Posted tagged ‘Kim kardashian’

Breaking it Down the Only Way I Know How

March 18, 2008

There are roughly 10 million blogs on these here interwebs; approximately 5 million of those will have some sort of breakdown of the upcoming NCAA tournament. Some will go with a serious, statistically based breakdown of each team, game, or region. Some will take a more comedic approach to their analysis. Some of these might even succeed at making their readers chuckle once or twice.

Me? I’m not that talented of a writer. But I do enjoy looking at beautiful women. So I’ve decided to compare some of the tournament’s favorites to the female celebrity they most resemble.

East Region
North Carolina: pre-pregnancy Jessica Alba–As the number one overall seed, the Tar Heels are the consensus best team in the country. In that same vain, you cannot find a heterosexual male on the planet who doesn’t think that Jessica Alba is smoking hot. However, not that many people are picking UNC to go all the way; hence, not many guys would tell you Jessica Alba is the hottest woman alive.
Tennessee: Christina Aguilera–The Volunteers play a fast, up-tempo, pressurized, “in-your-face” type of game. They are also very athletic and deep. X-Tina’s sluttiness is equally “in-your-face” and she is very athletic. She could also be deep. I don’t know. The Vols are a sexy pick in the brackets, as would Christina be in the hot chick tournament.
Notre Dame: Ashlee Simpson–The Irish have two solid players, but to be honest, when tested on the road and in big games, they have not come through. Ashlee is definitely cute, but she’s not good looking enough or talented enough to be considered in the same league as other women.
Indiana: Lindsay Lohan–With all of the controversy surrounding the Hoosiers and ex-coach Kelvin Sampson, its any wonder they haven’t completely fell apart. However, they are the most talented team in the Big Ten and if they can get their act together, could definitely make some noise in the brackets. Lindsay is out from under her crazy coach mother, and is escaping from the controversy surrounding her to show off her many talents.

Midwest Region
Kansas: Laetitia Casta–The Jayhawks are almost always a top seed in the tournament, and this year is no different, as perhaps Bill Self’s most talented team tries to take him to his first Final Four. Casta has been around forever, and despite being ridiculously hot, no one ever mentions her as one of the hottest women in the world anymore.
GeorgetownKerry Washington–Yeah, thats right…..I picked a black chick for Georgetown. So what? That doesn’t make me a racist.
Wisconsin: Kirsten Dunst–The Badgers are boring but oddly effective. Kirsten Dunst is the most unattractive chick that a lot of guys think is hot in the history of the world. Seriously, I don’t get it……much like I don’t get how the Badgers are a top ten team in the country. (Also, the pic linked here is the only one of KD in the last ten years that can be classified as ‘hot’)
Davidson: Michelle Lombardo–Davidson seems to be the popular sleeper this year, and I agree. I think they have as good a chance as any double-digit seed to make the Sweet 16. Michelle is my new favorite hot chick that no one really knows about. In fact, look for her on Friday.

South Region
Memphis: Kim Kardashian–The Tigers are a great team. They only have one loss all year, and that was to the number one team in the country at that time. They could easily win the title, but they have one major flaw: free throw shooting. Kim K has ridiculous curves, a beautiful face, and seems to have no problem with taping herself having sex. However, she also has one major flaw……she may have been peed on by a third-rate R&B singer.
Texas: Scarlett Johannsen–The Longorns, and Scarlett, are a very solid pick with people in the know. They are playing well right now; she is looking good right now. The Horns have a recent history of hoops success; Scarlett has a recent history of being successful in making me erect.
Stanford: Rachel McAdams–The Cardinal are a few tough breaks away from being the best team in the Pac-10 and a probable number one seed. They are one of the scariest teams in the tournament and will be respected by everyone they play. McAdams is one big forehead away from being the hottest chick to come out of ‘Mean Girls’ and is thought of very highly by hot chick analysts/perverts everywhere.
Pittsburgh: Katherine Heigl–The Panthers are a very trendy pick after winning the Big East tournament, and are definitely capable of winning the region and advancing to the Final Four. However, simply put, they are not that good. Katherine is one of the hottest actresses out there right now, starring in one of the highest-rated shows on network TV and some very popular films of late. But when you really look at her……she’s not that hot.
Kentucky: Ashley Judd–Just because she would want it that way.

West Region
UCLA: Jessica Biel–Everyone agrees that the Bruins are a very good team who should ride its experience and talent all the way through the region and into the Final Four. Those same people agree that Jessica Biel is ridiculously hot and will ride her unreal ass and sick body throughout a fine career.
Duke: Paris Hilton–The Blue Devils are one-dimensional, overrated, get too much publicity, and everyone hates them. Paris is all of these things, except for the one-dimensional part……she’s still looking for a dimension.
Xavier: Diora Baird–Casual fans might say ‘Who?’ or ‘How can a virtual unknown get that high of a seed?’. Those who truly follow the game know how balanced and highly talented Xavier/Diora are.
Purdue: Hayden Panettiere–Very talented, but much too young to make noise in the tournament.

So, there you go. Feel free to come up with your own in the comments.

Friday Hot Chicks: Hot Asses Edition

March 14, 2008

“When I think of asses, a woman’s ass, something comes out of me.”–Vincent Hanna, ‘Heat’

Me too, Vince. Today’s FHC is dedicated to those women around the world with nice, round asses.  And to the ones with cute, little bubble butts. I like ’em all.

**–Mayra Veronica
**–Vida Guerra
**–Kim Kardashian
**–Sophia Castello (NSFW)
**–Kate Hudson
**–Old School Jennifer Lopez
**–Kate Beckinsale
**–Jessica Biel

I’m sure I missed some. I could of put up about 20 more porn stars with nice asses, but I don’t want to attract the wrong element* to this fine, upstanding website.

(*–This refers to the feds; not perverts–those are my people.)

NWMJ Mock Draft Version 1.0

March 12, 2008

I’m bored as shit, and I refuse to talk about March Madness until Monday when there is something to be ‘mad’ about; getting pumped about Syracuse-Villanova on a Wednesday morning seems silly and desperate. I’ll leave that to the four-letter network. I then thought about posting a mid-week hot chick, but then I realized that would ruin the happiness of Friday. I will, however, provide you with a picture of celebrity whore/actual slut Kim Kardashian, who despite her lack of morals (or partly because of them), has the perfect body for HHY’s fantasies.

Kim_Kardashian

Now that is out of the way, lets get to the NFL Draft, where every year I wait with bated breath for two to six hours only to watch the Bears either draft some safety from a Division II school or trade out of the first round. But despite this constant abuse, I come back for more. Here is my first mock draft of the season (expect a few more if I feel the need):

1) Miami: Jake Long, T, Michigan–Some people say Matt Ryan is the choice, but I haven’t seen anything out of the guy to make me believe he’s worthy of the top overall pick. The trendy choice here, at least lately, has been Virginia’s Chris Long, but I don’t buy that, either. I think in his first major personnel move with the Fish, Parcells will look to shore up the left tackle position for a decade.
Jake_Long
2) St. Louis: Chris Long, DE, Virginia–This move immediately shores up the Rams defense a bit. Also, it may allow the team to either cut Leonard Little or have him whacked. I’d be fine with the latter.
3) Atlanta: Matt Ryan, QB, Boston College–Seems like a very logical move here. The Falcons could start him immediately, or let him sit behind the newly re-signed Joey Harrington for a few weeks.
4) Oakland: Darren McFadden, RB, Arkansas–If the first three picks fall this way, there is no way the Raiders could fuck this up. Not even Al Davis.
5) Kansas City: Ryan Clady, T, Boise State–All of the Chiefs’ success in the late 90s and early aughts were based on a strong offensive line; recently, the team’s front five has been atrocious. The team begins building the front back up with the second-best tackle in the draft.
6) NY Jets: Glenn Dorsey, DT, LSU–The Jets will jump all over Dorsey at 6, unless some news comes out that his injury is worse than previously thought. They need defensive line help, and the best d-lineman in the draft could be sitting there.
7) New England: Dominique Rodgers-Cromartie, CB, Tennessee St–Cromartie will step right into the vacated slot of Asante Samuel. If the Pats get half the big plays this guy’s cousin Antonio is capable of, they’ll be happy with the selection.
8) Baltimore: Malcolm Kelly, WR, Oklahoma–If Ryan is off the board, the Ravens might address their passing game at receiver, where Kelly might be the best player available. Others are saying the Ravens will go with a corner or linebacker here, but I feel they need another playmaker to go with Willis McGahee.
9) Cincinnati: Sedrick Ellis, DT, USC–With a couple of good defensive players staring them in the face, I think the Bengals will choose the tackle from Southern Cal who had 8.5 sacks last year and played for four years in the most talent-laden program in the country.
10) New Orleans: Leodis McKelvin, CB, Troy–McKelvin is a cover corner who can return kicks and will fit right in as a starter for the secondary-challenged Saints.
11) Buffalo: Keith Rivers, LB, USC–The Bills could go with about 6 different positions here, but I’ll go with Rivers as the pick.
12) Denver: Chris Williams, T, Vanderbilt–I’m tempted to have Shanahan take a running back here, mostly because he’s a crazy douchebag. But if I believe everything I read about Williams, he seems like a pretty nice fit for the Broncos and what they want to do up front.
13) Carolina: Vernon Gholston, DE, Ohio State–The Panthers will be tempted to go with a skill position here, but if Gholston is available, they’ll snag him right up. With Gholston on one side and Julius Peppers on the other, even a concussed Dan Morgan could make plays.
14) Chicago: Rashard Mendenhall, RB, Illinois–I was really torn here, like I was making the pick. I realize that no matter who is carrying the ball, the Bears need offensive linemen first and foremost. But I also believe Mendenhall is a feature back who can tote the rock 300-plus times in this league, and those don’t come around every day (see Cedric Benson). The Bears can address the line in rounds 2 through 7.
Rashard_Mendenhall
15) Detroit: Philip Merling, DE, Clemson–Could Matt Millen grab another receiver? Probably not this year, although a certain running back from Oregon could be grabbed here. I’ll go with Merling, however, a guy I had never heard of until last week who seems to be a solid, if not spectacular player. This could be a bit high for him, but this is the Lions. So who knows.
16) Arizona: Jonathan Stewart, RB, Oregon–The Edge (James, not the guy from U2) might not like this pick, but if the Cards make it, Stewart will be getting the bulk of carries by November.
17) Minnesota: Derrick Harvey, DE, Florida–With the running game solved on both sides of the ball, the Vikings now try to excel in the passing game on both sides. With the signing of Bernard Berrian, the team finally has a deep threat who can actually catch the ball (I’m looking at you, Williamson). And if they choose Harvey, and he can use that Metrodome turf to his speedy advantage, look out. This could be the steal of the draft.
18) Houston: Jeff Otah, T, Pitt–The Texans need a left tackle and Otah has played mostly right, but at this point passing on a guy like this seems silly. He would be the best player on the board at a position of need.
19) Philadelphia: DeSean Jackson, WR, Cal–The Eagles will get a better player at 19 this year than the Dolphins got at 9 last year. Jackson would instantly provide the team with a playmaker at wide receiver, something they haven’t had since…….Mike Quick? I’m not sure. Maybe Harold Carmichael. Also, this move allows the Eagles to put a potentially deadly return man back on punts, as well.
20) Tampa Bay: Limas Sweed, WR, Texas–This guy really intrigues me. Not just because of his talent, which I’m not sure about, but because some people have him going as high as 6, while others have him not even in the first round. All I know is that he is a big guy with good speed, and the Bucs’ best receiver–Joey Galloway–is 64 years old.
21) Washington: Calais Campbell, DE, Miami–I was tempted to go with Mario Manningham or Kenny Phillips here, but I think Campbell is the safe choice. This pick would provide G-Money and his Skins an edge rusher for the first time since the Dexter Manley days.
22) Dallas: Felix Jones, RB, Arkansas–After all the rumors about Silly Double-J trading up to get an Arkansas running back, it will turn out that he will stay put and get one anyway. Jones would be a solid compliment to Marion Barber and a great replacement for Julius Jones.
23) Pittsburgh: Gosder Cherilus, T, Boston College–Gosder Cherilus? Seriously? Playing for the Steelers? Why not. I think the Steelers have to go offensive line, especially after losing Alan Faneca to the Jets. I was thinking about the top guard on the board here, but I figure its more likely they take a tackle who’s stock is on the rise.
24) Tennessee: Aqib Talib, CB, Kansas–Which player in the NWMJ mock draft will have the most trouble getting through airport security? Its this guy, who the Titans will select to put the final nail in the Pacman coffin.
Aqib_Talib
25) Seattle: Brandon Albert, G, Virginia–If the Steelers don’t take Albert, the Seahawks should. It would solidify a line which will have Maurice Morris, Julius Jones, and TJ Duckett running behind it next year. You better open up some holes.
26) Jacksonville: Justin King, CB, Penn State–I really have no idea what the Jags are doing this offseason. The trade for Troy Williamson just baffles me. They know he can’t catch, right? And they gave up a 6th rounder for him? Anyway, King will add to an already solid Jacksonville secondary. Also look for a wide receiver here.
27) San Diego: Mike Jenkins, CB, South Florida–The Chargers might be the most talented team in the league, so they should just take the best player available, which at this point is Jenkins. If he matures, a one-two punch of Antonio Cromartie and Jenkins would be tough.
28) Dallas: Kenny Phillips, S, Miami–Solid pick here. Maybe Phillips can teach Roy Williams how to tackle someone like a professional instead of a 11 year old sissy.
29) San Francisco: Jerod Mayo, LB, Tennessee–The Niners continue to work on their defense with this selection. Mayo could be the best linebacker in the draft.
30) Green Bay: Brian Brohm, QB, Louisville–Look at me, throwing a little curve ball in here! I’m not sure if the Packers would want to bring a first round chosen quarterback in the same year Favre retires, but if they do, Brohm could be a solid selection. (Side note: remember a month or so ago, when Matt Ryan, Brohm, and Andre Woodson were all top-10 selections? Now you can’t find the last two guys in any mock draft. Know why? All mock draft makers are morons. Myself included.)
Brian_Brohm
31) NY Giants: Dan Connor, LB, Penn State–In need of a replacement for Kawika Mitchell, the world champs get Andy Katzenmoyer’s more talented twin.