year old attending the JV game at the local high school. How much more of an attention hound can a person be? Jess, if you want attention, go topless in a movie. All anyone wants from you is your tits. Tony, me, your dad…..just your rack. So show them to us, and let us go on with our lives. I’ve always thought Ashlee was hotter anyway. Sure, you’re more traditionally attractive, but you just know that Ashlee would be so grateful for the attention. All it would take is one ‘I’ve always thought you were more talented than your sister’ or ‘I don’t quite get why MTV took ‘The Ashlee Simpson Show’ off the air, and she would absolutely go to town.

In other words, stay at home next time you retarded hillbilly. Or if you must go to the game, wear a nice, reserved top like 99.9 percent of grown women who fuck a player and act like an adult.

Here’s Salma Hayek:

week 14 roundup

December 11, 2007

I’m going to keep it relatively short and sweet this week. I mean, half the games don’t matter. Plus, I’m busy at work for once and I’m not going to spend an hour writing this thing since only about 7 people read it.

Washington 24, Chicago 16–Thank God we are now going to get Neck Beard as the quarterback for the last three games. I mean, when you have a must win against a team who had one practice all week, then knock out their starting quarterback thus ensuring a guy who hasn’t played in 3 years will finish the game, and you still lose by 8……..well, my friend, you suck. Therefore, I want to see Neck Beard. And Garrett Wolfe. And Josh Beekman. All the guys on the practice squad who might have a chance to contribute in 2008. Throw them out there. I don’t care if the Bears lose by 40 the last three games; I want to see what these fools can do. If not now, when? Training camp? Not the same. The 2008 preseason? Fuck that.

Dallas 28, Detroit 27–Read what I wrote in the Week 10 roundup: “Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out.” I rest my case.

Jacksonville 37, Carolina 6–Carolina is the second-worst team in football right now. And if they played Miami straight up on a neutral site, the Panthers are no better than a 2 or 3 point favorite. They straight up suck like Gianna. (Look her up).

NY Giants 16, Philadelphia 13–How does Plaxico Burress even get open at this point? Did you see him running after that one reception? He looked like his foot was caught in a bear trap. Also, I’m not in the camp that Andy Reid MUST quit after this season in order to get his ‘house in order’. That shits fucking dumb. His grown son sold drugs. There isn’t much Andy can do about that. Its not like he gave his 8-year old a gun and the kid shot someone. However, it might be best for the Eagles franchise to just cut Andy and Donovan McNabb loose and rebuild. Find out if Kevin Kolb is the man for the job. Also, poor Brian Westbrook. God, that guy is an absolute beast. Its too bad people are all hung up (rightly so) on Purple Jesus and Tomlinson, because Westbrook is easily in that class of running backs.

San Diego 23, Tennessee 17–I mean, Jeff Fisher must be suicidal this week, right? A 17-3 lead at home in the 4th quarter against Norv, and they blow it? And now they are on the outside of the playoff chase? Oh, and Vince Young is fucking horrible. Holy shit. Do you know this dude has 7 touchdowns and 16 interceptions? Sure, his set of receivers are a fucking abortion, but he’s brutal. Plus, he’s only got 350 rushing yards. He should tell all these motherfuckers that are trying to turn him into a ‘dropback passer’ to go fuck themselves and just run. If Vick could go for 700-1,000 yards rushing every year, you mean Young can’t go for at least 600?

Cincinnati 19, St. Louis 10–I bet the Bengals fans who bought tickets to this game at the beginning of the season were all ‘Aww, man…..what a great game. Two playoff-bound teams, two great offenses, going back and forth. Its gonna be like 45-42! I wouldn’t be suprised if this game gets flexed to Sunday night!’ Then by mid-Ocotober they were looking to sell the seats because they realized it was going to be the worst game of the week in sub-zero weather. I’ve been there, Cincy fans.

Buffalo 38, Miami 17–Can someone tell me why the Bills don’t wear these jerseys all the time? Their other uniforms suck, and these are fucking awesome. Look at the little red buffalo up there! Even Jauron can’t lose when they wear these unis! Meanwhile, the Dolphins are going to be lucky to win a game. Remember when EOS and I had that argument about who was worse, the Rams or the Dolphins? I’M RIGHT AGAIN.

Houston 28, Tampa Bay 14–Sage Rosenfels is unstoppable. Monte Kiffin had no answer. He was trying everything–cover two, cover three, zone blitzes…he even tried Washington’s patented 10-man defense. Nothing worked.

Green Bay 38, Oakland 7–You plan and plan for a fantasy football draft. You go with your time-tested strategy of RB-RB in the first two rounds, and a third RB somewhere in the next two or three. You’re having a good season, and your triumverate of backs are playing well. Then, around Week 9, you pick up a little-known, bottom of the bench guy from the Packers named Ryan Grant. You never start him, but by the end of the season he’s consistently blowing up. Then, before the first week of the playoffs, your number two back is hurt (Marshawn Lynch) and your number three is a bitch (Edgerrin James). You tell Grant, ‘Get in there son. Make me proud, and help me beat the Underdogs.’ And he goes for 22 points, and leads the San Diego Whale Vaginas to a victory. Great story. Compelling and rich. (Just don’t blow it this week against Sexytime).

Seattle 42, Arizona 21–Kurt Warner held to five picks. Good job, Kurt. You fucking Iowan weirdo. You and your fundamentalist wife should just go away now.

Minnesota 27, San Francisco 7Adrian Peterson Chester Taylor cannot be stopped! Purple Jesus Purple Joseph is here to save us from our mundane lives! Not to take anything away from AD or Chester the Molester, but I’m beginning to thing this Vikings line is, whats the word, dominant. Me and EOS could get 80 yards behind these fools. Especially EOS. He’s like the Brian Westbrook of the blog-writing world. Shifty. Like a Michael Turner or Westbrook. I’m more plodding. And slow. Like a Brian Leonard. Or Brad Muster.

Denver 41, Kansas City 7–Whatever.

Cleveland 24, NY Jets 18–Ya know, everyone is talking about how the Patriots are going to absolutely murder the Jets this week. Just run up the score all day. Like its going to be 109-0 or some shit. Lets not forget, the Jets are a professional football team. Yes, they’re 3-10, but its not like New England is playing the Delaware Blue Hens or something. I’m sure with all this talk about a potential record-setting blowout, the Jets are going to lay it on the line. This is their Super Bowl. I expect them to give their best effort, and battle the Pats to a 52-14 loss. I know, I know…..call me crazy. But I think the Jets are going to be really resilient in holding Brady to 6 touchdown passes.

New England 34, Pittsburgh 13–In this space last week, I wrote that the Patriots would smash the Steelers. Then, in my picks, I took Pittsburgh plus a measley 13. The lesson…..I’m a fucking dope.

Indianapolis 44, Baltimore 20–And the Ravens have folded it up. They better beat the Fish this week, though. I really want the Miami franchise to have their undefeated record erased in the same season that their 2007 team goes winless. That would be scrumcious. (I don’t know if I spelled that right, but half you fuckers are illiterate anyway).

One final note…..that Gianna chick I mentioned in the Jacksonville-Carolina game is a porn star, so if you do look her up, those are going to be NFSW. Also, she’s not at all hot, but she does deliver the best onscreen BJ I’ve seen in my porn-watching career. I really should write a blog about porn; you know, my favorite stars, scenes, etc. That wouldn’t be creepy, right?

week 13 roundup

December 3, 2007

Before we get to Sunday’s games, I’ll just say one thing: the Thursday Green Bay-Dallas game did nothing for me. Although the Cowboys probably sewed up home field advantage with the win, I’m no less sure of who would win in a playoff game between the two than I was a week ago. If the Packers weren’t starting absolute scrubs in the secondary and playing Aaron Rodgers from the beginning of the second quarter on, who knows how it would have gone.

Oh, and one more thing: to all those BCS-defenders who say that college football is special because every week is like a playoff…….go fuck yourself. Hawaii is undefeated. LSU lost twice. So of course, LSU is in the championship game. (I’m not claiming Hawaii would beat LSU head to head, and I honestly believe that the Tigers are one of the two best teams in the country–but the top 8 or 16 teams deserve a chance to decide it on the field this year, if not every year. This year proved that anyone can truly beat anyone.)

Carolina 31, San Francisco 14–Yeah, I’m starting with the most important game of the day. A lot of things have become apparent during this 2007 NFL season: Adrian Peterson is a beast; the Patriots are pretty good; Brett Favre is still alive; and whenever the Vinny Testaverde-Dante Rosario combination gets hot, the rest of the league better step up their game.

Tennessee 28, Houston 20–These two teams make me angry, and I’m not even a fan of them. If the Titans take the last AFC playoff spot away from the ECUM Browns, and I have to watch their boring asses against Pittsburgh in the Wild Card round, I’m gonna punch my wife in the face. Or beg her for sex instead of watching the game. One of the two. Meanwhile, two weeks ago, the Texans were my new favorite team, a little-talked-about ragtag bunch of studs who could make people nervous down the stretch. Instead, they’ve shit down their legs two weeks running and now Matt Schaub is hurt. Can Sage Rosenfels lead the Texans to an exciting and competitive last month? Absolutely, this is the NFL! No, what a stupid fucking question.

Indianapolis 28, Jacksonville 25–I would of liked to watch this game, except I was pregaming before going to the Bears-Giants tussle. From what I saw on the highlights, the game turned out exactly how 99 percent of us thought: the seven-point spread was way too high, however, the Colts would step up their game at home in an important week. Oh, and the Jags would play tough. After the game, David Garrard–angry that he threw his first interception of the season–dropkicked Fred Taylor’s face with his cleated feet. Just because.

San Diego 24, Kansas City 10–LT went off, the Chiefs are officially dead, and Jared Allen proved to be the best pass-catching defensive end in KC since…….the invention of the forward pass. Seriously, that was a sick catch for a 280-pound defensive end. Also, Philip Rivers continued to show just how overrated he is by going 10-for-21 and 157 yards with a touchdown and interception.

St. Louis 28, Atlanta 16–Instead of playing this game, they should have just had Madden 08 playing on the dome jumbotron. Just play a computer simulation on the big screen, with the score and all the stats counting for real. That would be infinitely more exciting. Imagine Steven Jackson jumping up and down in street clothes as video Steven Jackson broke a 79 yard touchdown run. Deangelo Hall yelling at his teammates after the corner’s video doppleganger gets a pass intereference call. I’m in.

NY Jets 40, Miami 13–Well, this was the game the Dolphins were supposed to win, right? Its not looking good for the ole boys from south Florida. Its a shame, too. I mean, it would really be sad if the Dolphins went winless in the same season that the Patriots went 19-0, thus erasing whatever was left of the 72 Dolphins’ relevance–and replacing the Dolphins’ franchise’s top claim with the league’s worst season. And by ‘sad’, I mean awesomer than winning the lottery while watching your favorite team win the World Series.

Minnesota 42, Detroit 10–Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. I mean…..wow. What can be said? He’s the best. I know LT went for 170 and two scores. But All Day/Purple Jesus just absolutely kills people. The cutback on his first touchdown and the juke in the hole on his second are two of the best moves I’ve seen all season, and he did them both in a span of like 45 minutes. Christ, he might go for 500 yards on 12/17 against the Bears.

Seattle 28, Philadelphia 24–Based on the highlights, it seems as if this was a pretty entertaining game. Both of these teams are pretty cute and fun to watch, like Hayden Panettiere. But in the end, they aren’t going to make any noise…..unlike Hayden Panettiere. ZING! Anyway, Brian Westbrook is a monster, maybe the third best running back in the game (Purple Jesus, LT) but with A.J. Feeley behind center, the Eagles don’t have a chance. Mostly because apparently Feeley has some sort of blindness where he doesn’t see Hawaiian linebackers. Or Fijian. Or something. Where is Lofa Tatupu from? Wherever he’s from, he had three picks.

Buffalo 17, Washington 16–Lot of emotion at FedEx Field (Thats the name of the stadium, right? It should still be RFK), but it wasn’t enough as the Bills pull out the win. I’ve talked about Joe Gibbs’ horrid coaching this season in numerous other weekly roundups, but yesterday it really looked as if the game has passed him by. Not only because of the timeout thing, but because you absolutely have to beat a Marshawn Lynch-less Buffalo team at home in a must-win, even with all of those distractions.

Arizona 27, Cleveland 21–OK, lets make this clear: that play at the end of the game, the Kellen Winslow non-catch……that was a catch. But the officials didn’t want to make that call against the home team at the end of the game. Since his feet landed out of bounds, its really easy to make the incomplete call. But Winslow was jacked in the back by a Cardinals defender–before the ball got there by the way, so that should have been pass interference–and caught the ball, landing about two yards out of bounds. If that second guy didn’t hit Winslow, thats a score. Fuck you refs; you will feel the wrath of ECUM for screwing our adopted team. FEEL THE WRATH.

Oakland 34, Denver 20–The Bears might suck and are definitely not making the playoffs, but at least we know we ruined the Broncos’ season last week. How the fuck do you lose a must win to the Raiders? How do you give up 34 points to Oakland? The Bears and Devin Hester must have made them lose all confidence in themselves. That is the only explanation. Other than the Broncos suck.

Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23–I mean, its the NFC South. Whats the point? Instead, I’m going to write about a question that has been plaguing me for the last few days. Vera Farmiga, the chick in ‘The Departed’…..is she hot? I mean, in ‘The Departed’, she was really pretty, and I’ve seen her in pictures looking stunning. (Yes, ‘stunning’. And no, I’m not a 58-year old fashion designer). In ‘Running Scared’ with the ever-talented Paul Walker, she has a scene at the beginning of the movie that is pretty damn hot. Her ass looks damn good in the thing. But then there are other times when she looks really unattractive. I saw her on Conan wearing what appeared to be a doilie. And sometimes her hair is ridiculous. So I don’t know. Oh, and Earnest Graham is an underrated beast, and I told you so in my ‘How many running backs are better than Cedric Benson’ column from a few months ago.

NY Giants 21, Chicago 16–If nothing else, this Bears season has shown me that the whole team–not just the offense–suffers if the offensive line is bad. I defy you to show me a Super Bowl champion with an offensive line that is worse than ‘better than average.’ And the Bears’ line stopped being ‘better than average’ last year. They have no running game and no protection in the passing game. If major improvements aren’t made to the line in the offseason, this team will continue to hover around 6-10, 7-9, 8-8.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 10–It rained again, and the Steelers beat the Bengals, who have to be the dumbest fucking team in the league. Thats all I gathered from watching this shitfest. That, and the Steelers are going to get pounded by New England next week.

week 11 roundup

November 19, 2007

I was in Vegas for the weekend and got home in time to catch the afternoon games. So my analysis of the early games is based solely on highlights.

Indianapolis 13, Kansas City 10–Brodie Croyle went 19-of-27 for 169 yards and a touchdown. Peyton Manning went 16-of-32 for 163 yards and an interception. Also, Adam Viniateri missed two more field goals. Cats and dogs are living together. There is a chance there will be either a female or African-American president. Norv Turner won a big game.

Only one of those things are untrue.

Minnesota 29, Oakland 22–With PJ out with a knee, the most exciting offensive player in this game was Chester Taylor. Chester the Molester Running Back went off for 164 and three scores. The second most exciting offensive player in the game? I’m gonna go with Viscanthe Shiancoe, tight end for the Vikes who averaged 47 yards a catch.

Philadelphia 17, Miami 7–So, if I am understanding correctly, McNabb left the game with a sprained ankle down 7-0 to a winless team after throwing 2 picks on 3-of-11 passing. The Eagles then brought in Ty Detmer Koy Detmer Ron Jaworski AJ Feeley, and he completed 66 percent of his passes en route to scoring 17 points and earning the win.

Donovan, go ahead and find a real estate agent in Chicago. Or Miami. Or Carolina. Or San Francisco. Or Minnesota. Jesus, there are a lot of teams who need a good–or decent–quarterback.

Jacksonville 24, San Diego 17–The only thing that matters in this game is that MJD just obliterated Lights Out on a block. I guarantee that 30 seconds after he got in the locker room postgame, Merriman was shooting up a new batch/cycle. He’ll be back to his 17-sack self by January. Unfortunately for him, Norv is his coach this year and that will be too late to do anything for the 2007 season.

Cleveland 33, Baltimore 30–ECUM’s adopted sons got a few nice bounces en route to a big win. I’m not going to talk about the field goal because everyone knows what happened, and its not a controversy–they got the call right. But people better stop kicking to this Joshua Cribbs character; dude had 306 return yards yesterday. In other news, Brian Billick still sucks.

Houston 23, New Orleans 10–Did you guys know that Houston is 5 and 5? I didn’t, and I consider myself a pervert NFL expert. Now, with Matt Schaub (293 yards passing) and Andre Johnson (120 yards receiving) back, this is a team who could definitely cause problems in the AFC. The Texans aren’t going to the playoffs, but their remaining schedule is full of teams who will be fighting for a spot in the postseason (Cleveland, Tennessee, Tampa Bay, Denver, Indy, Jacksonville)–and I wouldn’t want to play Houston in a must-win scenario.

Tampa Bay 31, Atlanta 7–Man, that Thanksgiving Indianapolis-Atlanta matchup on the NFL Network is gonna be a barnburner! Manning–Leftwich! Next, on NFL Network! How does Bobby Petrino continue to not use Jerious Norwood! We’ll find out tonight!

Green Bay 31, Carolina 17–Many thanks to Steve Smith, who waited until I had left for Vegas before putting himself on the injury report and then sitting for this one. Helps a lot. Gracias. Meanwhile, Brett Favre continues his renaissance season by blah blah blah blah blah. Yeah, he’s good. Maybe the MVP. We got it. Can we just put these guys in the NFC title game with Dallas already?

Arizona 35, Cincinnati 27–Carson Palmer threw four touchdowns, two to his own team, in the loss. The Bengals had four different receivers with exactly 8 catches. I wonder if that has ever happened before. I also wonder if Scarlett Johannsen swallows and if Bill Simmons knows he’s turned into an insufferable douchebag.

NY Giants 16, Detroit 10–Two weeks ago, the Lions were 6-2 and the toast of the league. In the week 9 roundup, I wrote that people would be jumping off the bandwagon very soon because of the Lions’ impossible late schedule. Since then, they’ve lost two in a row and are facing a game against the 9-1 Packers. By looking at the stats, its looks as if Eli had a great game (28-of-39 with a number of drops, 283, touchdown) and Michael Strahan thought it was 2001 with 3 sacks. Also, Reuben Droughns managed 11 carries for 13 yards. That’s impressive.

NY Jets 19, Pittsburgh 16–And New England has officially clinched the AFC title. Really, the Colts, unless they get really healthy, have no chance to beat the Pats. And now the Steelers apparently have no offensive line. Can the ECUM Browns beat the Patriots? Maybe! No. So who is left? Jacksonville?

St. Louis 13, San Francisco 9–I want you to go home and take a huge crap on a paper plate. Let it sit in your bathroom for about 24 hours with the door closed. I would rather go in that room afterwards and take ten deep breaths than write about this game.

Seattle 30, Chicago 23–Listen, the Bears are bad in EVERY SINGLE FACET OF THE GAME. Overall coaching, offensive playcalling, and defensive scheme (with these safeties) are all bad. The quarterbacking is so bad that we (the fans) are thrilled when our starter has only one turnover. The offensive line is absolutely horrible. Fred Miller had 3 false starts and gave up 3 sacks. The running game, despite a good game yesterday, is one of the worst in the league. The receivers, also despite a good game yesterday, struggle to get open and make plays. The defense, thought to be one of the top five in the league, has given up 20 or more points 5 times. And Seahawk kicker Josh Brown took down Devin Hester on a kick return, and then celebrated like he just knocked out 1988 Mike Tyson. Kill me.

Dallas 28, Washington 23–Romo to TO for a touchdown. Four times. Cowboys win. Fin.

New England 56, Buffalo 10–I’ve said and written versions of this before, but I’m going to say this now, before anyone (besides Pats fans) does: this is the best team of all-time. You’re watching something here, folks. Tune out the douchebag Bostonians and the ESPN/announcing lovefests every week. Just watch this team work. Offensively, they are literally unstoppable. The Colts dominated them for three quarters, and then the Pats just threw it into another gear and won–at their place.

The best teams I’ve ever seen, to this point in my relatively short life, are (in no particluar order): 1985 Bears, 1989 49ers, 1993 Cowboys, 1994 49ers, 1999 Rams. This team, right now, is better than all those teams. Its true, folks. Watch this for the next two months and appreciate it while you can.

week 10 recap

November 12, 2007

I am somewhat bitter about this week’s games. Mostly because of fantasy football. I’m in five leagues this year, which is about three too many, even for a fantasy geek like me.

In my most important league, I lost to one of the worst teams because Shane Graham kicked seven fucking field goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–Marvin Lewis has Graham on his fantasy team, and its starting to piss me off.

In my second most important league, I am fighting for a playoff spot and was virtually tied with the best team in the league going into Sunday night. I had Manning and Addai, he had the SD defense. Easy win, right? No, of course not. Of course the douchbag would throw six picks and Darren Sproles would return two kicks for touchdowns in the first fucking ten minutes.

Here are the games:

Green Bay 34, Minnesota 0–I think its time to start seriously considering Brett Favre for NFL MVP. Tom Brady and Randy Moss are getting all the publicity, but look at what Favre is doing with almost no help from the running game: 67.2 completion percentage, 2757 pass yards, 16 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, passer rating of just over 96. Keep in mind this team is one fluke loss to the Bears away from being undefeated. I think I would vote for Favre as MVP at this point. Meanwhile, Purple Jesus hurt his knee. If its serious, expect fire and brimstone to rain down on Wisconsin.

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13–Can we just combine these two teams and call them the Jacksonsee Jagans? They both have shitty quarterbacks, no receivers, a plodding/boring running game, and decent defenses. Both will probably make the playoffs or at least contend until Week 17, and both will do nothing once they make the postseason. Watching the Titans gives me a headache. They’re fucking boring as shit. I’d rather watch the Madden simulation of this game than the actual game.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11–Seriously, does anyone give a shit about the AFC West? Do you realize that if the Raiders had held on yesterday and if Viniateri had hit the field goal at the end of the Chargers-Colts game, Oakland would have been one game out of first? I know thats a combination of ‘ifs’ that didn’t happen, but lord–Oakland’s best offensive player is Justin Fargas. Anyway, the Broncos tie the Chiefs for second place in the division despite getting waxed seven days ago by the fucking Lions. Hooray.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10–The NFL is one pathetic shitbox, I tell ya. This game was 10-2 before Marshawn Lynch scored and then added a two-point conversion to tie it up. A field goal by…..whoever the Bills kicker is won it. Lynch is quietly putting up an outstanding rookie season and is a nearly a lock for AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year. If not for Purple Jesus, Lynch would be getting more publciity. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have a real shot at 0-16. Take a gander at their remaining schedule: at Philadelphia, at Pittsburgh, NY Jets, at Buffalo, Baltimore, at New England, Cincinnati. They should be the underdog in every one of those games, and really only have a decent shot of beating the Jets, Ravens, and maybe Bengals.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29–Look out for the Lou! Somewhere, Nelly weeps in relief while Everyones On Steroids pats him on the back. I’m going to make a bold prediction–by Christmas, the Rams will have at least 5 wins. Shit, they way teams in the NFC West play, they could end up 8-8 and win the fucking division.

Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 28–The Steelers escaped in the game of the day, as ECUM’s adopted team blew a two-minute drill and Phil Dawson came up just short on a 53-yarder which would have tied it. Josh Cribbs cemented himself as the second best return man in football with two sick runs. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is quietly putting up a huge season. He’s having the second best season by a quarterback in the AFC (yes, better than Manning), and was doing so with Santonio Holmes as his number one receiver until last week.

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25–Well, Joe Gibbs is officially senile. Up 22-20 with four minutes left, the Redskins had a third and goal from the Eagle seven. Gibbs decides to run a draw and settle for the field goal, even though his quarterback was having his best game of the season and a touchdown would of cemented the win. The Eagles score two touchdowns in the next two minutes and stay alive–barely–in the NFC playoff picture. Also, this just in–Brian Westbrook is going to step on you en route to eating your brains. What a beast.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13–Wow. How shitty do you have to be to lose to Atlanta at home? The Panthers are now 0-4 at home, and thats good enough to be one game out of the division lead. This league seriously blows. Also, the first time I have Steve Smith, and he suddenly blows asshole. I think it has to do with the fact the Panthers are starting Earl Morral at quarterback, but still. Oh, and there was an Alge Crumpler sighting.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7–Kids, lets look at this. I want all of our readers (yes, all four of you) to think about Brian Billick and his offensive genius here for a minute. He was hired by the Ravens to take over as head coach before the 1999 season. This was after he was offensive coordinator in Minnesota and the Vikings were the most explosive team of the previous year. (Meanwhile, no one mentioned at the time that this explosiveness was 50 percent ‘Throw a jump ball to that Moss kid’). He goes to Baltimore, and within two years, wins a Super Bowl. But he did it because he had arguably the most dominant defense of the past 30 years. Since 2002, the Ravens have continuously sucked offensively, and now have hit their low point: 14 points and 11 turnovers in a 6-day span. They almost got shutout by the Bengals. The Bengals, man. Here are the scores of the Bengals opponents this year: 20, 51, 24, 34, 27, 31, 24, 33, 7. The two low scores, 20 and 7, are both Baltimore. So now–how shitty of a coach is Brian Billick?

Chicago 17, Oakland 6–Watching this game literally got me sick. I had body aches and headaches, and I just wanted it to be over so that I could go on with my Sunday night. Sexy Rexy got back in there and made it real damn sexy, almost too sexy for his own good. Cedric Benson dominated perhaps the worst run defense in all of football to the tune of 2.7 yards per carry. All in all, this was probably the least enjoyable Bears win I’ve ever experienced. Good times.

Dallas 31, NY Giants 20–And the second annual New York Giants’ second half collapse has begun! Yippee! Can we just cancel the rest of the season and have Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC Championship and New England and Indianapolis play for the AFC Championship? Oh, here come the Pittsburgh fans: ‘What about us? We can beat those teams! Wah, wah wah!’ Shut up. I hate you.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21–Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out. In other news, Kurt Warner proved that God loves him more than Jon Kitna, and after the game he celebrated the win by watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’ while drinking the blood of a thousand Jews.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21–You know how shitty of a coach Norv Turner is? His team was at home, playing a HUGE game against a team coming off the biggest game of their season (obvious letdown). His opponent was missing a Hall of Fame receiver, Pro Bowl tight end, and starting left tackle. During the game, his opponent lost their starting right tackle and number one defensive player to injury. The opponent’s signal caller, perhaps the best of all time, threw six fucking interceptions. His team scored 23 points in the first 17 minutes and led 23-0 early. And the only reason Norv didn’t lose is because the best kicker of all time missed a chip shot by an inch. He’s the worst coach in the league, and Joe Gibbs, Brian Billick, Brad Childress, and rest of the shitty coaches fraternity owe him a debt of gratitude for taking the cake, week in and week out.