Archive for the ‘Norv’ category

HHY WILD card round picks

January 3, 2008

Season: 120-125-11

Seattle (-4) vs. Washington: I really hate this game. Part of me wants to take Seattle because they are so tough at home, they’re rested, and there is no way I should bet on Todd Collins on the road in the postseason. On the other hand, the Redskins might be the hottest team in the NFL and have the whole Sean Taylor thing going on. In the end, I’ll take the cowards way out: choose Seattle to win the game but not cover the spread. I think Hassellbeck will do just enough to win this game despite having no help from the running game. Seattle 20, Washington 17.

Jacksonville (Pk) vs. Pittsburgh: It scares me that everyone is so sure of next week’s great New England-Jacksonville matchup. I know the Jags are one of the best teams in the league and are “made for January football”, but this is still the Steelers at home in the postseason. The injury to Willie Parker is not quite as huge in this game, I think, because the Jags stop the run really well and the Steelers would have used the pass anyway. Big Ben is having a terrific year, and I think he leads the Steelers to a rare surprising home win. Pittsburgh 24, Jacksonville 20.

Tampa Bay (-2.5) vs. NY Giants: I was really close to taking the Giants here. Eli looked awesome last week and always plays better on the road. Plaxico is running as well as he did in Week 1. Brandon Jacobs is strong. The Giants’ pass rush is fantastic. But Jon Gruden has been resting his regulars and preparing for the Giants for three weeks. Gruden against Tom Coughlin? Please. I also love Jeff Garcia and Earnest Graham. Finally, I think this may be the first time in NFL history that a team has a letdown for its first playoff game after a Week 17 battle. Tampa Bay 27, NY Giants 13.

San Diego (-9.5) vs Tennessee: This game makes me nauseus. If you have read my NFL reviews of each week, you know my disdain for the Titans. They are so fucking boring its ridiculous. But, I do get to watch LT here. As much as I hate to watch the Titans, I love Jeff Fisher and I think they are a great bet this week. The Titans are strong against the run, and if they can shut down LT and make Philip Rivers beat them, they have a chance to pull a huge upset. Plus, the Chargers are coached by Norv. However, I think this will be that late Sunday game that makes you sleepy, with very low scoring and some bad, bad quarterback play. San Diego 16, Tennessee 13.

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Purple Jesus, Dreamboat, and the rest of week 6

October 15, 2007

Minnesota 34, Chicago 31–Best performance by an opposing player I’ve ever seen. Purple Jesus went off. 224 yards rushing and 3 scores, and he added a 55 yard kick return to set up Ryan Longwell’s game winning 55 yard field goal at the gun. The time when us Bears fans could rely on the defense to make plays and keep us in games no matter what is over, and the tackling of the secondary–especially Daneal Manning and Brandon McGowan–was absolutely dreadful for the second straight week. On the bright side, Devin Hester continued his dominance with an 89-yard punt return and a 81-yard touchdown reception with just over two minutes left. There have been better Bears, but Hester is by far the most exciting player to wear the uniform in my lifetime. People talk about the great Gale Sayers, and while Sayers was a better overall football player, I can’t imagine that he’s more exciting that Hester.

Cleveland 41, Miami 31–Derek Anderson is the truth, son! This situation reminds me of the Bengals a few years ago. Remember, they drafted Carson Palmer but decided to let Jon Kitna start that first year? And Kitna responded with a huge season? Well, Anderson is Jon Kitna and Brady Quinn is Carson Palmer. Anyway, the Browns seem to really have something on the offensive side of the ball, with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow becoming Pro Bowl-level targets in the passing game. For the Fish, Cleo Lemon threw for 256 yards and 2 scores but it wasn’t enough as Miami fell to 0-6.

Green Bay 17, Washington 14–So I click on ESPN.com to read the box score for this game, and the Web site provides a link with one line which summarizes the game. For example, the Bears-Vikings game was something along the lines of ‘Peterson explodes as Vikings upset Bears.’ Well, the link for this game is ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ So what did Brett Favre do, you ask? 19-for-37, 188 yards, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions. The winning touchdown was scored by the Packer defense, a 57 yard fumble return by Charles Woodson. This is a perfect example of why non-Packer fans are fucking sick of the Favre love. He played a shitty game, the defense made a huge play to win an important game, and the media lazily puts up ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ Give me a fucking break.

Kansas City 27, Cincinnati 20–Apparently the Cheifs aren’t that shitty. Either that, or the Bengals are really bad. It could be both. The 2007 Heartless Pig Award might go to the Bengals defense, which week after week gets torched. Larry Johnson, previously left for dead after 5 horrid weeks, had 119 yards and a score and ensured that his fantasy owners will now keep him in the lineup for the rest of the year, thinking he is back. Marvin Lewis should go ahead and sell his home and scour for defensive coordinator positions, cuz this ship has sailed.

Philadelphia 16, NY Jets 9–Hey, Mangenious…..any time you want to get Chad Pennington the fuck out of there, Jets fans will appreciate it. The New Yorkers got 130 yards from Thomas Jones and still couldn’t score a touchdown. Meanwhile, Kevin Curtis and Wes Welker are battling for the title of Best White Receiver of the Year. Previous winners include Steve Largent, Don Beebe, and Tom Waddle.

Tampa Bay 13, Tennessee 10–I’ll tell you kids something–look at Jeff Garcia’s numbers for this season. 1188 yards passing with a 66.7 completion percentage. % touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 103.6 passer rating. Tony Romo is getting all the publicity, but Garcia is the best quarterback in the NFC right now. He might not be a fantasy superstar, but he’s getting the job done very effectively for a team which will probably win its division. If you’re Dallas or Green Bay, do you want to play the Bucs in the divisional round of the playoffs, with Garcia running around like a jackass, throwing off balance and that defense playing like it is? I wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the Titans truly suck, and if Vince Young is ever injured seriously, they’ll lose about 75 percent of their games.

Jacksonville 37, Houston 17–Wasn’t it cool at the beginning of the year, when the Texans were 2-0 and everyone was talking about them being the sleeper of 2007? Yeah, not so much. The Texans can’t stop the run, and when you’re playing Jacksonville, that’s not good. 244 yards rushing, not good. David Garrard is doing in the AFC what Jeff Garcia is in the NFC: quietly putting together a stellar, if unspectacular, season. 1069 yards passing, 66.2 completions percentage, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 104.7 rating. Meanwhile, Byron Leftwich really likes the new chicken fries from Burger King.

Baltimore 22, St. Louis 3–Lordy, are the Rams horrid. Every week, I write something small about the Ram game because I want to leave the true dissection of the team to our resident Rams fan, everyones on steroids. But it doesn’t seem as if he’s very interested in this garbage. So I’m gonna lay something out for the kids in the Lou: sit Bulger and Jackson for the rest of the season. Why bring them back now? So they can play hurt and the Rams can finish 5-11, 4-12? Please. Sit em, play some kids, finish one or two games worse than that, and get a top 5 pick. As for the Ravens, they are really boring and I hate writing about them. They had 5 interceptions on defense, and I’m guessing Willis McGahee did something.

Carolina 25, Arizona 10–Elway. Montana. Unitas. Marino. Favre. Manning. Brady. Make room, gentlemen. Vinny’s back. Testaverde blew the fuck up against the Cardinals, throwing for 206 yards and a score to lead the Panthers to a big victory on the road. It would be really awesome if Vinny was the starter for the rest of the year. Why not? What, Carolina should be anxious to throw David Carr back in there? Please, he blows. On the other side, Tim Rattay rallied the Cardinals after Kurt Warner hyperextended his elbow. Rallied them to 159 yards and 3 interceptions. After the game, Rattay looked at the stat sheet, saw he got monster-fucked by a 44 year old dude who wasn’t even in the league last week, and hung himself.

New England 48, Dallas 27–I didn’t even know these two teams were playing this week. You would think that two 5-0 teams matching up would of had more of a build up. Anyway, the Patriots will probably go 16-0 if they stay healthy. Since the Pats and Cowboys will probably represent their conferences in the Super Bowl, we already know that New England will blow out the Cowboys in February. So, on October 15, the season is over. Fuck you, Dreamboat.

San Diego 28, Oakland 14–LT got the ball. He ran for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns. Wow. Look what happens when you give the best player the fucking ball. Thanks Norv; you owe me 500 dollars. (Suicide pool pot that I lost when picking SD a few weeks back).

New Orleans 28, Seattle 17–This was one of the worst coached games I have ever seen. Mike Holmgren should be fired after this season. The Seahawk playcalling was horrible. In the 4th quarter, here are some of the calls Holgren made: 4th and 3, called timeout and then ran a draw–with the fullback–and gained 1 yard; team scored to make it 28-17, kicked an onsides kick with over 7 minutes left in the game–kick failed; with under 2 minutes left, facing a 4th and 9 on the Saints’ 20, decided to go for it instead of kicking the field goal to cut it to 8 and then trying an onsides kick. You need 3 anyway, Mike…..why not get it now instead of trying a 4th and 9? Fucking moron. Go comb your walrus mustache.

Week 5 Roundup. (And fuck Norv Turner).

October 8, 2007

Yeah, that’s what the fuck I’m talking about. An absolutely horrible week of boring ass games was capped off with the mighty Bears slapping the Packers around Lambeau. (What, a 7-point win when you force 5 turnovers and the other team commits 12 penalites isn’t a slap? Fuck you.)

The only thing that could of made this weekend any better was if the Cubs got shut down by Livan Hernandez. Oh, that happened? Oops.

Anyway, here’s a roundup of the stellar rather crappy Week 5 NFL games.

Tennessee 20, Atlanta 13–This would have been a great matchup of running QBs if the dog murderer hadn’t gotten caught. Damn the man. Anyway, the Titans turned the ball over 5 times and that still wasn’t enough for the Falcons to pull out the road win. With the score tied at 13 late in the third quarter, Titan Pacman Jones Vincent Fuller intercepted a Joey Harrington pass and ran 76 yards for a touchdown. Tennessee would have been my suicide pool pick had that fucking asswipe Norv Turner not shit the bed in week 4. Seriously, I’m thinking of renaming this blog ‘Fuck Norv Turner.’ Dot com. Or org. I don’t know.

Jacksonville 17, Kansas City 7–So week one, Tennessee runs for almost 300 runs on Jacksonville. Now, in week 5, with Larry Johnson, the Chiefs run for 10 yards. 10 fucking yards? How bad is the Chief offensive line. Folks, if you play fantasy football, and you have LJ: trade him for whatever you can get now. Or wait until he has a somewhat decent game. Because that team just sucks. I cannot believe they beat the Chargers last week. THATS how bad of a coach Norv Turner is. Seriously, fuck Norv Turner.

Arizona 34, St. Louis 31–A lot of talk around the blogosphere about the Cardinals being the team to beat in the NFC West. Folks, the Rams offense is absolutely atrocious and it scored 31 on these guys. Brian Leonard went over 100 yards. That dude didn’t even start for Rutgers at halfback last year. Rutgers. The Cardinals will be lucky to win 8 games. But that might be good enough to make the playoffs.

New England 34, Cleveland 17–I know this is going to sound stupid, but after this game I have more respect for the Browns than I did going in. I’m not saying they are going to challenge Pittsburgh in the AFC North, but they almost covered the spread. That’s more than we can say for the other Patriot opponents this year. There must be something wrong with Tom Brady because he had 16 incompletions. What a suckbag. (He also had 3 touchdowns and almost 300 yards passing).

Carolina 16, New Orleans 13–The Saints are really, really bad. Marques Colston is having a really bad sophomore campaign. Reggie Bush is a solid weapon, but without someone to spell him while running between the tackles, he’s just not going to be as effective. Also, Drew Brees is really pressing. He had another 2 picks, including one to ex-Bear Chris Harris. Although they won the game, the Panthers had a rough day as Jake Delhomme is feared out for the season. So, basically, the Bucs won the NFC South because David Carr is just gross.

NY Giants 35, NY Jets 24–This might be one of the most entertaining games of the day, as the Giants came back from a ten-point third quarter deficit to blow out the Jets. Plaxico Burress is an absolute monster, with the talent to really dominate if he would stay interested throughout the season. The Giants also may have found something in the backfield, as the one-two punch of Brandon Jacobs and Derrick Ward looked great. But what really came across in this game was that Chad Pennington is no longer an NFL quarterback. He’s a solid backup, thats all. Chad had five interceptions in the last two weeks, and each was an absolutely horrible throw. Pennington has bad arm strength, so he has to make concise, smart passes. If he’s not doing so, he’s a weak armed Rex Grossman.

Pittsburgh 21, Seattle 0–The Seahawks avenged their Super Bowl XL loss by thrashing the Steeler defense to the tune of 144 total yards and just over 19 minutes of possession in the shutout loss. Willie Parker and the basket shitter combined for 160 yards rushing and Ben Roethlisberger had a very smart, efficient day (18-for-22, 1 touchdown, 0 interceptions).

Washington 34, Detroit 3–Seriously, this Lions team beat the Bears? They scored 34 in the 4th quarter last week? Christ, the Bears suck. Anyway, Mark Sellers put on a damn highlight show by catching a touchdown pass and absolutely obliterating Lions safety Kenoy Kennedy on another reception. Jason Campbell is rounding into a solid quarterback, and with his improved play and a strong defense, the Redskins definitely look like the Cowboys’ only real competition in the division.

Houston 22, Miami 19–Dude, Kris Brown is a fucking beast. He went 5-for-5, including a game-winning 57 yarder to win the game. Tell me who should be player of the week other than Kris? I mean, ECUM’s favorite basket shitter only had 2 touchdowns. I am naming Kris Brown ECUM’s favorite kicker, from this day forward. This motherfucker scored 16 points by himself! Yeah, Kris! Get some!

Indianapolis 33, Tampa Bay 14–This is how good the AFC is. The Colts didn’t have their starting running back or wide receiver. They were playing the best team in the NFC South. And they won by 19. Christ. I think the New England-Indianapolis game in a few weeks might be the best sporting event in the history of the world. Anything less than a 48-45 OT game will be a letdown. Anyway, the dude thats always in those commercials had 253 yards passing and 2 touchdowns, and Kenton Keith came in for my fantasy starter Joseph Addai and put up 158 total yards and 2 scores. Kenton Keith: 27 fantasy points.

San Diego 41, Denver 3–The Broncos are dead, folks. Think about it: Denver has been good or great almost every year since John Elway was playing. Since the mid-80s, I can’t think of a really bad Broncos team. This might be it. Sure, the Chargers were playing for their season. But 41-3 at Invesco? Wow. Norv did manage to hold LT scoreless again, and guys who had the number one pick in their fantasy drafts will continue to convert to voodoo just to stick pins in a miniature Norv in order to get LT some fucking red zone touches.

Baltimore 9, San Francisco 7–No one wants to read about this game. What a shitfest.

Chicago 27, Green Bay 20–Hey, I’ll take it. But I haven’t seen a team just give away a game like the Packers did yesterday. They had five turnovers. 12 penalties. The Packers playcalling was absolutely horrible. The Bears scored to make it 20-17, and on the ensuing possession the Packers run three times in the middle of the line and punt. Also, why didn’t the Packers just run that little slant about 44 times? The Bears couldn’t stop it unless Tillman stripped the ball. And that two-minute drill was really bad. Me thinks Mike McCarthy sucks as a coach. And the Bears still only won by a score. But again, it doesn’t count less than a 45 point win, so fuck it. Lets take on the Vikes next week, get back to .500, and cruise into the Philly game.

Week 4 Goats

October 1, 2007

Half of the coaches and players in the NFL are fucking retards. Yeah, half. And I can prove it. Here’s a recap of some of the dumb fucking shit NFL coaches pulled yesterday during Week 4 action.

Norv Turner, San Diego–Lets start off with one that no one can argue with. This fuckin mope has taken last year’s 14-2 Charger squad and transformed them into a 1-3 shithouse seemingly overnight. But it can’t be all Norv’s fault, right? The Chargers have faced some tough competition, and yesterday’s loss to the Chiefs was just a matter of a underrated KC group having a great day, correct? Fuck no, thats not correct. During the first half, LaDanian Tomlinson had 16 carries for 116 yards and a touchdown, and the Chargers led 16-6 at the break. San Diego’s defense is cruising. All you gotta do is step on the Chiefs’ throat and feed LT the rock. He’s getting 7 yards a touch, for Christ’s sake. Let him take you home.

No, this fucking ignoramus gives LT the ball a grand total of 4 times in the second half. With a ten point lead, at home. Yeah, and by the way Norv, your fucking number one wide receiver is Vincent Jackson. Its not like you’re playing with the 99 Rams here, slappy. No, Norv thinks its smart to go ahead and run 20 pass plays and 8 running plays in the second half; Philip Rivers has three second half turnovers and the Chargers are outscored 24-0 en route to a 30-16 loss.

Norv, next time you have a ten point lead at home against a horrible offensive opponent, go ahead and give LT the ball 15-plus times in the third and fourth quarters. He’ll carry you to a nice easy win, you dumbass.

Brad Childress, Minnesota–This fucking douchebag isn’t as much to blame for his team’s loss as Norv since the Vikings were trailing at the half, so you would think they had to throw more than run. But the Vikings’ lone offensive weapon is Adrian Peterson. Peterson had 10 carries for over 100 yards in the first half. At the half, the Pack led a close game 10-6. So there was no need to abondon the run. Peterson managed two second half carries, as Childress thought it would be more effective to throw over 20 times. With Kelly Holcomb.

Its not like Peterson didn’t get his touches. I mean, why not have your star rookie running back who has struggled with injuries throughout his stellar career return kickoffs? Are you fucking kidding me? No, we don’t want to hand it to him in the running game; can’t overwork the youngster. But what…..throw him at the goalline and let him run full-speed into 11 Packers focused on getting a 60-yard head start and killing him? Yeah, lets do that. What a fucking dolt.

Coaches weren’t the only ones to look like idiots Sunday.

Chris McAlister, Baltimore–Its not often that a player can be directly responsible for his team giving up 10 points. First, McAlister, for some reason, just stopped covering Braylon Edwards on an 78 yard touchdown pass. It was obvious man coverage, but McAlister suddenly broke in as if expecting a square-in route. Edwards blew right by him for a long score. Then, later in the game, McAlister jumped offsides on a field goal attempt. The Browns missed the kick, but with the 5 yards gained on the offsides, they picked up a first down and eventually nailed a 3-pointer with the new life. Cleveland 17, Baltimore 13, McAlister 10 (which he decided to give to the Browns).

Chad Pennington, NY Jets–You look at Pennington’s line, and you’d think he couldn’t possibly be a goat. He completed 32 of 39 passes for 290 yards and a touchdown. But Chad had two atrocious interceptions. The first came with the Bills leading 10-7 and the Jets on the move. Pennington threw an out pattern which hung in the air for a week and was intercepted by Jabari Greer. But the Jets perservered and came back to within three, and had the ball on the Buffalo 40 with 12 seconds remaining. Pennington then inexplicably threw a psuedo-fade on the right sideline into double coverage, and the ball was easily intercepted by Terrence McGee. The two awful throws basically handed the Bills their first win. Eric Mangini was beaten by Dick Jauron, proving the theory that the sun does indeed shine on a dog’s ass once in a while.

I could also goat-icize the Bears defense, Brian Griese, the Eagles offensive line, or the Rams coaching staff (for playing Marc Bulger with broken ribs in a no-win situation), but I lack the energy to talk about the Bears. Or the Eagles. Or the Rams. They all suck, and this blog should not waste anymore space to their insipid bullshit.