Archive for the ‘The Chargers are douchebags’ category

HHY looks at the conference championship games

January 17, 2008

I’m not keeping track of my record picking games anymore. I was barely under .500 on the regular season, and my goal was to finish .500 or better. And so far picking winners in the postseason, I’m 2-6 or 1-7. I can’t remember. (Because of an unexplained hot streak picking over-unders, I’m not getting totally killed betting during this postseason). So lets just look at the two games this weekend.

San Diego (+14) at New England–We all know my hatred for this San Diego team. Rivers, LT, Merriman, Phillips, Olshansky, Norv……I hate them all, for entirely different reasons. There hasn’t been a bigger collection of douchenozzles since the last hardawayhatesyou family reunion. That being said, Rivers is playing really well, and it seems that Norv–somehow–is making a case for being a good coach. (I can’t believe I just wrote that.)

But I don’t care how wrong I have been about the Chargers during this postseason, there is absolutely no way they beat New England on the road Sunday. Tom Brady’s boys are on a mission, and while San Diego always gives Peyton Manning and the Colts problems, Brady has never had much trouble with the Charger defense. On the other side, San Diego has a chance to score some points if LT is healthy. But this Charger team is just too banged up. Add to the already advantageous position the Pats are in, being more talented and everything–that now the Chargers are talking shit. Igor Olshansky, a word of advice: Shut up. Call Reggie Nelson after the game and talk about how Brady ‘Ain’t all that.’ But don’t anger the best team of all time before their last home game. New England 38, San Diego 17.

NY Giants (+7) at Green Bay–Like I wrote last week, I’m very happy for Eli. He’s my east coast Rex, and I will back him. Except this week. Eli and his kids don’t have a chance in hell in Lambeau. This is Brett’s year.

Breaking this down football-wise, the only way the Giants win this game is if their defensive front gets constant pressure on Favre, like they did on Romo last week. Then, Favre has to have one of his ‘I’m throwing this bad boy up for grabs’ games and he accounts for like 5 turnovers. But that isn’t going to happen. Favre is going to throw those quick little slants to Driver and Jennings to neutralize the Giants’ pass rush. The New York secondary is decimated, so much so that fucking RW McQuarters is getting quality time. Also, Ryan Grant is running well behind one of the two best offensive lines in football. On the other side, the Giants might be able to move the ball a bit, but the Packers defense is better than Dallas’, who held the Giants to 56 yards in the second half last week. The only way the Giants win (or cover) is if Brett has a 2003-2006 Brett Favre game and turns the ball over. But this is 2007 Brett Favre, and he ain’t having that in the NFC Championship game at home. Green Bay 27, NY Giants 13.

Divisional Round Breakdown (Alternative title: I’m a moron)

January 14, 2008

What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.

Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.

Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:

Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).

See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:

  • “This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
  • “Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
  • “The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
  • “An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)

And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.

New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.

I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it… much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.

San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.

Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?

But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.

NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.

Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..

……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.

walking you through a wonderful weekend of gambling

January 7, 2008

I quit betting on football a few years ago. All though college, I bet money I didn’t have and ended up having to call home for extra cash because of “an extra book for class” or because I “needed it”. Most of the time, it was because one of my locks of the week ended up getting…….I don’t know…..unlocked.

After college, I continued betting. I studied the lines like it was my career. (Actually, since I was a freelance writer for a newspaper, covering high shcool sports for 50 dollars an assignment, betting WAS my career.) Inevitably, I was down somewhere between 1000 and 2000 at the end of the year. Since I was making about 20,000 a year, this was quite steep.

So a few years ago, I decided to quit betting on football outside of the playoffs and Super Bowl. And its worked out well. I get the extra edge I used to get from gambling from fantasy football. And I save money. Everyone wins. Except my bookie.

But this year, like the previous two, I resume betting on football on Wild Card Weekend. Here’s how the 2008 start went.

Washington at Seattle: So I start off with 25 bucks on Washington plus 3, and 75 on the 1st half under, which is 19. As I’m watching the game, it becomes obvious Washington’s offense can’t do a thing. Todd Collins is under constant pressure, and even when he’s able to get a good throw off, his receivers are dropping them. While Seattle’s offense isn’t exactly tearing it up, it seems apparent they won’t have to score much to win this game. At the half, its 10-0 Seahawks and I’m already up 75. I check the site and see that the 2nd half spread is a pick em. After watching that Redskin offense in the first half, I figure they’d be lucky to score, let alone outscore Seattle in the final thirty minutes. I lay 100 on Seattle in the 2nd half. So, because I am bad at gambling, the Redskins score two touchdowns in the third quarter and then immediately get the ball again because Seattle forgets they have to field kicks in football. But apparently Shaun Suisham didn’t get the memo that Sean Taylor died, because he shanks a 30-yard field goal. From there on, the Seahawks score 22 points, including 2 interception returns for touchdowns and the Seahawks win 35-14. It was nice of them to honor Taylor’s memory by beating Washington by 21. As for me, I’m up 147.50 after one game. Sweet.

Jacksonville at Pittsburgh: I liked Pittsburgh plus 2 and a half here, so I put 50 on it and leave it at that. I know everyone and their mother was loving the Jags, but I thought it would be difficult for Jacksonville to win at Pittsburgh twice in a four-week span. And it was difficult. Great comeback by Pittsburgh, and an equally great late drive by the Jags and David Garrard, who’s 30-yard scramble on 4th-and-2 set up the game winning field goal. But I covered the spread, and that is all that matters. Even Mike Tomlin will tell you that. For the day, I’m up 197.50. Awesome.

NY Giants at Tampa Bay: Again I go against the grain. Everyone seems to feel the Giants are hot and Tampa is not. I go with the theory that Jon Gruden has had three weeks to prepare for the Giants and the Bucs are well-rested, and therefore I’m laying the points for a small 25 bucks. I am also putting another 25 on the first half under of 20.5. The Bucs go down the field late in the first quarter for an early 7-0 lead, and both bets look great. This is the last time I would be happy on this Sunday.

The Giants, from that point on, completely dominate Tampa Bay. Jeff Garcia is under constant pressure, and when he’s not, he’s throwing horrible passes. Its the worst he’s looked since his Detroit days. Meanwhile, Eli Manning is carving up the Bucs, and it has become apparent that he is unstoppable on the road. Maybe the Giants should just play all their games on the road. Just donate their 8 home games to their opponents. Eli would probably be MVP. Anyway, I lose both bets and I’m now at +142.50.

Tennessee at San Diego: Oh, fuck this game. Fuck it right in the ear. I start off with a 50 spot on the Titans plus 10. I have no faith in Norv or Philip Rivers, so I also put 25 on the Tennessee money line, at +400. (For those not familiar with gambling, this means I take the Titans–with odds–to win the game straight up. So if I lose, I drop 25; if I were to win, I get 100 bucks.) The first half is exactly how I expected–and hoped–it would go. The Titans are playing their usual boring as shit ball, just running it and playing field position. They have been able to shut down LT, and I have no doubt that Rivers will choke on his own cock in the 2nd half. Up 6-0 at the half, I see that the Titans are +9 for the second half. Even though the Chargers are a second half team, this seems like a lock.

Well, there were a few things I didn’t know. First off, Rod Bironas would miss a 30-yard field goal on the Titans’ only scoring chance of the second half. Second, the Titans’ defensive backs are fucking atrocious. With Antonio Gates out, you’d think they could stop the Chargers on 3rd-and-10 or more; you’d think wrong. Time and time again, the Charger receviers were wide open on 3rd and long plays, and eventually the Tennessee defense just didn’t have it anymore. Oh, and also, Vince Young is fucking horrible. You know how many times he tucked it and ran yesterday? Zero. None. Apparently, he thought his rocket arm and receiving corps of Justin Gage and Ben Troupe would be enough. Fuck, Vince. Run the fucking ball. And finally, the Chargers might be the biggest team of douchebags in the entire league. Philip Rivers is a whining little bitch who complains about fucking EVERYTHING. Every time they show him he’s crying to the refs or to his teammates or coaches. Just shut the fuck up and play. Its your second year in the league as a starter, douche. But its not just him. The whole Charger defense acts like they won the lottery every time they make a play. I love celebrations and hate the NFL for trying to cut down on players’ expressing themselves, but if Shawne Merriman does that stupid ass dance one more time, I’m going to kill myself. And whats up with Shaun Phillips and Luis Castillo doing the ‘kick your leg’ thing after every play? Jesus, go back to the huddle, fucksticks.

Honestly, if I had to make a list of the biggest asswipes in the NFL, I think Rivers and Merriman would definitely be in the top 10. Rodney Harrison is definitely at the top. So is Roy Williams of the Cowboys. Learn how to not horse collar, you fucking faggot. Olin Kruetz is a major shithead. Oh, and watch the Packers sometime. Focus on Nick Barnett, and how often he jumps late into piles and just acts like a total asswipe. Well, I’ve gone off on a tangent here. Sorry.

Anyway, I lose all my Sunday bets and end up at +32.50 for the weekend. Fuck the Chargers.