This shit is getting just about as old as the band thats playing in the video, but I still find it to be comedy gold. The video is from a couple months ago, but Tony and Jessie Poo went to see Metalskool again last night in Hollywood, so there you go. Honestly, if Jessica Simpson’s creep of a father approached me about having relations with his daughter, I wouldn’t even think twice. Sex with her and her gorgeous body? Flying to Mexico on daddy’s bank role when I just landed a $67 million dollar contract? No problem.
It is funny how much controversy one stupid bitch can cause a team though. Tony took his team to 12-1 and then here comes Jessica and they can’t even pull out one win in the playoffs. And folks, it wasn’t because he went to Mexico with her. The girl is from Texas and she’s a damn Cowboys fan for Christ’s sake. And he used to date Carrie Underwood, too, so fuck him. The problem is that God doesn’t want one man to have that much fun.
Tony went to Eastern Illinois, goes undrafted, and then becomes the Dallas Cowboys starting QB and earns a ridiculous contract when he hasn’t even started two full years. Why should he get to bang Jessica, no matter how many musicians (or teammates) have plowed through her, and then go on to win a Superbowl in the same year? Just doesn’t seem right. Let him do that after the Patriot have had their glory season and he’s gotten his prescription for Valtrex filled.
Wait…you didn’t think she did those commercials because she really has acne that bad, do you? Hahaha you’re stupid.
Archive for the ‘Tony Romo’ category
What an exciting week of playoff action. Lets get right to the games.
Green Bay 42, Seattle 20–What was I thinking last week when I wrote “On the field, I like the Packers’ defense to do enough to win the game. However, I like the Seahawks to cover the spread”? I don’t know. I mean, the Packers defense DID do enough to win the game. But I didn’t count on how horribly overrated the Seattle defense was. If you think about it, they looked good against a pretty bad Redskins offense. Yes, throughout the season, they applied a lot of pressure. But look at the stats. The Seahawks were actually 15th overall in the league during the regular season. They gave up over 18 points per game (not terrible, but by no means dominant). And they were only 12th in the league against the run. And what can you say about Ryan Grant? A lot of young guys would have folded up shop after fumbling twice in the first 5 minutes of your first playoff start, leading to a 14-0 deficit. But he ran wild, going for 201 yards and three scores. Great work by him and the Packers’ offensive line.
Then there was number 4. Its well-documented that I have a sixth sense for knowing when certain things have run their course. For example, in this season’s 2007 NFC North preview, I wrote this about the Green Bay Packers:
Brett Fav-ruh needs to go away. Listen, I like him. He’s a great quarterback, perhaps the best of all-time. But he’s holding this franchise back. If he has retired two years ago, the Packers would already know if Aaron Rodgers has what it takes to lead this team and would of either built around him or gone in another direction. Now, Favre and his 20 interceptions a year come back for a 17th NFL season. (Notice that no one talks about how Favre is a really unpredictable guy behind center who is holding his team back, even though he had a lower passer rating and more interceptions last year than Grossman).
See! I always know when its good to quit on things. I am also well-known for other statements, including:
“This whole Internet craze will die down.” (July 17, 1996)
“Britney Spears really has a good head on her shoulders. I think she’s got what it takes to have a long, respectable career.” (September 1, 2000)
“The reason pornography will never catch on is that people love to use their imaginations while masturbating.” (May 20, 1981)
“An underrated vacation destination: Hiroshima. Mark my words.” (August 5, 1945)
And so on. My apologies to Mr. Favre.
New England 31, Jacksonville 20–So, at this point, what will Tom Brady have to do to top himself in these last two games? Go 35-for-35 in the AFC Championship while simultaneously playing cornerback, then going 40-for-40 in the Super Bowl with 40 receptions? (Yes, he would just throw it to himself). I don’t know. But the guy just went 26-for-28, and the two incompletions were a drop by Wes Welker and a pass that went off Ben Watson’s hands which arguably could have been pass interference. The Jaguar offense played a fantastic game, and still lost by 11.
I’m relatively proud of myself concerning the Patriots. I knew really early on that this team wasn’t like the rest of the teams that threatened to go undefeated in previous years. And lets face it…..as much as I misjudged Philip Rivers and the Chargers, there is no fucking way that Norv’s Crew are going into Foxboro and winning the AFC Championship. Unless Brady dies this week. Thats the only way.
San Diego 28, Indianapolis 24–What a terrific performance by the Colts vaunted defense. Man, that Defensive Player of the Year Bob Sanders really dominated an LT-less team! And Philip Rivers sure was under constant pressure from the tough Indy front.
Really, I know it has been said ad nauseum, but how the fuck do the Colts lose that game? I know Michael Turner and Darren Sproles are nice little players, and Billy Volek is not much of a dropoff from the biggest douchebag in the league, Philip Rivers, but seriously……stop them once. Thats all you have to do. Also, this Antonio Cromartie…..holy christ. I know he’s hardly a new story–he had ten picks and an 109-yard missed field goal return this year. But I really don’t see how he isn’t the best defensive playmaker in the league. Name a defensive player that makes more plays. Do it. Name one. Hurry up. Also, the Chargers are now 14-of-25 on third down in the playoffs. 14 out of 25! Thats 56 percent! And this is without Antonio Gates for most of this time. How is this happening? How are Vincent Jackson and Chris Chambers just running free on every play?
But these fucking Chargers……seriously, has there been a bigger group of douchebags ever assembled on a football field? Probably. But why does Rivers get into a shouting match with fans or refs or opposing players every fucking week? And don’t hate me, but doesn’t LaDainian Tomlinson seem like a little bitch to everyone? I mean, maybe its just that he hates Rivers, and if that is true, then I apologize. But it seems to me that LT is a bit of a prima donna. Also, can Shawne Merriman not be an asswipe for one game? Has he forgotten that we all know he’s a steroid abuser? Or that he got his ass wiped out by Maurice Jones-Drew earlier this year? Why would anyone do a sack dance when he did one yesterday: after Peyton Manning falls on his own after a broken play, Merriman comes over, taps him (so he technically gets a sack), and then he does his ‘Lights Out’ dance? What a loser. And Shaun Phillips? Great player, tremendous douchebag. I hope the Patriots beat them 63-3 next week.
NY Giants 21, Dallas 17–How demoralizing is it when you fight for a 20-play, 95-yard drive which takes over ten minutes, finally scoring a touchdown and taking a lead, and then seeing Eli Manning carve up your defense on a 46-second scoring drive to end the half and tie the game? Pretty demoralizing, apparently. I’m really happy for Eli Manning, and I think part of it is because I am a Rex Grossman supporter. They are kind of kindred spirits, or brothers-in-arms. Both are heavily criticized, sometimes unfairly, and are treated as if they are the only quarterbacks who have bad games. (Announcers saying that someone has a ‘Rex Grossman-like performance’ or that a particualr throw is ‘Eli-esque’ is my biggest announcing pet peeve). But here Eli is, one game away from a Super Bowl, without his Pro Bowl tight end and in a season where the loss of Tiki Barber was supposed to derail the New York offense.
Kudos to the Dallas coaches to realize now that Marion Barber is three times better than Julius Jones. Since they started him in the playoff game, that must mean they know he’s better than Jones and deserving of 20+ carries a game, right? So why wait until now to do it? Also, I’m not even going to comment on this whole Romo thing, except to say that if I was told by my head coach to get away from football for a weekend to relax, and I had a chance to ‘relax’ with this……..
……lets just say I would be ‘relaxing’ ALL OVER HER. God bless you, Tony Romo.
Minnesota 34, Chicago 31–Best performance by an opposing player I’ve ever seen. Purple Jesus went off. 224 yards rushing and 3 scores, and he added a 55 yard kick return to set up Ryan Longwell’s game winning 55 yard field goal at the gun. The time when us Bears fans could rely on the defense to make plays and keep us in games no matter what is over, and the tackling of the secondary–especially Daneal Manning and Brandon McGowan–was absolutely dreadful for the second straight week. On the bright side, Devin Hester continued his dominance with an 89-yard punt return and a 81-yard touchdown reception with just over two minutes left. There have been better Bears, but Hester is by far the most exciting player to wear the uniform in my lifetime. People talk about the great Gale Sayers, and while Sayers was a better overall football player, I can’t imagine that he’s more exciting that Hester.
Cleveland 41, Miami 31–Derek Anderson is the truth, son! This situation reminds me of the Bengals a few years ago. Remember, they drafted Carson Palmer but decided to let Jon Kitna start that first year? And Kitna responded with a huge season? Well, Anderson is Jon Kitna and Brady Quinn is Carson Palmer. Anyway, the Browns seem to really have something on the offensive side of the ball, with Braylon Edwards and Kellen Winslow becoming Pro Bowl-level targets in the passing game. For the Fish, Cleo Lemon threw for 256 yards and 2 scores but it wasn’t enough as Miami fell to 0-6.
Green Bay 17, Washington 14–So I click on ESPN.com to read the box score for this game, and the Web site provides a link with one line which summarizes the game. For example, the Bears-Vikings game was something along the lines of ‘Peterson explodes as Vikings upset Bears.’ Well, the link for this game is ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ So what did Brett Favre do, you ask? 19-for-37, 188 yards, 0 touchdowns, 2 interceptions. The winning touchdown was scored by the Packer defense, a 57 yard fumble return by Charles Woodson. This is a perfect example of why non-Packer fans are fucking sick of the Favre love. He played a shitty game, the defense made a huge play to win an important game, and the media lazily puts up ‘Favre leads Green Bay to 5-1.’ Give me a fucking break.
Kansas City 27, Cincinnati 20–Apparently the Cheifs aren’t that shitty. Either that, or the Bengals are really bad. It could be both. The 2007 Heartless Pig Award might go to the Bengals defense, which week after week gets torched. Larry Johnson, previously left for dead after 5 horrid weeks, had 119 yards and a score and ensured that his fantasy owners will now keep him in the lineup for the rest of the year, thinking he is back. Marvin Lewis should go ahead and sell his home and scour for defensive coordinator positions, cuz this ship has sailed.
Philadelphia 16, NY Jets 9–Hey, Mangenious…..any time you want to get Chad Pennington the fuck out of there, Jets fans will appreciate it. The New Yorkers got 130 yards from Thomas Jones and still couldn’t score a touchdown. Meanwhile, Kevin Curtis and Wes Welker are battling for the title of Best White Receiver of the Year. Previous winners include Steve Largent, Don Beebe, and Tom Waddle.
Tampa Bay 13, Tennessee 10–I’ll tell you kids something–look at Jeff Garcia’s numbers for this season. 1188 yards passing with a 66.7 completion percentage. % touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 103.6 passer rating. Tony Romo is getting all the publicity, but Garcia is the best quarterback in the NFC right now. He might not be a fantasy superstar, but he’s getting the job done very effectively for a team which will probably win its division. If you’re Dallas or Green Bay, do you want to play the Bucs in the divisional round of the playoffs, with Garcia running around like a jackass, throwing off balance and that defense playing like it is? I wouldn’t. Meanwhile, the Titans truly suck, and if Vince Young is ever injured seriously, they’ll lose about 75 percent of their games.
Jacksonville 37, Houston 17–Wasn’t it cool at the beginning of the year, when the Texans were 2-0 and everyone was talking about them being the sleeper of 2007? Yeah, not so much. The Texans can’t stop the run, and when you’re playing Jacksonville, that’s not good. 244 yards rushing, not good. David Garrard is doing in the AFC what Jeff Garcia is in the NFC: quietly putting together a stellar, if unspectacular, season. 1069 yards passing, 66.2 completions percentage, 6 touchdowns, 0 interceptions, 104.7 rating. Meanwhile, Byron Leftwich really likes the new chicken fries from Burger King.
Baltimore 22, St. Louis 3–Lordy, are the Rams horrid. Every week, I write something small about the Ram game because I want to leave the true dissection of the team to our resident Rams fan, everyones on steroids. But it doesn’t seem as if he’s very interested in this garbage. So I’m gonna lay something out for the kids in the Lou: sit Bulger and Jackson for the rest of the season. Why bring them back now? So they can play hurt and the Rams can finish 5-11, 4-12? Please. Sit em, play some kids, finish one or two games worse than that, and get a top 5 pick. As for the Ravens, they are really boring and I hate writing about them. They had 5 interceptions on defense, and I’m guessing Willis McGahee did something.
Carolina 25, Arizona 10–Elway. Montana. Unitas. Marino. Favre. Manning. Brady. Make room, gentlemen. Vinny’s back. Testaverde blew the fuck up against the Cardinals, throwing for 206 yards and a score to lead the Panthers to a big victory on the road. It would be really awesome if Vinny was the starter for the rest of the year. Why not? What, Carolina should be anxious to throw David Carr back in there? Please, he blows. On the other side, Tim Rattay rallied the Cardinals after Kurt Warner hyperextended his elbow. Rallied them to 159 yards and 3 interceptions. After the game, Rattay looked at the stat sheet, saw he got monster-fucked by a 44 year old dude who wasn’t even in the league last week, and hung himself.
New England 48, Dallas 27–I didn’t even know these two teams were playing this week. You would think that two 5-0 teams matching up would of had more of a build up. Anyway, the Patriots will probably go 16-0 if they stay healthy. Since the Pats and Cowboys will probably represent their conferences in the Super Bowl, we already know that New England will blow out the Cowboys in February. So, on October 15, the season is over. Fuck you, Dreamboat.
San Diego 28, Oakland 14–LT got the ball. He ran for 200 yards and 4 touchdowns. Wow. Look what happens when you give the best player the fucking ball. Thanks Norv; you owe me 500 dollars. (Suicide pool pot that I lost when picking SD a few weeks back).
New Orleans 28, Seattle 17–This was one of the worst coached games I have ever seen. Mike Holmgren should be fired after this season. The Seahawk playcalling was horrible. In the 4th quarter, here are some of the calls Holgren made: 4th and 3, called timeout and then ran a draw–with the fullback–and gained 1 yard; team scored to make it 28-17, kicked an onsides kick with over 7 minutes left in the game–kick failed; with under 2 minutes left, facing a 4th and 9 on the Saints’ 20, decided to go for it instead of kicking the field goal to cut it to 8 and then trying an onsides kick. You need 3 anyway, Mike…..why not get it now instead of trying a 4th and 9? Fucking moron. Go comb your walrus mustache.
Green Bay 31, San Diego 24–Brett Favre is playing like he’s ten years younger and the Packers are off to a 3-0 start. Down 21-17 with under five minutes left, the Packers drove down the field, setting up a 4th-and-inches from just outside the goal line. For some reason, they spread it out to a 5-receiver shotugn formation, and Favre’s pass was incomplete. But Brett took the Packers’ coaching staff off the hook with a great final two minutes, throwing a perfect slant to Greg Jennings which he took the distance to give the Pack the lead. Nick Barnett then picked off a pass on the ensuing Charger possession and returned it inside the San Diego five to set up the clinching score by Brandon Jackson. With the superb play of Favre and a tough defense, the Packers have proven themselves the team to beat in the NFC North so far.
Kansas City 13, Minnesota 10–I really don’t have much to say about this game. Adrian Peterson looks like the real deal. But until the Vikes get a passing game, they’re not going to score a lot of points. On the other side, Dwayne Bowe has been impressive in his first few NFL games, and he caught a game-winning touchdown pass with under ten minutes remaining.
New England 38, Buffalo 7–The Patriots continue their early dominance and Dick Jauron inches closer to unemployment. Randy Moss has five touchdowns in three games, and the Patriot defense, playing without standout safety Rodney Harrison, looks outstanding. Its very early, and a lot of things can happnen, but at this point New England is easily the best team in football.
NY Jets 31, Miami 28–A matchup of 0-2 teams netted a pretty high-scoring game, as the Jets held on to beat the fish. The score made it look closer than it actually was, as New York led 31-13 with 9 minutes left. The Dolphins outgained the Jets 424 to 259, but a Leon Washington 98 yard kick return was key to the New York win. Trent Green (318 yards) and Ronnie Brown (211 total yards, 3 TD) led Miami, but the inability to stop the Jets running game killed any chance for a road victory.
Philadelphia 56, Detroit 21–Racists everywhere ridiculed Donovan McNabb after this game for not scoring 60 points. In reality, McNabb threw for 381 yards–322 to Kevin Curtis and Brian Westbrook. The score was 42-21 at halftime, and seemingly over. The Lions defense will look to rebound next week against an atrocious Bears offense.
Pittsburgh 37, San Francisco 16–The Steelers look like a top 3 NFL team right now, as Willie Parker ran for 133 yards in the win. Pittsburgh has only given up 26 points in 3 games thus far, and Ben Roethlisberger is playing extremely well to this point. The Niners got nothing from Alex Smith or Frank Gore, and a little shine from their 2-0 start was taken away after this loss.
Tampa Bay 24, St. Louis 3–The Rams are in real trouble as they got spanked by the Bucs down in Florida. Marc Bulger had his worst game in a long time, throwing for under 120 yards. Steven Jackson went over 100 yards for the first time this year, but a lack of a passing game hurt the Lou. For the Bucs, Earnest Graham scored two times to lead a strong rushing attack which picked up 182 yards. Some dude named Ruud had 11 tackles and a pick for Tampa, and Jeff Garcia celebrated by watching ‘Steel Magnolias’ and having a good cry.
Baltimore 26, Arizona 23–The ravens continue to prove to be one of the worst good teams in NFL history. They always have quarterback issues, a somewhat solid running game, bad receivers and a good defense. They’re really boring to watch, yet they’re in the playoffs all the time. They’re like the AFC Chicago Bears. Anyway, Kurt Warner put down the clipboard and led the Cardinals back from a 23-6 defecit to tie the game, but a last second Matt Stover field goal won it for Baltimore.
Indianapolis 30, Houston 24–This is almost a moral victory for the Texans, who without their best player, Andre Johnson, played the defending champs very close but were unable to pull off the win at home. Peyton Manning had a ho-hum 20 for 29 day, throwing for 279 yards. But he only had one touchdown. What a scrub. Special shout out to Colts corner Marlin Jackson, who had 15 tackles. 15 tackles for a corner? Who was keeping the stats, Marlin’s momma? Anyway, the Texans look much improved but the Colts have to feel good at 3-0, including two road division wins.
Jacksonville 23, Denver 14–I’m beginning to think Mike Shanahan is a really overrated coach. Yes, he has two titles. But he also had the best quarterback, best running back, best offensive line, great receivers, perhaps the best tight end and an underrated defense on those teams. Remember, this dude traded Clinton Portis because anyone could be a star runner in his system, and he then drafted Maurice Clarett in the third round. Now, the Broncos are two last second field goals away from being 0-3. The Jags dominated time of possession by holding the ball for almost 39 minutes, beating Denver at their own game.
Oakland 26, Cleveland 24–So last week, the Broncos called a late timeout just before the Raiders attempted a game winner, making them try the same kick twice. On the second attempt, they missed the field goal and the Broncos went on to win. Sunday, the Browns lined up for a game winning field goal and made it, but the Raiders called timeout just before the kick, forcing the Browns to kick again. On their second attempt, the Raiders blocked it and held on for the win. (That make sense?). Anyway, look for whoever is playing the Browns next week to get the same crap pulled on them en route to a Cleveland late victory.
Seattle 24, Cincinnati 21–These are, like, the same team. Good offenses, soft defenses. But Seattle was at home, so they won by 3. Ya know how they say if two teams are even, the home field advatage is worth three points. Here you go. Look at this game, and the Jets-Miami game. And the Kansas City-Minnesota game. Anyway, Nate Burleson caught a late touchdown and the Seahawks are 2-1.
Carolina 27, Atlanta 20–Joey Harrington blew the fuck up, son. It didnt matter. Carolina continues to be consistently inconsistent, if that makes sense. Steve Smith gets one catch, yet they score 27 points. Whatever.
NY Giants 24, Washington 17–The Giants came back from a 17-3 defecit to win their first game of the year. Plaxico Burress made a spectacular catch and run to give New York their 7 point lead, which would eventually be the difference. But Joe Gibbs might be more of a difference maker in this game than Burress. With little time left, the Redskins faced a 3rd and goal on the Giants 2. Gibbs then took over the playcalling duties from offensive coordinator Al Saunders and called two running plays for Ladell Betts, both of which were stuffed to give the Giants the win. With a mobile quarterback like Jason Campbell, to not call at least one playaction or run/pass option play in those last two is just insane. I understand you’re Joe Gibbs and you run the ball, but a stretch play on the goalline is not the call to make down 7 on 4th down. On the bright side for Washington, Campbell looks like he’s really maturing into a solid NFL signal caller.
Dallas 34, Chicago 10–Holy Christ. 3-3 at halftime. 10-10 with 5 minutes left in the third quarter. From then on, it got real dirty. And not dirty in the Christina Aguilera, sexy slut kind of way. I mean ugly. I’ve been a Rex defender for the last year-plus; but he’s playing worse now that he did late last year and even in the Super Bowl. I think you have to make a change. But the real problem here is that changing the quarterback is not going to save this offense. The front line has been brutal for three games. Olin Kruetz has proven to be really overrated. Guys just run through him and he’s good for one personal foul a game, at least. Cedric Benson sucks. I was really wrong about this guy. I thought trading Thomas Jones was a solid move. Benson showed flashes of greatness last year and I thought he deserved a chance to carry the load, but so far this year, when he has gotten the touches, he’s looked shaky. He has also fumbled in key situations twice already this year. Bernard Berrian is dropping the ball. Muhsin Muhammed is the most overpaid player in the NFL. Seriously, he’s worthless. He gets open like 3 times a game, and out of those three times he drops the ball at least once. Ron Turner is having a horrid first three games. the Bears are down 20-10 last night with 10 minutes left. They need a nice, sustained drive which gets at least 3 points. You have a quarterback who has shaky confidence. Do you run the ball on first down? No. Do you throw a screen, hitch, or slant to give Rex the optimum chance of completing a pass? No. you run a two-receiver route, with one guy running a flag route twenty yards downfield. The guy is triple-covered, and it gets picked off and returned for a touchdown.
So, to recap, other than the quarterback, running back, wide receivers, playcalling and offensive line, the Bears offense is looking really good. The Cowboys offense, on the flip side, is beastly. Tony Romo is running around making plays, and John Madden says Romo reminds him of Favre. Since Favre might be retiring soon, Madden needs a quarterback who’s balls he’s gonna caress during every game. looks like the EIU product is the leader in the clubhouse. Marion barber is an absolute killer. He might be best running back not getting the majority of his team’s carries in NFL history. Seriously, he just trucks people. And TO was open all day, just manhandling the Bears secondary.
- Devin Hester is the most exciting Bears player since Walter Payton. I have no idea why any NFL coach would EVER kick him the ball. Maybe you want to kick him the ball once, to see how things go. Like the Colts did last year. But I have no clue how you can kick him the ball, watch him run through your special teams, then continue to kick him the ball. Herman Edwards watched Hester bring back a 73-yard punt in the early 2nd quarter, then kicked to him about 5 or 6 more times. Hester was one broken tackle and one block in the back penalty from three kick returns for touchdowns. Three. In one game. If I’m Dallas next week, I’ll kick it out of bounds on kickoffs and let the Bears putrid offense try from the 40 every time. And on punts, I’d never kick to him. Ever.
- Herman Edwards is a horrible NFL coach. If he had some balls and didn’t call draw plays on every 3rd and more than 6, the Chiefs might have had a chance to score more than 10 points. Also, if he had kicked away from Hester during the game, the score is probably 10-10.
- I’m a Rex backer. And yes, the offensive line has stunk and the receivers are bad. But he has sucked for two straight weeks. The two interceptions he threw yesterday were atrocious. Even with guys in his face all day and bad receivers, Rex has to control the ball.
- On the other hand, Rex cannot win with Bears fans unless he goes 25-for-28 with 410 yards and 5 touchdowns. After throwing his second interception yesterday, Rex had a couple plays were his receivers were totally covered, and instead of trying to force the ball in, he threw it away. Which is what you’re supposed to do up 10 with 4 minutes left. But when he does, the crows goes nuts and boos thinking he was trying to throw it to the receiver but just missed because he sucks. So if he tries to make plays and force the pass in, he sucks. If he plays it safe and throws it away, he sucks. My fellow Bears fans, on the whole, are not smart. That being said, Rex has to be smarter. With the defense and Hester, all he has to do is be careful.
- I can’t do 8 hours of tailgating anymore. We got there at 730 am for a 315 pm start. Thats just too much. It was a great day. 70 degrees, sunny, not a cloud in the sky. But I woke up sore today. It was like I played the game. From now on, only 2 or 3 hours of tailgating is fine.
- Unless the offense can take care of the ball and they get pressure on Tony Romo, the Cowboys are going to beat the Bears next week.