Archive for the ‘Purple Jesus is here to save us from our mundane lives’ category

week 13 roundup

December 3, 2007

Before we get to Sunday’s games, I’ll just say one thing: the Thursday Green Bay-Dallas game did nothing for me. Although the Cowboys probably sewed up home field advantage with the win, I’m no less sure of who would win in a playoff game between the two than I was a week ago. If the Packers weren’t starting absolute scrubs in the secondary and playing Aaron Rodgers from the beginning of the second quarter on, who knows how it would have gone.

Oh, and one more thing: to all those BCS-defenders who say that college football is special because every week is like a playoff…….go fuck yourself. Hawaii is undefeated. LSU lost twice. So of course, LSU is in the championship game. (I’m not claiming Hawaii would beat LSU head to head, and I honestly believe that the Tigers are one of the two best teams in the country–but the top 8 or 16 teams deserve a chance to decide it on the field this year, if not every year. This year proved that anyone can truly beat anyone.)

Carolina 31, San Francisco 14–Yeah, I’m starting with the most important game of the day. A lot of things have become apparent during this 2007 NFL season: Adrian Peterson is a beast; the Patriots are pretty good; Brett Favre is still alive; and whenever the Vinny Testaverde-Dante Rosario combination gets hot, the rest of the league better step up their game.

Tennessee 28, Houston 20–These two teams make me angry, and I’m not even a fan of them. If the Titans take the last AFC playoff spot away from the ECUM Browns, and I have to watch their boring asses against Pittsburgh in the Wild Card round, I’m gonna punch my wife in the face. Or beg her for sex instead of watching the game. One of the two. Meanwhile, two weeks ago, the Texans were my new favorite team, a little-talked-about ragtag bunch of studs who could make people nervous down the stretch. Instead, they’ve shit down their legs two weeks running and now Matt Schaub is hurt. Can Sage Rosenfels lead the Texans to an exciting and competitive last month? Absolutely, this is the NFL! No, what a stupid fucking question.

Indianapolis 28, Jacksonville 25–I would of liked to watch this game, except I was pregaming before going to the Bears-Giants tussle. From what I saw on the highlights, the game turned out exactly how 99 percent of us thought: the seven-point spread was way too high, however, the Colts would step up their game at home in an important week. Oh, and the Jags would play tough. After the game, David Garrard–angry that he threw his first interception of the season–dropkicked Fred Taylor’s face with his cleated feet. Just because.

San Diego 24, Kansas City 10–LT went off, the Chiefs are officially dead, and Jared Allen proved to be the best pass-catching defensive end in KC since…….the invention of the forward pass. Seriously, that was a sick catch for a 280-pound defensive end. Also, Philip Rivers continued to show just how overrated he is by going 10-for-21 and 157 yards with a touchdown and interception.

St. Louis 28, Atlanta 16–Instead of playing this game, they should have just had Madden 08 playing on the dome jumbotron. Just play a computer simulation on the big screen, with the score and all the stats counting for real. That would be infinitely more exciting. Imagine Steven Jackson jumping up and down in street clothes as video Steven Jackson broke a 79 yard touchdown run. Deangelo Hall yelling at his teammates after the corner’s video doppleganger gets a pass intereference call. I’m in.

NY Jets 40, Miami 13–Well, this was the game the Dolphins were supposed to win, right? Its not looking good for the ole boys from south Florida. Its a shame, too. I mean, it would really be sad if the Dolphins went winless in the same season that the Patriots went 19-0, thus erasing whatever was left of the 72 Dolphins’ relevance–and replacing the Dolphins’ franchise’s top claim with the league’s worst season. And by ‘sad’, I mean awesomer than winning the lottery while watching your favorite team win the World Series.

Minnesota 42, Detroit 10–Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. I mean…..wow. What can be said? He’s the best. I know LT went for 170 and two scores. But All Day/Purple Jesus just absolutely kills people. The cutback on his first touchdown and the juke in the hole on his second are two of the best moves I’ve seen all season, and he did them both in a span of like 45 minutes. Christ, he might go for 500 yards on 12/17 against the Bears.

Seattle 28, Philadelphia 24–Based on the highlights, it seems as if this was a pretty entertaining game. Both of these teams are pretty cute and fun to watch, like Hayden Panettiere. But in the end, they aren’t going to make any noise…..unlike Hayden Panettiere. ZING! Anyway, Brian Westbrook is a monster, maybe the third best running back in the game (Purple Jesus, LT) but with A.J. Feeley behind center, the Eagles don’t have a chance. Mostly because apparently Feeley has some sort of blindness where he doesn’t see Hawaiian linebackers. Or Fijian. Or something. Where is Lofa Tatupu from? Wherever he’s from, he had three picks.

Buffalo 17, Washington 16–Lot of emotion at FedEx Field (Thats the name of the stadium, right? It should still be RFK), but it wasn’t enough as the Bills pull out the win. I’ve talked about Joe Gibbs’ horrid coaching this season in numerous other weekly roundups, but yesterday it really looked as if the game has passed him by. Not only because of the timeout thing, but because you absolutely have to beat a Marshawn Lynch-less Buffalo team at home in a must-win, even with all of those distractions.

Arizona 27, Cleveland 21–OK, lets make this clear: that play at the end of the game, the Kellen Winslow non-catch……that was a catch. But the officials didn’t want to make that call against the home team at the end of the game. Since his feet landed out of bounds, its really easy to make the incomplete call. But Winslow was jacked in the back by a Cardinals defender–before the ball got there by the way, so that should have been pass interference–and caught the ball, landing about two yards out of bounds. If that second guy didn’t hit Winslow, thats a score. Fuck you refs; you will feel the wrath of ECUM for screwing our adopted team. FEEL THE WRATH.

Oakland 34, Denver 20–The Bears might suck and are definitely not making the playoffs, but at least we know we ruined the Broncos’ season last week. How the fuck do you lose a must win to the Raiders? How do you give up 34 points to Oakland? The Bears and Devin Hester must have made them lose all confidence in themselves. That is the only explanation. Other than the Broncos suck.

Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23–I mean, its the NFC South. Whats the point? Instead, I’m going to write about a question that has been plaguing me for the last few days. Vera Farmiga, the chick in ‘The Departed’…..is she hot? I mean, in ‘The Departed’, she was really pretty, and I’ve seen her in pictures looking stunning. (Yes, ‘stunning’. And no, I’m not a 58-year old fashion designer). In ‘Running Scared’ with the ever-talented Paul Walker, she has a scene at the beginning of the movie that is pretty damn hot. Her ass looks damn good in the thing. But then there are other times when she looks really unattractive. I saw her on Conan wearing what appeared to be a doilie. And sometimes her hair is ridiculous. So I don’t know. Oh, and Earnest Graham is an underrated beast, and I told you so in my ‘How many running backs are better than Cedric Benson’ column from a few months ago.

NY Giants 21, Chicago 16–If nothing else, this Bears season has shown me that the whole team–not just the offense–suffers if the offensive line is bad. I defy you to show me a Super Bowl champion with an offensive line that is worse than ‘better than average.’ And the Bears’ line stopped being ‘better than average’ last year. They have no running game and no protection in the passing game. If major improvements aren’t made to the line in the offseason, this team will continue to hover around 6-10, 7-9, 8-8.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 10–It rained again, and the Steelers beat the Bengals, who have to be the dumbest fucking team in the league. Thats all I gathered from watching this shitfest. That, and the Steelers are going to get pounded by New England next week.

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week 9 roundup

November 5, 2007

What a week. Lets get right to it.

Atlanta 20, San Francisco 16–When people think back about week 9 of the 2007 NFL season, they’ll think of one man–Warrick Dunn. The Falcons proved just how shitty the Niners are by winning AND covering the spread against everyone’s favorite preseason sleeper. Alex Smith continued on the Tim Couch career path with 139 yards passing and 3 interceptions.

Buffalo 33, Cincinnati 21–Marshawn Lynch is solid, and it don’t get no better than solid. Lynch ran for over 150 yards and a score, and added a touchdown pass to lead the Bills to the win. The Bengals continued to show absolutely no heart on defense, but it will be funny now to see them win thier next four games without Chad Johnson, leading to his eventual off-season trade.

Detroit 44, Denver 7–Count me in the camp of all the people who thought the Lions were a paper champ; they definitely are one of the NFC’s top 5 teams. The only problem with that distinction is that it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t still suck, in the greater scheme of things. At 6-2, Detroit now faces a ridiculous remaining schedule, but only needs to win about half of their remaining 8 to make the playoffs. For the second straight week, the Broncos failed to consistently get the right number of people on the field on defense as Mike Shanahan continues his push for Bill Cowher’s seat on CBS’ NFL Today in 2008.

Tennessee 20, Carolina 7–I could write the same shit every week about the Titans: bad offense, ugly but effective running game, stellar defense, boring win. That being said, I think David Carr is the worst starting quarterback in the NFL. Somewhere in Houston, the Texans’ offensive lineman for the past three years are screaming “SEE, IT WASN’T US! THIS GUY IS A DOUCHEBAG WHO SITS THERE, HOLDING THE BALL TOO LONG!” Carr, who was sacked 7 times yesterday, agrees. ‘I am a douchebag,’ he said in a conference call.

Green Bay 33, Kansas City 22–OK, I admit it: what Favre is doing this year is pretty fucking awesome. He is more accurate this year than he was in the previous three or four, and his receivers are maturing. This, combined with a solid defense, has almost assured the Packers of a playoff spot. I must give some props to Troy Aikman and Joe Buck (begrudgingly), as they didn’t feel the need to stroke Favre throughout the game. When he made a good pass, they called it as such. When he made a mistake, they called it as such. It was refreshing not to hear that Favre’s end of first half interception was the fault of the offensive line who allowed the Chief’s defensive lineman to raise his hand into the passing lane.

Minnesota 35, San Diego 17–Lets see, not much happened in this game. Tavaris Jackson got hurt…..thats huge. LT scored a touchdown; man, he’s a beast. Lets see. What else……
……HOLY FUCKING SHIT!
Seriously…..296 yards? 3 touchdowns? 250 yards in the second half?!?! Adrian Peterson is Purple Jesus, and we must all go to church before the games next Sunday and bow in the general direction of Palestine, Texas, the birthplace of Purple Jesus. How would you like to be the Chargers’ Antonio Cromarite? He makes an absolutely beautiful play, a 109 yard missed field goal return, a record that will never be broken…..and you’re a damn afterthought. Meanwhile, Norv continues to find a way to do the least possible with one of the five most talented teams in the league.

New Orleans 41, Jacksonville 24–The Saints are back, ready to be exciting and throw a bunch of passes en route to a NFC South division title and a first round playoff loss to the Giants, Lions, or Redskins. I admire the fact that Drew Brees goes from playing absolutely horribly to 445 yards, but does anyone honestly think the Saints are going any further than the first, maybe second round. They have no defense at all. Meanwhile, Jack Del Rio should just quit. Christ, man…..you build your team around running the ball and defense, and against the worst defensive team in the NFC you run for 88 total yards and give up 41 points?

Washington 23, NY Jets 20–Anyone in a pinch for fantasy football running back help should just pick up any free agents who play the Jets for the rest of the year. Man, they suck. Has any coach gone from star of the future to retard in one year like Eric Mangini? 1-8? Christ. On the bright side for the Jets, Kellen Clemens looked decent against a strong defense with absolutely no help from the Jet running game. Imagine where the Jets would be if they had sat Pennington before, you know, the season was done.

Tampa Bay 17, Arizona 10–I’d rather watch a snuff film than write about this piece of shit. Apparently the Bucs had the ball for like 45 minutes and managed 17 points against the fucking Cardinals’ defense. Way to go Gruden. You sure are an offensive mastermind.

Cleveland 33, Seattle 30–ECUM is adopting the Cleveland Browns for the remainder of 2007. HHY’s Bears are 3-5 and have about a 2 percent chance of making the playoffs. EOS’s Rams are 0-8 and…….well……might win a game. So I’m adopting the Browns. They’re exciting, they have a cool and ugly color scheme, they play in front of rabid fans, and although they probably won’t make the playoffs because they are in the AFC, at least they’ll be playing meaningful games down the stretch. Plus, I have Braylon Edwards on my most important fantasy team, and he’s a killer. Meanwhile, Mike Holmgren continues to challenge Mike Shanahan for title of ‘Most Retarded Coach to Have Participated in Super Bowl 32.’

Houston 24, Oakland 17–The Texans ran for 178 yards. The Raiders have one of the worst run defenses in football, if not the worst. Gertrude, take a letter!
Dear Cedric Benson,
If you do not absolutely murder the Raiders next week to the tune of a minimum of 100 yards and a touchdown, I want you to jump in a vat of acid.
Sincerely,
HHY

New England 24, Indianapolis 20–Apparently I underestimated the Colts defense. The front four was able to get a lot of pressure on Brady, and held every receiver but Moss down for most of the game. But when it came down to it, the Patriots made plays when they had to. Thats all I’m going to write, because if you didn’t watch at least part of this game, the chances you’re one of the few people who read this blog is slim.

Dallas 35, Philadelphia 17–The Cowboys are the best team in the NFC, the Eagles are done. Tony Romo had a great game, Donovan McNabb did not. Simple as that. Marion Barber continued to run as if when he gets tackled, a gang of herpes-infested zombies will rape his mother. Seriously, he’s like that kid who was bigger than the rest of us that we grew up with who took the pickup game way too seriously. Someone started talking smack to him, then suddenly he’s getting angry and just killing people every time he took the ball. Then kids started going home. Thats what the Eagles defense was yesterday–the kids that go home after getting killed by the big dude.