Down with FCC, yeah you know me

Don’t ask me why the FCC would sensor this, but for some reason they did. Its not all that funny, but it was better than at least two-thirds of the rest of the commercials that aired. And think about how much money they had to pay someone to write that ad, consult with lawyers to make sure it would be okay to do so, yadda yadda yadda, and then they can’t run it because America saw 1/8th of a second of Janet Jackson’s nipple on television.

Meanwhile, 12 year old boys everywhere can jump online and browse hundreds of hours of porn at their leisure. Every teenage girl/actress/singer is a whore or at least pretending to be one. And we just gave an Oscar to an ex-stripper and a girl who has gotten naked more times on film than I have in the past 15 years. What does this have to do with sports you ask? Just that it was banned during the Super Bowl. And I wanted to reminisce on 2004. So there.

The Real Top 20

People slave over a hot stove every year to compile preseason top 20s in both college basketball and football. In the end, what do these lists matter? Sure, they help determine the eventual champion, especially in football. (I mean, if you’re not in the top 10 at the beginning of the year in football, you’re not going to win the title. Even if you go 12-0.) But in the grand scheme of things, half the teams ranked in these lists end up sucking. And teams not even thought of as a contender end up killing it and becoming a strong contender.

So lets stop with the top 20s for college sports. Lists are for expressing opinion and allowing blog writers like myself to get a maximum number of hits while shelling out minimal work. Add hot women and pictures to this list? GOLD, JERRY……GOLD.

So, in that vain, I have compiled the Top 20 Hotties of 2008. This list is based solely on my opinion. Also, you have to be relatively relevant; I’m sure some girl you saw while watching a Lifetime movie with your girl is hotter than Jessica Alba….shit, the girl in my office that sits kitty korner from me is ridiculously hot, and if she was famous, might be on this list. Unfortunately, no one knows her name. And there are no pictures of her on the interwebs. Believe me……I checked.

20) Halle Berry–Pregnant, and over 40, but still smoking hot. Anyone without Halle in their top 20 is a racist. There. I said it. It needed to be said.

19) Megan Fox–Let me say that Ms. Fox might be Top-3 worthy if she didn’t have so many stupid ass tattoos.

18) Mayra Veronica–I don’t know what Mayra does. She’s Spanish. Or Brazilian. Or something weird. But my oh my.

 17) Anne Hathaway–She was number 8 on my list in August, and while I’m sure she hasn’t lost any hotness in 5 months, when you expand the list to 20, one notices some girls that need some recognition. So by no fault of her own, Anne drops to 17.

16) Eva Mendes–I like Eva, but this is for my guy who has been begging for love for his number one.

15) Keeley Hazell–There are a ton of UK busty beauties, but Keeley gets the nod because she has a prettier face and a sex tape.

14) Aishwarya Rai–I’ve been aware of Ash (thats what I call her), but I never gave her full props. Yes, props. Its 1996.

13) Sofia Vergara–See the latest ‘Friday Hot Chicks’.

 12) Lindsay Lohan–Oh Lindsay. You keep fighting it. I see you with other guys. Yes, all of them. Settle down already. Or release a sex tape. One of the two.

11) Kim Kardashian–As you can see, I am a fan of those ladies who feel that a bunch of strangers watching them have sex isn’t a big deal. Nice pull Reggie Bush. Enjoy your herpes. Anyhoo…..she’s a slut, but she’s unbelievably hot. I don’t care what you think of me.

10) Gabrielle Union–Am I late to the Gabrielle party? I don’t give a shit.

9) Jessica Alba–Jessica has gone from my number one to somewhere around 3 to number 9 now. The reason? She’s getting too damn skinny. There aren’t many spinners on my list. So, my hope for 2008 is that Jessica’s pregnancy packs on a few permanent pounds on her.

8. Rosario Dawson–Rosario might be a top 3 candidate if she didn’t fuck around with her hair. I swear, sometimes she looks like Chuck Klosterman up in this mother fucker.

7) Roselyn Sanchez–Yes, Neil…..she’s hotter than Eva.

6) Marisa Miller–I mean…..I have no words. At this point in the countdown, if you’re really doubting the top-ten worthiness of a Marisa Miller, I want you to slit your own throat. If you don’t want to die, donate your penis to science or someone who will use it.

5) Christina Aguilera–X-Tina will always be my favorite skank. Sure, she’s respectable, married, and about to pop out a kid. She’ll always be durty to me.

4) Stacy Keibler–Legs. Ass. Blond. If she had a smidgen of talent, she might be president.

3) Jessica Biel–Lately, I’ve noticed that last year’s number two has been looking a little too buff. But the thing about Jessica is, she’s looked smoking hot–undeniably–for about ten years. She was cutesy hot on 7th Heaven–not that I ever saw that show. Then she did that Gear magazine shoot and was REALLY hot in ‘Rules of Attraction’ with Dawson and his creek. And now she look like……this.

2) Diora Baird–They’re real. End of story.

1) Scarlett Johannsen–Did you really wonder who it was going to be? ScarJo has EVERYTHING I love…..nice lips, sexy voice, curves, and what seems to be a bit of a personality. Anyone who says she’s not hot is wrong. No, beauty is not subjective. If you don’t think Scarlett is hot, theres something wrong with you.

 

week 15 roundup (and a hot chick for monday)

I’m excited to write this week’s roundup. A lot of things to get off my chest. Also, since I forgot to give everyone a Friday hot chick last week, I’ll throw a little something down towards the end of the post for all you Salma Hayek fans. (Also, fuck the Thursday and Saturday games; they were both horrible).

Tennessee 26, Kansas City 17–So, last week I decide that Vince Young sucks and the next week he throws for 191 yards, 2 touchdowns and no picks in the win. I think we can all agree that the Chiefs have packed it in and are preparing for 2008. They’ve been a distracted team all year, mostly because of the argument which is tearing the team apart: who has the hotter wife–Tony Gonzalez (October) or Brodie Croyle (Kelli)? The correct answer is number 88.

Cleveland 8, Buffalo 0–A recurring theme you will find in this week’s post is your esteemed writer bitching about his fantasy football team. I played my semifinal game this week, and although I am currently winning by 7, my opponent has the Minnesota defense tonight. So thats not good. Why am I mentioning that now? Because of the fucking blizzard in Cleveland, which caused Braylon Edwards to only get 4 catches for 64 yards all day. Fuck snow.

Tampa Bay 37, Atlanta 3–How does a franchise go 31 years without returning one kickoff for a touchdown? Not one? Well, Michael Spurlock ended the Bucs’ national nightmare by bringing one to the house. On the other side, it seems Bobby Petrino was doing a hell of a job for Atlanta before leaving this week. I’m sure if he was prowling the sidelines, the Falcons would of lost by less than 30. And if you’re a Falcon fan, kill yourself what else can you ask for?

Carolina 13, Seattle 10–This is the worst loss of the season. By any NFL team. Yes, Seattle is already in the playoffs. I understand they weren’t playing for anything other than the 3 slot in the postseason. But Carolina was playing some of the worst football in the league. They were 1-5 at home coming into this game. The Panthers started some dude named Matt Moore at quarterback. And the Seahawks lost. Also, someone please tell me why Shaun Alexander is getting any carries for the Seahawks? Here are his rush yards the last 7 games: 25, 35, 47, 32, 65, 38, 17. Sunday, he had a 20-yard run and ended up with…….17 yards. So his 6 other carries he had negative 3 yards. Christ.

Jacksonville 29, Pittsburgh 22–Right now, the Jaguars seem like the 5th-best team in the league and the most likely ‘dark horse’ in the AFC. They run the ball well, play good defense, and have a quarterback who minimizes mistakes. The prevailing thought right now is that they have the best chance of derailing the Patriots, outside of a healthy Colts squad. But here’s the thing–this win isn’t as impressive to me. The Steelers do not look very strong the last few weeks. Also, keep in mind that the Jags have always been a team who beats who they are supposed to beat, but once they play the upper-echelon teams, they get spanked. We’ll see in January.

Green Bay 33, St. Louis 14–The Packers jump to 12-2 behind the arm of Brett Favre and strong performance by their defense. Who didn’t play well for the Packers? Ryan Grant. Last week, I called him a God for blowing up in the first week of the fantasy playoffs. This week, I call him a mark-ass trick for rushing for only 55 yards and fumbling against a 3-11 team. Sure, he scored a touchdown, but I expect more from a Ryan Grant. Meanwhile, Marc Bulger set the NFL record for most pass attempts in a game by a NFL quarterback who doesn’t know his own name due to symptoms related to concussion. Way to go, Marc!

Miami 22, Baltimore 16–Well, its official: Brian Billick is the worst coach in the NFL. Seriously. Think about Billick’s career–he’s named an ‘offensive genius’ in Minnesota as offensive coordinator, even though 90 percent of their offense in the mid to late 90s was throwing a screen to Robert Smith, an out to Cris Carter, or a jump ball to Randy Moss. He gets to Baltimore, wins a title with one of the three best defenses of all time, and since then has won maybe one playoff game (I don’t want to do the research to find out exactly how many). Sure, you could say I would be dancing on the Dolphins’ grave if Matt Stover had simply hit a 40-yarder in OT. So this game can’t be Billick’s fault. And you’d be right. But fuck that, I don’t like Brian Billick so I blame this game on him. So there.

New England 20, NY Jets 10–I was really impressed by the Jets. I thought they would play the Pats ‘tough’, that is, hold them to around 40 points. But I never in a million years would have thought that the Jets defense would hold New England’s offense to 6 points (2 field goals; the first TD was scored by the Pats defense…..the second TD was created by a blocked punt which put NE on the NY 2). It still wasn’t enough, and the Patriots are 14-0. Hey Mercury Morris…….are they ‘on your block’ now, you fucking overrated asswipe? Look out yer window, you fucking felon. Thats Tom Brady fucking his Brazilian supermodel girlfriend on a pile of money in your front yard.

New Orleans 31, Arizona 24–2 heartless, heartless teams battle in a place where a bunch of people starved and died about 2 years ago. Is there a more depressing game this week? Probably not. So what better than a nice big ass to make everyone feel better? Thanks Vida.

Indianapolis 21, Oakland 14–A special thank you goes out to Joseph Addai and the Colts offensive coaching staff from my fantasy team and I. Addai has been my number one back all year. I picked him in the 5th slot. I loved him all year. He has produced. Can’t really complain about his season, outside of a few games where he failed to put up 10 points. Going into this week, he looked like perhaps the best running back in fantasy for Week 15. Playing the 30th ranked run defense, and due for a breakout game. Yes, quite a breakout. 15 carries for 44 yards. Wow. Thats just……awesome. If it weren’t for a special person I am going to mention in a few spaces, Tom Moore, Peyton Manning, and Addai would be getting the majority of my wrath this week. But they are spared. Because of…….her. (You will see).

San Diego 51, Detroit 14–Since the Lions are ‘God’s team’, and they have lost 6 in a row, one can only deduce that God has either switched teams or is dead. I don’t think an all-powerful deity can ‘die’, so I’m guessing that God is now a Patriots fan. He’s a frontrunner.

Philadelphia 10, Dallas 6–When all this Jessica Simpson-Tony Romo crap began bubbling up, I made jokes along the lines of ‘She better not ruin my fantasy team!’ or ‘He better stay focused in the fantasy playoffs!’. Hilarious, right? All I needed was a pithy ‘LOL’ at the end of those bad boys. Those are gold, Jerry! Gold!

Then Sunday happened. Why the fuck did that stupid cunt rag have to show up for this game with her creepy-ass father? Also, who the fuck wears their boyfriend’s jersey to the game? I mean, besides a 15-year old attending the JV game at the local high school. How much more of an attention hound can a person be? Jess, if you want attention, go topless in a movie. All anyone wants from you is your tits. Tony, me, your dad…..just your rack. So show them to us, and let us go on with our lives. I’ve always thought Ashlee was hotter anyway. Sure, you’re more traditionally attractive, but you just know that Ashlee would be so grateful for the attention. All it would take is one ‘I’ve always thought you were more talented than your sister’ or ‘I don’t quite get why MTV took ‘The Ashlee Simpson Show’ off the air, and she would absolutely go to town.

In other words, stay at home next time you retarded hillbilly. Or if you must go to the game, wear a nice, reserved top like 99.9 percent of grown women who fuck a player and act like an adult.

Here’s Salma Hayek:

• Nice dress
• Those look fun
• Her lips don’t get enough publicty
• these two should kiss or something

friday’s hot chick (now on thursday!)

I don’t like to highlight any members of my previously named top ten in the ‘Friday’s Hot Chick’ section. I try to shine the spotlight on the ridiculously hot, not quite as famous chicks or those who I have not previously mentioned an affinity for.

This week is no exception. Catherine Bell was on ‘Jag’, which I never watched. I did hear her on Howard Stern once. She seemed nice. She’s mad hot though, as you can attest to after clinking on the links below.

• Apparently here she is on the set of ‘Side Out’ with C. Thomas Howell
• I usually dont like short hair but this is nice
• A baby leopard died so you could enjoy this picture
• This might be the best picture she ever took
• I hate long legs