Don’t ask me why the FCC would sensor this, but for some reason they did. Its not all that funny, but it was better than at least two-thirds of the rest of the commercials that aired. And think about how much money they had to pay someone to write that ad, consult with lawyers to make sure it would be okay to do so, yadda yadda yadda, and then they can’t run it because America saw 1/8th of a second of Janet Jackson’s nipple on television.
Meanwhile, 12 year old boys everywhere can jump online and browse hundreds of hours of porn at their leisure. Every teenage girl/actress/singer is a whore or at least pretending to be one. And we just gave an Oscar to an ex-stripper and a girl who has gotten naked more times on film than I have in the past 15 years. What does this have to do with sports you ask? Just that it was banned during the Super Bowl. And I wanted to reminisce on 2004. So there.
Archive for the ‘super bowl’ category
He is no longer. Like my counterpart, HHY, I too feel for quarterbacks like young Eli Manning and Rex Grossman for the scrutiny and criticism they go through trying to lead there teams through an NFL season. Both Eli and Rex exhibited similar traits – huge games one week with people comparing them to Hall of Famers, then horrendous games the next with people wishing they never uttered the word “Hall of Fame” in the same sentence.
Eli just shook that monkey off his back last night. And, as with all stories that feature monkeys, you liked every damn minute of it. Superbowl XLII, not to be confused with what some people call my massive head , was one of the greatest football games I have ever seen in my life. I’ll admit – I went into the game wanting to see the Patriots pull it off. I wanted to see the perfect season and not just to shut the Dolphin’s up. It felt like basketball in Chicago during 90’s all over again. The Bulls were the most dominant team I’ve ever watched and I can remember how exciting it was to experience that. That is a sports story that I can relive with my kids, just like how my dad shares his Bears stories with me each year. And to say that I watched the Patriots win all 18 games and then take Superbowl XLII into the records books would have been fun.
But then the Giants win. And honestly, I’m not a Patriots fan. Now I can tell my kids how the New York Giants beat the unbeatable team during their “perfect” season (which will now forever be put in quotes on this blog). Underdogs, going into the playoffs as a wild card team. First NFC wild card team to win the Superbowl. With the line being 12 points against them. Rolling off two TD’s in the second half and rattling Brady so much with their D-line attack that even he’s still trying to figure it out.
So I guess what I’m trying to get to is this: Why the hell are the Giants so lucky with their “Rex of the East Coast” and we lost so badly last year with the Real Rex? And if he actually comes back as our starter next year then he better have been taking notes last night. That and he needs an O-line. And a defense that played like the G-Men did.
I know. Wishful thinking. At least I have a great underdog story to tell to my kids.
Well, I knew it all along (scroll down to the Patriots recap). Yes, forget what I have said every other week about this Patriots team; I knew the whole time that the Giants were just the team to stop this vaunted attack.
No, seriously……I did bet the Giants to cover the spread, but had no thought of them winning yesterday. For a few minutes after the Giants scored and eventually won the title, I just kept saying “Unbelievable”, over and over again. After thinking about it, its truly the biggest upset I have ever witnessed. I wasn’t around for Super Bowl III; I was three when the U.S. defeated the U.S.S.R. in hockey in 1980. The only thing that I could compare this game to was the 2004 ALCS, when the Red Sox came back from 3-0 down to win 4 straight games and beat the seemingly unbeatable Yankees. But that wasn’t an upset as much as it was an amazing comeback.
As shocked as I was, and as genuinely dismayed that Mercury Morris will get more air time because of the Patriots’ loss, I was just as happy for Eli Manning. As I wrote a few weeks ago, I don’t think any player in sports today has had as much pressure as Eli. He plays quarterback for the number one team in the number one market in the country’s number one sport. His father was a star. His older brother is a star. He was the first pick in the NFL draft. For the first four years of his career, he got absolutely creamed for his erratic play. As a Rex Grossman backer here in Chicago, I felt a kinship to Eli for many of the same reasons–he was fairly criticized by some, but by most–there was a lot of unfair criticisms. But all of that is quiet now. Now, Eli can be just another Super Bowl-winning quarterback.
In today’s column, ESPN’s Bill Simmons wrote about the Patriots abandoned their usual attacking style of play, especially on offense, and he didn’t udnerstand why. I think its pretty clear why. The Giants’ defensive line had arguably the best game of any defensive front 4 in modern Super Bowl history. Tom Brady hadn’t been rushed like that all season, and with no time in the pocket and no established running game, he and the Pats offense had no chance to do their usual thing.
I was surprised that Bill Belichek didn’t kick the field goal while up 7-3 in the third quarter. The Pats were facing a 4th-and-13 on the Giants 31. New England’s kicker, Stephen Gostkowski, didn’t kick anything longer than a 45-yarder in 2007, but last year he hit a 52-yarder and is a career 5-of-9 from 40-49 yards. That’s better than 50 percent. I have to think those are much better odds than those that the Patriots would convert a 4th-and-13, especially with how the Giants defense was playing. But its hard to argue with Belichek’s coaching strategy and decisions–he’s one of the best of all-time.
All in all, it was a great game. It was definitely the biggest upset in my sports-watching career. (Yes, me watching sports is a career). But if you love me, blog readers, do me one solid…….
If you see or hear Mercury Morris speaking on TV or the radio, immediately change the channel. Maybe if we ignore him enough, he’ll die a slow and lonely death.
So do the gay jokes about Mr. Tom Brady. I’ll admit that a certain writer on this blog might have posted about this same topic recently. And even if you’re completely homophobic, for some reason you’ll still watch this video and laugh.
So my prediction for the Superbowl? New England 37 New York 24. Thats based solely on watching this video. I puked thirteen times when I saw Fake Madden feeding Fake Brady. Its coming up again….
Honestly, I’m 2-8 against the spread this postseason. So no one is on the edge of their seats waiting for my pick. Also, these teams played a month ago, so what analysis can anyone provide? Yes, if the Giants get pressure on Brady they have a chance. Yes, the Giants might be able to run the ball. Yes, the banged-up Giants secondary will struggle to contain Moss and Welker. And yes, Maroney will be key.
I am basing my pick on two things: One, I don’t see how the Patriots lose. Two, every Patriots Super Bowl win has been by three points. So, I’ll go with New England 27, NY Giants 24. It will be 27-17 and the Giants will score a late meaningless touchdown to cut it to three. MVP will be Laurence Maroney (because there is no way I’m ‘going out on a limb’ and predicting Brady; thats horrible).
But what I really love about the Super Bowl is the insane prop bets one can make. Here are a few that my favorite sportsbook is offering:
Total points scored by both teams, combined: 0-7 points, +15000. So, basically, if the Patriots win 6-0 or 7-0, and you bet 100 bucks, you get back 15 grand. That would be sweet. I’d buy a pony.
Exact number of points scored by New York: 4 points, +30000. ‘All I need is two safeties and I can pay off my student loans!!! Come on, Osi!!!’
Length of the game’s first touchdown: no touchdowns in the game, +15000. Wouldn’t it be soooooo the NFL and its ‘unpredictability’ if the game’s highest scoring team in history and the team they played a month ago in a 38-35 game hooked up for a 12-9, exciting game full of furious field goal action? (I’m only bringing this up because I have fucking 2 and 9 in my office’s squares pool……fucking worst numbers you can get.)
Super Bowl MVP: Tom Brady, -250. If you’re not aware of how gambling works, this means you have to bet 250 dollars just to win 100 if Brady wins the MVP award. Seriously, if you make this bet, cut your balls off and donate them to someone who will use them, wuss. Its called gambling for a reason.
Giants/Patriots total punts vs. Erick Dampier total points: This shit always kills me. Here, you can bet on the two teams’ total punts being higher or lower in compairison to Dallas Mavericks center Erick Dampier. If you bet this, you better be either Dampier himself, a member of his family, or retarded.
Giants/Patriots total sacks vs. Spence Tollackson total points: What? Who the fuck is Spencer Tollackson? I think he’s my accountant. I know my acountant isn’t going to score any points, so I’ll take the sacks here. This might be a great bet. My accountant is like 5’6″. I didn’t think he had a team to score points for.
First coach to have a close up of his face first: I think you have to go with Belichek here. The cameras love him.
Color drink dumped on the winning head coach: Blackish (+500); Blueish (+300); Orange (+250); Redish (+200); Yellowish (+130); Other (even). People, I’m not fucking with you. This really is offered. Whats to stop a sideline attendant for the Patriots from putting some black dye in the gatorade after the game and then dropping 10 grand on ‘Blackish’? I would. Whats Belichik gonna do, fire me? I’m a fucking sideline attendent. I just won 50 large. Go fuck yourself, douchenozzle.
So yeah, betting is fun. Have fun. Go Patriots (only because I want Mercury Morris to die a total loser).
I don’t want to give too much away, but did any of you see “The Longest Yard” remake? Well…..I never bothered until TBS started playing it religiously, so let me just give you a sneak peak into practice in Arizona:
You like that, Tom?
The week after the conference championship games, otherwise known as the first week of Super Bowl hype, is arguably the worst sports week of the year. There is no football of any type this weekend for the first time since July. Baseball is still a month away from spring training. And no one gives two shits about hockey. Except for Canadians. And I’ve never gotten a comment on one of my posts from someone named Jean-Luc, so I’m not going to start discussing the advantages of the dump-and-chase strategy. No one cares.
So, since there is nothing to talk about in football or baseball, I thought I would revisit my NBA predictions from November and pick out some particularly interesting passages.
In some cases, it seems I really know my hoops. For instance:
Cleveland: I love LeBron. What he did in the postseason last year was very Jordanish. But I see a letdown for him and the Cavs this year. Its quite a burden to have to carry a team game in and game out, and after 100-plus games in 2006-07, I think the lack of depth will take its toll this year……..Not bad. At this point, the Cavs are struggling near .500 even with LeBron’s MVP-caliber campaign.
Portland: This is my big surprise. How can the worst team in the league a year ago, a team who lost number one pick Greg Oden for the season, improve this drastically? I really like Brandon Roy. I feel LaMarcus Aldridge will have an improved second season. And finally, the Blazers have decent depth and size. They could win 40-45 games and contend for the eighth playoff slot……It turns out the Blazers are even better than that to this point; they have been the hottest team in the league for over a month and currently stand one-half game out of first in their division.
The Atlantic division: I predicted the finish to go Boston, Toronto, New Jersey, Philadelphia, New York. That is exactly how it stands at this point.
In other cases, I’m a total moron who knows nothing about basketball:
New Orleans: I’ll tell you what, this might be the worst team in the league. Yes, they were close to a playoff spot in 2007, but I really don’t think the Hornets are very talented……Great call on this one. 29-12, good enough for the second-best record in the West. Yeah, and this team has no talent. That Chris Paul is really overrated. And Tyson Chandler will never put two good seasons together, back to back. Idiot.
Miami: The Diesel is pretty much finished, but he’s got enough in the tank to play 40 or so games and combine with a healthy D-Wade to contend for a top four spot in the conference….Wow, is this a bad pick. 2nd in the division and 4-5 for the conference? Ew. In case you’re not following the association this year, the Heat are 8-32 and losers of their last 14 games.
Chicago: I think the Bulls will put it together this year en route to 53-57 wins, which should be good enough to win this division. Luol Deng is ready to make the leap to one of the 10 best players in the East. If Tyrus Thomas can overcome rumors that he is in Scott Skiles’ doghouse and be a force off the bench, Chicago would be the deepest team in the division…….Oh lord. Did I really write that? I won’t go too in-depth here, because the abortion this Bulls season has become is a whole ‘nother entry in itself, but could I have been more off? This is a team that I claim to follow. I have season tickets for Christs sake! 55-57 wins huh? Try 17-24 at the halfway point.
So, there ya go. A little something to chew on. I’ll be back with a hot chick tomorrow and Super Bowl talk next week. Any suggestions for the FHC, throw them to me in the comments.