week 10 recap

I am somewhat bitter about this week’s games. Mostly because of fantasy football. I’m in five leagues this year, which is about three too many, even for a fantasy geek like me.

In my most important league, I lost to one of the worst teams because Shane Graham kicked seven fucking field goals. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again–Marvin Lewis has Graham on his fantasy team, and its starting to piss me off.

In my second most important league, I am fighting for a playoff spot and was virtually tied with the best team in the league going into Sunday night. I had Manning and Addai, he had the SD defense. Easy win, right? No, of course not. Of course the douchbag would throw six picks and Darren Sproles would return two kicks for touchdowns in the first fucking ten minutes.

Here are the games:

Green Bay 34, Minnesota 0–I think its time to start seriously considering Brett Favre for NFL MVP. Tom Brady and Randy Moss are getting all the publicity, but look at what Favre is doing with almost no help from the running game: 67.2 completion percentage, 2757 pass yards, 16 touchdowns, 8 interceptions, passer rating of just over 96. Keep in mind this team is one fluke loss to the Bears away from being undefeated. I think I would vote for Favre as MVP at this point. Meanwhile, Purple Jesus hurt his knee. If its serious, expect fire and brimstone to rain down on Wisconsin.

Jacksonville 28, Tennessee 13–Can we just combine these two teams and call them the Jacksonsee Jagans? They both have shitty quarterbacks, no receivers, a plodding/boring running game, and decent defenses. Both will probably make the playoffs or at least contend until Week 17, and both will do nothing once they make the postseason. Watching the Titans gives me a headache. They’re fucking boring as shit. I’d rather watch the Madden simulation of this game than the actual game.

Denver 27, Kansas City 11–Seriously, does anyone give a shit about the AFC West? Do you realize that if the Raiders had held on yesterday and if Viniateri had hit the field goal at the end of the Chargers-Colts game, Oakland would have been one game out of first? I know thats a combination of ‘ifs’ that didn’t happen, but lord–Oakland’s best offensive player is Justin Fargas. Anyway, the Broncos tie the Chiefs for second place in the division despite getting waxed seven days ago by the fucking Lions. Hooray.

Buffalo 13, Miami 10–The NFL is one pathetic shitbox, I tell ya. This game was 10-2 before Marshawn Lynch scored and then added a two-point conversion to tie it up. A field goal by…..whoever the Bills kicker is won it. Lynch is quietly putting up an outstanding rookie season and is a nearly a lock for AFC Offensive Rookie of the Year. If not for Purple Jesus, Lynch would be getting more publciity. Meanwhile, the Dolphins have a real shot at 0-16. Take a gander at their remaining schedule: at Philadelphia, at Pittsburgh, NY Jets, at Buffalo, Baltimore, at New England, Cincinnati. They should be the underdog in every one of those games, and really only have a decent shot of beating the Jets, Ravens, and maybe Bengals.

St. Louis 37, New Orleans 29–Look out for the Lou! Somewhere, Nelly weeps in relief while Everyones On Steroids pats him on the back. I’m going to make a bold prediction–by Christmas, the Rams will have at least 5 wins. Shit, they way teams in the NFC West play, they could end up 8-8 and win the fucking division.

Pittsburgh 31, Cleveland 28–The Steelers escaped in the game of the day, as ECUM’s adopted team blew a two-minute drill and Phil Dawson came up just short on a 53-yarder which would have tied it. Josh Cribbs cemented himself as the second best return man in football with two sick runs. Also, Ben Roethlisberger is quietly putting up a huge season. He’s having the second best season by a quarterback in the AFC (yes, better than Manning), and was doing so with Santonio Holmes as his number one receiver until last week.

Philadelphia 33, Washington 25–Well, Joe Gibbs is officially senile. Up 22-20 with four minutes left, the Redskins had a third and goal from the Eagle seven. Gibbs decides to run a draw and settle for the field goal, even though his quarterback was having his best game of the season and a touchdown would of cemented the win. The Eagles score two touchdowns in the next two minutes and stay alive–barely–in the NFC playoff picture. Also, this just in–Brian Westbrook is going to step on you en route to eating your brains. What a beast.

Atlanta 20, Carolina 13–Wow. How shitty do you have to be to lose to Atlanta at home? The Panthers are now 0-4 at home, and thats good enough to be one game out of the division lead. This league seriously blows. Also, the first time I have Steve Smith, and he suddenly blows asshole. I think it has to do with the fact the Panthers are starting Earl Morral at quarterback, but still. Oh, and there was an Alge Crumpler sighting.

Cincinnati 21, Baltimore 7–Kids, lets look at this. I want all of our readers (yes, all four of you) to think about Brian Billick and his offensive genius here for a minute. He was hired by the Ravens to take over as head coach before the 1999 season. This was after he was offensive coordinator in Minnesota and the Vikings were the most explosive team of the previous year. (Meanwhile, no one mentioned at the time that this explosiveness was 50 percent ‘Throw a jump ball to that Moss kid’). He goes to Baltimore, and within two years, wins a Super Bowl. But he did it because he had arguably the most dominant defense of the past 30 years. Since 2002, the Ravens have continuously sucked offensively, and now have hit their low point: 14 points and 11 turnovers in a 6-day span. They almost got shutout by the Bengals. The Bengals, man. Here are the scores of the Bengals opponents this year: 20, 51, 24, 34, 27, 31, 24, 33, 7. The two low scores, 20 and 7, are both Baltimore. So now–how shitty of a coach is Brian Billick?

Chicago 17, Oakland 6–Watching this game literally got me sick. I had body aches and headaches, and I just wanted it to be over so that I could go on with my Sunday night. Sexy Rexy got back in there and made it real damn sexy, almost too sexy for his own good. Cedric Benson dominated perhaps the worst run defense in all of football to the tune of 2.7 yards per carry. All in all, this was probably the least enjoyable Bears win I’ve ever experienced. Good times.

Dallas 31, NY Giants 20–And the second annual New York Giants’ second half collapse has begun! Yippee! Can we just cancel the rest of the season and have Dallas and Green Bay play for the NFC Championship and New England and Indianapolis play for the AFC Championship? Oh, here come the Pittsburgh fans: ‘What about us? We can beat those teams! Wah, wah wah!’ Shut up. I hate you.

Arizona 31, Detroit 21–Speaking of second half collapses, it is going to be awesome to see all these experts jump off the Lion bandwagon after calling them a playoff team this past week. Here’s their remaining schedule: NY Giants, Green Bay, at Minnesota, Dallas, at San Diego, Kansas City, at Green Bay. Sure, they could win 4 or 5 of those games, but its entirely possible they could go 0-7 from here on out. In other news, Kurt Warner proved that God loves him more than Jon Kitna, and after the game he celebrated the win by watching ‘The Passion of the Christ’ while drinking the blood of a thousand Jews.

San Diego 23, Indianapolis 21–You know how shitty of a coach Norv Turner is? His team was at home, playing a HUGE game against a team coming off the biggest game of their season (obvious letdown). His opponent was missing a Hall of Fame receiver, Pro Bowl tight end, and starting left tackle. During the game, his opponent lost their starting right tackle and number one defensive player to injury. The opponent’s signal caller, perhaps the best of all time, threw six fucking interceptions. His team scored 23 points in the first 17 minutes and led 23-0 early. And the only reason Norv didn’t lose is because the best kicker of all time missed a chip shot by an inch. He’s the worst coach in the league, and Joe Gibbs, Brian Billick, Brad Childress, and rest of the shitty coaches fraternity owe him a debt of gratitude for taking the cake, week in and week out.

week 7 roundup

Buffalo 19, Baltimore 14–Brian Billick called two pass plays on 3rd and 4th and 1 late in the 4th quarter as the Ravens attempted a comeback in Orchard Park. Since Kyle Boller is his quarterback, both fell incomplete. Meanwhile, the Bills and Uncle Dick are a miracle last second field goal against Dallas away from being 3-3. Look out, New England!

Detroit 23, Tampa Bay 16–You would think the only game between two above-.500 teams on Sunday would have been the game of the day. You would be dead wrong. For some reason, every game I watch on TV from Ford Field makes me drowsy. Is it the atmosphere of the dome? Or is it that the Lions put me to sleep? I don’t know. I do know that I left this game in the second half to go play Madden.

New England 49, Miami 28–I don’t know if you guys know this, but Tom Brady has a decent game. His receivers are somewhat OK. Unless the Colts can outscore them in Week 9, the only way the Patriots lose this year is if someone gets pressure on Brady and plays ball control on the other side of the ball. Maybe the Chargers? The Giants? I don’t know. Me thinks the season is over already. These guys are dominant.

New Orleans 22, Atlanta 16–Reggie Bush had a nice touchdown and 2-point conversion to clinch the game for the Saints, who at 2-4 are suddenly the second best team in the NFC. Not really, but it seems that way. Byron Leftwich managed to play three quarters before getting carted off. Way to go, Byron!

NY Giants 33, San Francisco 15–Recipe for a loss: bad offensive line + Trent Diler + Giants pass rush = Oh shit, here comes that big dude again and he’s gonna land on me. No one will beat New England, but maybe a team like the Giants have the best shot. A one-two punch at running back that could use ball control to keep Brady off the field. A front four that might put some pressure on Brady. The Giants are the hottest team in the NFC right now.

Washington 21, Arizona 19–Ken Whizzenator must have Tim Rattay on his fantasy team or something. Or he was playing Kurt Warner. I don’t know. 21-13, Warner has played gutty football all day, you’re on the goalline, and you pull him so Rattay can run the play? OK, so it happened to work. So then you need a 2-point conversion. You line up Boldin at QB and Rattay at WR? Maybe Anquin and Tim had a mind switch, like Dudley Moore and Kirk Cameron in ‘Like Father, Like Son’. Thats the only reasonable explanation for lining up your Pro Bowl receiver at QB for the most important play of the game.

Tennessee 38, Houston 36–A few weeks ago, the Texans’ Kris Brown had six field goals and was named ECUM’s favorite kicker. Yesterday, Rob Bironas went into Brown’s house and announced his presence with authority. 8 field goals, including a game winner, en route to a two-point win in the best game of the day. Sage Rosenfels had four TD passes……IN THE 4TH QUARTER. Seriously, what the fuck is going on in this league?

Cincinnati 38, NY Jets 31–If Chad Pennington is starting the next game for the Jets, I’d be shocked. The Jets have to be the biggest disappointment in the league, falling to 1-6. Their defense is absolutely horrible. Kenny Watson ran for 130 yards and 3 scores. And TJ Houshamazilli is quietly putting up huge numbers for the Bengals.

Kansas City 12, Oakland 10–Apparently its 2004 because Priest Holmes and Daunte Culpepper played in this game. The Raiders haven’t won a division game since 2003. 4 years without one damn win against your three biggest rivals? Raider fans should be allowed to move on at this point. Go cheer for another team. Or pick one player, and follow him. Rod Bironas is available.

Dallas 24, Minnesota 14–Everyone is talking about how the Cowboys found a way to shut down Adrian Peterson. The dude had 12 carries for 63 yards and a score. The only person that can shut down Purple Jesus is Brad Childress. Listen, I understand you don’t want to pull an Earl Campbell on this kid and give him the rock 40 times a game, thus ending his career in 4 years. But if you give him 18-22 carries instead of 12, your chances of winning have to go up about 10-20 percent. I haven’t done the math or anything, but thats just a guess.

Chicago 19, Philadelphia 16–I don’t know anymore. One week I decide I’m done with this team. The next week they win a big road game against their biggest rival. Then they give up 320 yards rushing to a division team at home. Then they drive 97 yards in under two minutes to win at Philly, a place they haven’t won since I was in junior high. I will say that I was difinitively wrong about Brian Griese. I’m not saying the Bears would of won the Super Bowl last year with him at quarterback; but there is no way the Bears would have won against Green Bay or Philadelphia with Grossman behind center. I will say that the running game is horrific, a combination of bad blocking and a running back who seems somewhat uninterested. Bernard Berrian continues to put in the worst contract year in NFL history. But with all those problems, the Bears are 3-4 with a home game against the Lions before the bye.

Seattle 33, St. Louis 6–Why is Bulger playing? Can someone answer this for me? They are 0-7. He is recovering from broken ribs. His running back was the backup for RUTGERS last year. I picture Bulger and Steven Jackson having a conversation on the sidelines during practice last week:

Bulger: Man, Steve….I can’t wait to get back in there to help the team this week.
Jackson: Oh, uh, yeah…..me too.
Bulger: When did the doc say you could get back in there and help us out?
Jackson: Uhhh, like, next week. Or 2008. He wasn’t really clear.
Bulger: (straps on helmet and starts out to field) Oh. Well, see ya out there!

Denver 31, Pittsburgh 28–So, the Broncos aren’t quite finished yet. The Steelers seem somewhat unbeatable at home, but on the road they’re soft like Jenna Doll’s breasts. (Look her up). Jason Elam hit his 593rd game winning field goal in his 54 year career. Well done, gramps.