Archive for the ‘Purple Jesus’ category

Not Even Close

January 24, 2008

Adrian Peterson Rookie of the Year

I just voted for Diet Pepsi’s NFL Rookie of the Year 2007 and can I just say one thing: Landslide. I’m not saying that Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, Dwayne Bowe, and Joe Thomas might not deserve the same award if this were any other year, but come on. Not only did he come in second in the league for total rushing yards and compile second-most rushing yards in Vikings history in his first year, but does anyone remember the Chicago game?

224 yards. 11.2 yds/carry. 3 TD’s. That burst for 73 yds and one of the TD’s. He was, as many before me have put it, a BEAST. And that was his fifth professional game, the first week back from bye. On the road. Now I know that Chicago’s defense wasn’t even close to what it was last year. But when’s the last time someone ran for 224 yds on them? I don’t know. Thats why I’m asking you.

Fast forward three weeks to the matchup of LT and AP and what happens? NFL-record setting 296 yds and 3 TD’s. LT had 40 yds rushing and 1 TD. Once again, the Whale’s Vagina D wasn’t what it has been in previous years, but they let a rookie do that. So obviously you know who my pick is.

Don’t get me wrong. I do know that Lynch was a beast with the most carries in the league for both the season (280) and most carries per game (21.5) and also led AFC rookies with 1,115 yds. Not too shabby. And Patrick Willis nearly tackled every single person in the NFL this year. 174 total tackles with 135 solo efforts. Everyone knows that he was another BEAST in that Tampa game and almost single-handly controlled the game, but did you also know his favorite color is fuchsia?

Fag.

week 13 roundup

December 3, 2007

Before we get to Sunday’s games, I’ll just say one thing: the Thursday Green Bay-Dallas game did nothing for me. Although the Cowboys probably sewed up home field advantage with the win, I’m no less sure of who would win in a playoff game between the two than I was a week ago. If the Packers weren’t starting absolute scrubs in the secondary and playing Aaron Rodgers from the beginning of the second quarter on, who knows how it would have gone.

Oh, and one more thing: to all those BCS-defenders who say that college football is special because every week is like a playoff…….go fuck yourself. Hawaii is undefeated. LSU lost twice. So of course, LSU is in the championship game. (I’m not claiming Hawaii would beat LSU head to head, and I honestly believe that the Tigers are one of the two best teams in the country–but the top 8 or 16 teams deserve a chance to decide it on the field this year, if not every year. This year proved that anyone can truly beat anyone.)

Carolina 31, San Francisco 14–Yeah, I’m starting with the most important game of the day. A lot of things have become apparent during this 2007 NFL season: Adrian Peterson is a beast; the Patriots are pretty good; Brett Favre is still alive; and whenever the Vinny Testaverde-Dante Rosario combination gets hot, the rest of the league better step up their game.

Tennessee 28, Houston 20–These two teams make me angry, and I’m not even a fan of them. If the Titans take the last AFC playoff spot away from the ECUM Browns, and I have to watch their boring asses against Pittsburgh in the Wild Card round, I’m gonna punch my wife in the face. Or beg her for sex instead of watching the game. One of the two. Meanwhile, two weeks ago, the Texans were my new favorite team, a little-talked-about ragtag bunch of studs who could make people nervous down the stretch. Instead, they’ve shit down their legs two weeks running and now Matt Schaub is hurt. Can Sage Rosenfels lead the Texans to an exciting and competitive last month? Absolutely, this is the NFL! No, what a stupid fucking question.

Indianapolis 28, Jacksonville 25–I would of liked to watch this game, except I was pregaming before going to the Bears-Giants tussle. From what I saw on the highlights, the game turned out exactly how 99 percent of us thought: the seven-point spread was way too high, however, the Colts would step up their game at home in an important week. Oh, and the Jags would play tough. After the game, David Garrard–angry that he threw his first interception of the season–dropkicked Fred Taylor’s face with his cleated feet. Just because.

San Diego 24, Kansas City 10–LT went off, the Chiefs are officially dead, and Jared Allen proved to be the best pass-catching defensive end in KC since…….the invention of the forward pass. Seriously, that was a sick catch for a 280-pound defensive end. Also, Philip Rivers continued to show just how overrated he is by going 10-for-21 and 157 yards with a touchdown and interception.

St. Louis 28, Atlanta 16–Instead of playing this game, they should have just had Madden 08 playing on the dome jumbotron. Just play a computer simulation on the big screen, with the score and all the stats counting for real. That would be infinitely more exciting. Imagine Steven Jackson jumping up and down in street clothes as video Steven Jackson broke a 79 yard touchdown run. Deangelo Hall yelling at his teammates after the corner’s video doppleganger gets a pass intereference call. I’m in.

NY Jets 40, Miami 13–Well, this was the game the Dolphins were supposed to win, right? Its not looking good for the ole boys from south Florida. Its a shame, too. I mean, it would really be sad if the Dolphins went winless in the same season that the Patriots went 19-0, thus erasing whatever was left of the 72 Dolphins’ relevance–and replacing the Dolphins’ franchise’s top claim with the league’s worst season. And by ‘sad’, I mean awesomer than winning the lottery while watching your favorite team win the World Series.

Minnesota 42, Detroit 10–Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. Purple Jesus. I mean…..wow. What can be said? He’s the best. I know LT went for 170 and two scores. But All Day/Purple Jesus just absolutely kills people. The cutback on his first touchdown and the juke in the hole on his second are two of the best moves I’ve seen all season, and he did them both in a span of like 45 minutes. Christ, he might go for 500 yards on 12/17 against the Bears.

Seattle 28, Philadelphia 24–Based on the highlights, it seems as if this was a pretty entertaining game. Both of these teams are pretty cute and fun to watch, like Hayden Panettiere. But in the end, they aren’t going to make any noise…..unlike Hayden Panettiere. ZING! Anyway, Brian Westbrook is a monster, maybe the third best running back in the game (Purple Jesus, LT) but with A.J. Feeley behind center, the Eagles don’t have a chance. Mostly because apparently Feeley has some sort of blindness where he doesn’t see Hawaiian linebackers. Or Fijian. Or something. Where is Lofa Tatupu from? Wherever he’s from, he had three picks.

Buffalo 17, Washington 16–Lot of emotion at FedEx Field (Thats the name of the stadium, right? It should still be RFK), but it wasn’t enough as the Bills pull out the win. I’ve talked about Joe Gibbs’ horrid coaching this season in numerous other weekly roundups, but yesterday it really looked as if the game has passed him by. Not only because of the timeout thing, but because you absolutely have to beat a Marshawn Lynch-less Buffalo team at home in a must-win, even with all of those distractions.

Arizona 27, Cleveland 21–OK, lets make this clear: that play at the end of the game, the Kellen Winslow non-catch……that was a catch. But the officials didn’t want to make that call against the home team at the end of the game. Since his feet landed out of bounds, its really easy to make the incomplete call. But Winslow was jacked in the back by a Cardinals defender–before the ball got there by the way, so that should have been pass interference–and caught the ball, landing about two yards out of bounds. If that second guy didn’t hit Winslow, thats a score. Fuck you refs; you will feel the wrath of ECUM for screwing our adopted team. FEEL THE WRATH.

Oakland 34, Denver 20–The Bears might suck and are definitely not making the playoffs, but at least we know we ruined the Broncos’ season last week. How the fuck do you lose a must win to the Raiders? How do you give up 34 points to Oakland? The Bears and Devin Hester must have made them lose all confidence in themselves. That is the only explanation. Other than the Broncos suck.

Tampa Bay 27, New Orleans 23–I mean, its the NFC South. Whats the point? Instead, I’m going to write about a question that has been plaguing me for the last few days. Vera Farmiga, the chick in ‘The Departed’…..is she hot? I mean, in ‘The Departed’, she was really pretty, and I’ve seen her in pictures looking stunning. (Yes, ‘stunning’. And no, I’m not a 58-year old fashion designer). In ‘Running Scared’ with the ever-talented Paul Walker, she has a scene at the beginning of the movie that is pretty damn hot. Her ass looks damn good in the thing. But then there are other times when she looks really unattractive. I saw her on Conan wearing what appeared to be a doilie. And sometimes her hair is ridiculous. So I don’t know. Oh, and Earnest Graham is an underrated beast, and I told you so in my ‘How many running backs are better than Cedric Benson’ column from a few months ago.

NY Giants 21, Chicago 16–If nothing else, this Bears season has shown me that the whole team–not just the offense–suffers if the offensive line is bad. I defy you to show me a Super Bowl champion with an offensive line that is worse than ‘better than average.’ And the Bears’ line stopped being ‘better than average’ last year. They have no running game and no protection in the passing game. If major improvements aren’t made to the line in the offseason, this team will continue to hover around 6-10, 7-9, 8-8.

Pittsburgh 24, Cincinnati 10–It rained again, and the Steelers beat the Bengals, who have to be the dumbest fucking team in the league. Thats all I gathered from watching this shitfest. That, and the Steelers are going to get pounded by New England next week.

Purple Jesus, Dreamboat, and the rest of week 6

October 15, 2007

Minnesota 34, Chicago 31–Best performance by an opposing player I’ve ever seen. Purple Jesus went off. 224 yards rushing and 3 scores, and he added a 55 yard kick return to set up Ryan Longwell’s game winning 55 yard field goal at the gun. The time when us Bears fans could rely on the defense to make plays and keep us in games no matter what is over, and the tackling of the secondary–especially Daneal Manning and Brandon McGowan–was absolutely dreadful for the second straight week. On the bright side, Devin Hester continued his dominance with an 89-yard punt return and a 81-yard touchdown reception with just over two minutes left. There have been better Bears, but Hester is by far the most exciting player to wear the uniform in my lifetime. People talk about the great Gale Sayers, and while Sayers was a better overall football player, I can’t imagine that he’s more exciting that Hester.

Cleveland 41, Miami 31–Derek Anderson is the truth, son! This situation reminds me of the Bengals a few years ago. Remember, they drafted Carson Palmer but decided to let Jon Kitna start that first year? And Kitna responded with a huge season? Well, Anderson is Jon Kitna and Brady Quinn is Carson Palmer. Anyway, the Browns seem to really have something on the offensive side of the ball, with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow becoming Pro Bowl-level targets in the passing game. For the Fish, Cleo Lemon threw for 256 yards and 2 scores but it wasn’t enough as Miami fell to 0-6.

Green Bay 17, Washington 14–So I click on ESPN.com to read the box score for this game, and the Web site provides a link with one line which summarizes the game. For example, the Bears-Vikings game was something along the lines of ‘Peterson explodes as Vikings upset Bears.’ Well, the link for this game is ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ So what did Brett Favre do, you ask? 19-for-37, 188 yards, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions. The winning touchdown was scored by the Packer defense, a 57 yard fumble return by Charles Woodson. This is a perfect example of why non-Packer fans are fucking sick of the Favre love. He played a shitty game, the defense made a huge play to win an important game, and the media lazily puts up ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ Give me a fucking break.

Kansas City 27, Cincinnati 20–Apparently the Cheifs aren’t that shitty. Either that, or the Bengals are really bad. It could be both. The 2007 Heartless Pig Award might go to the Bengals defense, which week after week gets torched. Larry Johnson, previously left for dead after 5 horrid weeks, had 119 yards and a score and ensured that his fantasy owners will now keep him in the lineup for the rest of the year, thinking he is back. Marvin Lewis should go ahead and sell his home and scour for defensive coordinator positions, cuz this ship has sailed.

Philadelphia 16, NY Jets 9–Hey, Mangenious…..any time you want to get Chad Pennington the fuck out of there, Jets fans will appreciate it. The New Yorkers got 130 yards from Thomas Jones and still couldn’t score a touchdown. Meanwhile, Kevin Curtis and Wes Welker are battling for the title of Best White Receiver of the Year. Previous winners include Steve Largent, Don Beebe, and Tom Waddle.

Tampa Bay 13, Tennessee 10–I’ll tell you kids something–look at Jeff Garcia’s numbers for this season. 1188 yards passing with a 66.7 completion percentage. % touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 103.6 passer rating. Tony Romo is getting all the publicity, but Garcia is the best quarterback in the NFC right now. He might not be a fantasy superstar, but he’s getting the job done very effectively for a team which will probably win its division. If you’re Dallas or Green Bay, do you want to play the Bucs in the divisional round of the playoffs, with Garcia running around like a jackass, throwing off balance and that defense playing like it is? I wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the Titans truly suck, and if Vince Young is ever injured seriously, they’ll lose about 75 percent of their games.

Jacksonville 37, Houston 17–Wasn’t it cool at the beginning of the year, when the Texans were 2-0 and everyone was talking about them being the sleeper of 2007? Yeah, not so much. The Texans can’t stop the run, and when you’re playing Jacksonville, that’s not good. 244 yards rushing, not good. David Garrard is doing in the AFC what Jeff Garcia is in the NFC: quietly putting together a stellar, if unspectacular, season. 1069 yards passing, 66.2 completions percentage, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 104.7 rating. Meanwhile, Byron Leftwich really likes the new chicken fries from Burger King.

Baltimore 22, St. Louis 3–Lordy, are the Rams horrid. Every week, I write something small about the Ram game because I want to leave the true dissection of the team to our resident Rams fan, everyones on steroids. But it doesn’t seem as if he’s very interested in this garbage. So I’m gonna lay something out for the kids in the Lou: sit Bulger and Jackson for the rest of the season. Why bring them back now? So they can play hurt and the Rams can finish 5-11, 4-12? Please. Sit em, play some kids, finish one or two games worse than that, and get a top 5 pick. As for the Ravens, they are really boring and I hate writing about them. They had 5 interceptions on defense, and I’m guessing Willis McGahee did something.

Carolina 25, Arizona 10–Elway. Montana. Unitas. Marino. Favre. Manning. Brady. Make room, gentlemen. Vinny’s back. Testaverde blew the fuck up against the Cardinals, throwing for 206 yards and a score to lead the Panthers to a big victory on the road. It would be really awesome if Vinny was the starter for the rest of the year. Why not? What, Carolina should be anxious to throw David Carr back in there? Please, he blows. On the other side, Tim Rattay rallied the Cardinals after Kurt Warner hyperextended his elbow. Rallied them to 159 yards and 3 interceptions. After the game, Rattay looked at the stat sheet, saw he got monster-fucked by a 44 year old dude who wasn’t even in the league last week, and hung himself.

New England 48, Dallas 27–I didn’t even know these two teams were playing this week. You would think that two 5-0 teams matching up would of had more of a build up. Anyway, the Patriots will probably go 16-0 if they stay healthy. Since the Pats and Cowboys will probably represent their conferences in the Super Bowl, we already know that New England will blow out the Cowboys in February. So, on October 15, the season is over. Fuck you, Dreamboat.

San Diego 28, Oakland 14–LT got the ball. He ran for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns. Wow. Look what happens when you give the best player the fucking ball. Thanks Norv; you owe me 500 dollars. (Suicide pool pot that I lost when picking SD a few weeks back).

New Orleans 28, Seattle 17–This was one of the worst coached games I have ever seen. Mike Holmgren should be fired after this season. The Seahawk playcalling was horrible. In the 4th quarter, here are some of the calls Holgren made: 4th and 3, called timeout and then ran a draw–with the fullback–and gained 1 yard; team scored to make it 28-17, kicked an onsides kick with over 7 minutes left in the game–kick failed; with under 2 minutes left, facing a 4th and 9 on the Saints’ 20, decided to go for it instead of kicking the field goal to cut it to 8 and then trying an onsides kick. You need 3 anyway, Mike…..why not get it now instead of trying a 4th and 9? Fucking moron. Go comb your walrus mustache.