Archive for January 2008

I’m fucking done with these assholes

January 31, 2008

Wednesday, January 30, 2008. The Chicago Bulls enter the Target Center in Minnesota a 18-26 team, 1 game out of the 7 seed in a horrid Eastern Conference.

Although the season has been a major disappointment, there was still a glimmer of hope that this notoriously slow starting team would turn it on in February, March, and April, and provide some excitement heading into the playoffs. Maybe the healthy return of Luol Deng and Ben Gordon would come soon, and the Bulls would gel into a team which could scare Boston or Detroit a bit in the first round. It wasn’t likely… all……but at least it was something. 

Again, I wasn’t expecting much. My hopes for this team have been dashed for quite a while. In October, I bought an 11-game season ticket package because I thought one of two things were sure to happen: One, the Bulls would remain intact as they were and would contend for the top spot in the conference. This would ensure me of seeing at least 3 or 4 playoff games, and perhaps even allow me to see a NBA Finals game, should it go that far. Two, the early season rumors of a trade with the L.A. Lakers to bring Kobe Bryant to Chicago would be reason enough to go to the United Center 11 times this winter.

Well, neither of those things happened. The team has stuggled all season, highlighted by the firing of coach Scott Skiles and the injuries to just about everyone on the team. Kirk Hinrich is being exposed as severely overrated during his first few seasons. The players voted to extend the suspension of first round pick Joakim Noah last month for an outburst against his assistant coach, showing that neither the interim coach, Jim Boylan, or John Paxson, general manager, had any control over this team. Ben Wallace has turned out to be one of the worst free agent signings in Chicago sports history. Tyrus Thomas continues to show bursts of awesome athletic ability and little else, especially in the areas of effort and basketball intelligence. Without the injured Deng and Gordon, the team has lacked offensive firepower and shown little heart.

Then came Wednesday night. The Minnesota Timberwolves were 8-36, and outside of beast Al Jefferson, had easily the worst roster in the league. Sebastian Telfair and Rashad McCants are the starting guards. A very young team, the Wolves are in the bottom five in the league of every category. In other words, there is no reason the Bulls should lose to this team.

The Bulls led 14-8 after the first quarter. 22 total points in the quarter, and only 8 by the Wolves. Then the potent Wolves blew up. 25 points in the 2nd quarter. 30 points in the third. At the end of the third quarter, the worst team in basketball led the Bulls 63-52. Did the Bulls get fired up and lead a charge in the last 12 minutes? Did they wake up and realize they were about to blow a great opportunity at a victory and play inspired basketball in the last quarter?

No. They scored 15 points in the final 12 minutes. They shot 4-of-17 in the quarter from the field. The Bulls turned it over 6 times in the quarter, giving them a season-high 23 for the game. By the way, coming into the game, Minnesota averaged about 14 forced turnovers a game, good for 20th in the league. Their opponents field goal percentage was near 49 percent, good for 28th in the NBA. So we’re looking at one of the five worst defensive teams in the league, as well. And the Bulls scored 67 points on them, losing by 15.

So, I’ve officially had it. I’ll still go to the games I have tickets for, but only because the money is already spent and its a good way to see decent players and teams from outside Chicago. But I no longer have hope. Not just for this season, but for this regime. John Paxson has proven to me that he is not a strong general manager. Whether he could of made the trade for Kobe is debatable; however, Paxson himself has admitted the Bulls were a major player for both Kevin Garnett and Pau Gasol, but for one reason or another, the deals were not made. Many feel its because Paxson didn’t want to deal ‘his guys’, the players like Gordon and Deng who he scouted and eventually, overvalued. The nucleus of this team has already peaked. Luol Deng, when healthy, is a solid player. But he’ll never be the number one option on a great team. Ben Gordon is a nice player to have. You can bring him off the bench to fill up the scoresheet or if your team needs an offensive boost. But he can’t handle the ball or play defense, so he’s very limited. Hinrich is a mediocre NBA point guard, at best.

There have been a few brightspots this year. Thabo Sefolosha has come on of late and could be the big guard the team has needed. Joakim Noah has had some off-court issues, but his play on-court has been a surprise, as he has provided energy and effort. And veteran Joe Smith is having a career year. But none of these players will ever be the impact guy an NBA team needs to make a serious title run. They are bit players on a championship team.

Its time to blow it up, kids. From the general manager on down, I’d be happy if the only remnants left from this year’s team going into the 2008-09 season were Deng, Noah, Sefolosha, and possibly Gordon and bit players like rookie Aaron Gray. But for a lot of reasons, that isn’t very likely. I guess we’ll just have to struggle through.

Did he really just say that?

January 30, 2008

On Tuesday’s Mike North morning show on WSCR 670 am in Chicago, ex-Packer lineman Jerry Kramer was interviewed in Arizona as part of the show’s Super Bowl week coverage.

After talking for a while, the subject of benefits and the needs of retired players came up. We’ve all heard about this issue recently; stories about a number of ex-players who are struggling to live because of injuries inflicted during football have surfaced. Also, there are a growing number of stories about retired players who are ruined financially because they either have overwhelming health issues or have mismanaged their money, and they have little to no help from a feeble pension plan or the NFLPA.

In the interview, Kramer revealed another reason that some ex-players may be struggling financially:

After you play the game for four or five years…….then, you leave, and they want you to sell tires or work at McDonald’s. (Players say) ‘I can’t do that! I’m the kid! I played! I’m the man! I’ve always caught lightning in a bottle! I’ve always been the lucky guy. I’ve always been the exception to everything’. So its a hard adjustment.

Let me first say that I truly feel for any ex-player who is suffering with traumatic injuries and who’s quality of life has diminished since leaving the game. And its doubly sad if those same injuries have taken a toll on a player’s finances. There are a number of stories of ruined families and lives because of this ongoing problem.

But for Kramer to say that some ex-players are struggling to get by because they didn’t want to do ‘real work’ is just asanine. Are the current players and their union supposed to fork over cash that they have earned because a guy who played 25 years ago thought he was too good to work like a ‘regular person’, and now he’s bankrupt? Are fans, the most of whom work hard every damn day and have to save just to pay for a ticket to watch an NFL game, supposed to feel sorry for someone who–by Kramer’s own admission–has had everything handed to them and now can’t adjust to having to support himself by a means outside of the football field?

The Bryan DeMarcos of the world deserve some support and help with expenses. He was an NFL lineman a decade ago, and now he can’t put on a shirt without help from his wife, and medical bills have forced he and his family to live with literally no money. The people Kramer describes here, those who are ‘the man’ and too good to ‘sell tires’, deserve nothing.

WSCR’s afternoon team of Dan Bernstein and Terry Boers made a great point: lets focus on taking care of soldiers who come home from overseas with no medical insurance before we focus on some washed-up old douchebag who thinks he’s better than the 16-year old kid who’s flipping burgers just to help his family.

You can hear the whole interview here. The part I focused on is about halfway through.

She Doesn’t Have Acne, Tony

January 29, 2008

This shit is getting just about as old as the band thats playing in the video, but I still find it to be comedy gold. The video is from a couple months ago, but Tony and Jessie Poo went to see Metalskool again last night in Hollywood, so there you go. Honestly, if Jessica Simpson’s creep of a father approached me about having relations with his daughter, I wouldn’t even think twice. Sex with her and her gorgeous body? Flying to Mexico on daddy’s bank role when I just landed a $67 million dollar contract? No problem.

It is funny how much controversy one stupid bitch can cause a team though. Tony took his team to 12-1 and then here comes Jessica and they can’t even pull out one win in the playoffs. And folks, it wasn’t because he went to Mexico with her. The girl is from Texas and she’s a damn Cowboys fan for Christ’s sake. And he used to date Carrie Underwood, too, so fuck him. The problem is that God doesn’t want one man to have that much fun.

Tony went to Eastern Illinois, goes undrafted, and then becomes the Dallas Cowboys starting QB and earns a ridiculous contract when he hasn’t even started two full years. Why should he get to bang Jessica, no matter how many musicians (or teammates) have plowed through her, and then go on to win a Superbowl in the same year? Just doesn’t seem right. Let him do that after the Patriot have had their glory season and he’s gotten his prescription for Valtrex filled.

Wait…you didn’t think she did those commercials because she really has acne that bad, do you? Hahaha you’re stupid.

N.Y Giants Superbowl Gameplan

January 28, 2008

 Tom Brady

I don’t want to give too much away, but did any of you see “The Longest Yard” remake? Well…..I never bothered until TBS started playing it religiously, so let me just give you a sneak peak into practice in Arizona:

Tracy Morgan

You like that, Tom? 

BootGate 2008

January 25, 2008

Tom Brady BootGate 2008

You’re god damn right he lost that boot. And by boot, aren’t you talking about:

Bridget Moynahan

God this guy has hit so much hot……nevermind. That’s besides the point. Of course his fucking ankle is fine. Belichick is playing mind games, folks. All you smart people know that of course. And does the man really need to practice? Honestly, if the New York Giants are supposed to win, that shit was already decided. And who, praytell, makes these decisions? Her name is Destiny, my friends:

Gisele Bundchen

Or Gisele. I think the horse’s name is Destiny. Wait, what was I talking about?

Just once I wish someone would say that to me

January 25, 2008

Ironically, I said the same thing to Pearl Washington in 1986.

Thanks to Mr. Ufford at withleather

Friday’s Hot Chick

January 25, 2008

To celebrate the return of American Idol, I thought I would run down five of my favorite dream-chasing hotties that have graced the Idol stage.

Bo Bice finished 6th.

Three things I like about Green Bay

January 24, 2008

Green Bay Packer Bikini Girls

Or six things. Depending on how you look at it. The story is that Maxim wants to put these three Midwest hotties in their magazine and I’m all for it. Except they did say they wouldn’t shoot naked. They are two sisters and a cousin, but that still turns all you on. Weird fucks. I say get them out of Green Bay (current temp = zero degrees) and to California or even Arizona for Superbowl festivities and I guarantee no one will care that they are in any way related.

This story kind of reminds me of the “Fuck Da Eagles” girl, but she’ll end up having way more class in the end. Girls who have “fuck” on their shirts and pose in Maxim are comparable to kindergarten teachers or librarians here in the Midwest. The three hotties above will be shooting porn with Bubba Franks (insert funny title here) in two or three years, trying to regain some of their 15 seconds of fame, and there Dad will be wearing that same brown jacket, cheering them on.

“You look great, honey! Pride yourself on your dick-taking abilities.” 

Not Even Close

January 24, 2008

Adrian Peterson Rookie of the Year

I just voted for Diet Pepsi’s NFL Rookie of the Year 2007 and can I just say one thing: Landslide. I’m not saying that Patrick Willis, Marshawn Lynch, Dwayne Bowe, and Joe Thomas might not deserve the same award if this were any other year, but come on. Not only did he come in second in the league for total rushing yards and compile second-most rushing yards in Vikings history in his first year, but does anyone remember the Chicago game?

224 yards. 11.2 yds/carry. 3 TD’s. That burst for 73 yds and one of the TD’s. He was, as many before me have put it, a BEAST. And that was his fifth professional game, the first week back from bye. On the road. Now I know that Chicago’s defense wasn’t even close to what it was last year. But when’s the last time someone ran for 224 yds on them? I don’t know. Thats why I’m asking you.

Fast forward three weeks to the matchup of LT and AP and what happens? NFL-record setting 296 yds and 3 TD’s. LT had 40 yds rushing and 1 TD. Once again, the Whale’s Vagina D wasn’t what it has been in previous years, but they let a rookie do that. So obviously you know who my pick is.

Don’t get me wrong. I do know that Lynch was a beast with the most carries in the league for both the season (280) and most carries per game (21.5) and also led AFC rookies with 1,115 yds. Not too shabby. And Patrick Willis nearly tackled every single person in the NFL this year. 174 total tackles with 135 solo efforts. Everyone knows that he was another BEAST in that Tampa game and almost single-handly controlled the game, but did you also know his favorite color is fuchsia?


Dude’s a genius

January 24, 2008

In the sports blogging world, there isn’t a better writer than Big Daddy Drew. He’s filthy, smart, funny, and honest, and although the great majority of his posts on Kissing Suzy Kolber and Deadspin are about as shallow as it gets, they’re fantastically funny. (‘Fantastically funny’? Take it easy, Gene Shalit).

However, this week BDD’s weekly entry on Deadspin is really well done. Every Thursday during the NFL season, Big Daddy Drew writes the Thursday NFL Dick Joke Jambaroo (or something like that). This week he writes about the difference between sports journalists in the print media and bloggers, and why ‘respected’ writers should just shut the hell up when complaining about blogs.

If you’re a fan of blogs, or write a blog, or even just like reading….click on this link and read this week’s jambaroo. And then go back in the Deadspin archives and read as many of the past Jambaroos as you can. You will not be disappointed.